Official Fanfiction University of Redwall
by Kit and Minty
Summary: Cowritten by Laburnum Steelfang and kitsune106d. An authorised spinoff of the Fanfiction University of Middleearth, where fanbrats come to learn through pain.
1. Chapter 1: Bizarre Beginnings

(Disclaimer: We do not own this. Redwall and its related concepts belong to Brian Jacques, the Fanfiction University idea belongs to Miss Cam, the Protectors of the Plot Continuum – who will be showing up in later chapters – were the idea of Jay and Acacia.

Note; if you wish to enrol to the OFUR do it by emailing either of the addresses in our profile. Don't use the review board, or you'll get us kicked off the Pit.

The rating may go up later - we're likely to get a little, well, frank with the realities of life in later chapters, though there will be no outright lemon content.

On with the show.)

* * *

A solitary light burned in the back bedroom window. It was not the glare of the main lighting; merely the glow of an anglepoise lamp and a computer screen, assisted by the moonlight reflected from the dressing table's mirror. Black-varnished nails clicked against the keyboard as their owner typed.

Susan Annabelle Smith, known as Suzi to her friends and "Suzianna Goldenfur" to certain sections of the World Wide Web, sat back with a proud smile. The fic was finished. It was after midnight, and she was tired, and her eyes were watering so much from screen burn that her mascara had run down to her chin, but when the muse hits you have to run with it. She was proud of this fic. She had written many, and gained quite a name for herself in the Redwall section, but this may have been her best yet.

A loud squeaking and rattling from the other side of the room distracted her from her triumph.

"Martin! Shush, you'll wake Mum and Dad!" she hissed at her pet mouse, who was scurrying around in his Rotastak, sounding terrified of something. She couldn't imagine what. Maybe he was just neurotic, for all she knew – she'd only had him a week. She had of course named him after her favourite Redwall character ever. What wasn't there to love about Martin? She wished she could meet him … and couldn't help wondering what he'd look like as a human. Oh well. If she couldn't meet him, she always had her fanfiction.

And if she couldn't have him, that bimbo Rose couldn't either. Seriously, what was so great about her? What did she have that Suzi didn't (apart from, well, actually being in the correct universe and of the correct species, but that wasn't Suzi's fault)? Martin would be much happier with _her._ In fact she'd once written a story in which she became a pretty mouse-girl and dropped from Earth to Mossflower, straight into the paws of Martin, and helped him forget his grief over that silly little tart Rose, but that story had for some reason got her so many flames that she'd been forced to change her pen-name. (Previously it had been, of course, "Martinsgurl".) Oh, the flamers were just jealous she could write so well. Still, since that hadn't worked out so well, she'd decided to try something new. She hadn't been quite sure about it at first, but it seemed pretty good for a first attempt. Of course, she'd done enough research with her mother's Mills and Boon. Alright, some boring people had told her that had rules against pornographic fics, but this wasn't porn. This was _erotica._ There was a difference. If people were too stupid to see it, that was their problem. Besides, she'd slipped under the mod's radar before and she could do it again.

Suzi looked over the words again, smiling proudly:

_Gonff sighed, and stared again at Martin's sword._

"_I see Boar did a good job at reforging it."_

_Martin nodded, "Yes, that he did, and even a few new moves. Should we go to our room and test it out?"_

"_Why, of course," said Gonff, taking Martin's paw. "And while we're at it, perhaps we can test out your … other sword?"_

"_I thought you'd never ask," Martin said, bringing his lips to Gonff's and sliding a paw down the front of the mousethief's breeches._

_Gnoff also brought his own paws lower. "I see that it is also sharp."_

_Martin nodded. "As is your dagger."_

"_Maybe it's not as big as your sword, but I know how to use it," Gonff said, grinning. "Perhaps I could show you a few tricks?" He ran his claws through the soft fur on the Warrior's chest. "I always did want to learn sword-swallowing …"_

Suzi was glad that her muse had been so great. Surely this would earn her the fame she craved among the fans, rather than the infamy that her previous fics seemed to have caused, though she couldn't imagine what was so horrible about them. Behind her, Martin was now squeaking in panic and generally making a racket. She tried to ignore him. Who knew mice could be so damn noisy?

Suzi hissed, "Martin, be quiet. It's nothing."

Martin continued his panicked squeaking.

"Be quiet, you whiney mouse or I'll keelhaul you as well!"

Martin shut up and Suzi blinked. She had definitely not said that, and there was now the sound of her closet being opened. She turned around and stared. Two creatures were there, one of whom was currently digging through her closet and tossing her clothing around.

"_EEEEEEEK!_ MUM! DAD! HELP! GIANT RATS IN MY ROOM!"

The two creatures sighed, clearly annoyed, and the fat one with braided fur and oversized clogs whipped out a sword and pointed it at Suzi.

"We're _stoats,_ not rats."

The other one glanced back out of Suzi's closet, one of her shirts in its paws.

"That's right. I think you should at least be able to tell _that_ if you call yourself a fan."

Suzi blinked, then screamed again.

"MUM! DAD! HELP! GIANT STOATS IN MY R…"

Suzi's scream died as the one with the sword brought it to her throat, her sense of self-preservation taking over.

"That's better. We're here to…"

"Enslave you," interrupted the other stoat.

Suzi blinked, sure that this could not be happening.

"No, Badrang. We were told to give 'er the enrolment form."

Suzi blinked again. That name sounded familiar. Then, it struck her. It was the villain from _Martin the Warrior._

"Hey, I know you!" she exclaimed. "Aren't you the one who tried to kill Martin?"

"Well, one of the ones who tried to kill Martin," Badrang replied, sorting through the closet again. "Honestly, the things youngsters wear here … anyway, yes, I am in fact Badrang the Tyrant, famous slaver and warlord, capturer of Martin the Warrior and temporary bearer of his sword … oh, and this is Clogg, my lackey."

"I am so not yer lackey!" snapped the braid-furred stoat. "Cap'n Tramun Josiah Cuttlefish Clogg answers to nobeast …"

"Oh, shut up," Badrang sighed. "Just give her the talk."

"What? What's happening?" Suzi stammered. _Tramun Josiah Cuttlefish Clogg?_ she thought. _Don't remember him. Sheesh, what a name - he must have had sadistic parents!_ The stoats tutted and shook their heads.

"Alright, lass, basically wot's 'appenin' is this. We ran across yer fanfic writin'-"

Suzi interrupted him with a squeal of glee.

"Really? Eee, you like it?"

"No, we do _not,"_ hissed Badrang. "That, my dear, is the problem. If we liked it, we wouldn't be here." He removed a roll of paper from his belt. "You are Susan Smith, otherwise known as Suzi, Martinsgurl and Suzianna Goldenfur?"

Suzi nodded.

"I thought so. Yes, your fics … ugh. At least one rampant self-insertion. Completely unjustified slash pairings. Adult stories on a site which specifically forbids them. Persistent misspelling of my name – who in the name of Hellgates is 'Bardang'?"

Clogg sniggered and received a glare from Badrang.

"Unnecessary angst without plot. Martin the Warrior _cutting himself."_ The way he said the last two words, they sounded less like he meant "performing dangerous acts of self-harm" than "still eating crayons at the age of thirty". "Really, girl, did it not occur to you that it would be near-impossible to cut your own wrists with a blade the length of your arm unless you wished to remove the entire limb?"

"But it's only a story!" Suzi protested. "It doesn't have to make perfect sense as long as it sounds good!"

Badrang sighed.

"Yes, I suppose that really says it all about your attitude, doesn't it?"

"It's fanFICTION. That means I can write what I want," Suzi responded with her favourite argument for such critics.

"An' if yer think that, it means yer not a good fan," replied Clogg.

"Clogg, give her the form." Badrang's voice came from the closest where he was still going through her stuff. "Really, young lady, do you own _anything_ that's not black? It's just so … cliché. And by the way, it doesn't suit you at all; it makes you look terribly pasty."

"What form?" Suzi was sure this had to be a dream, definitely a dream, or something caused by the lack of sleep.

Clogg gave an unpleasant grin.

"Why, yer student application, me pretty lassie. For OFUR. The Official Fanfiction University of Redwall." Clogg pulled out a rolled up parchment from his belt and held it out to Suzi.

"This is ridiculous. I'm too young for a university, and besides you have to be a dream, you aren't real."

That said, Suzi turned back to her computer and hit the button to upload her fanfiction.

Nothing happened.

Suzi frowned and clicked several more times, with no result.

A chuckling caused her to look back at the smiling Clogg.

"What's so funny?" she demanded of the pirate.

"Yer fanfiction licence has been revoked. Ye'll have to enrol to re-earn it. Until then, yer can't upload anythin', and none of yer writing programs will work. Oh, and we ain't fooled by a changed pen-name, so don't even try it."

Suzi glared, then snatched the parchment from Clogg and opened it, reading it.

**_Greetings. Thanks to your story/stories, you have been chosen to attend the Official Fanfiction University of Redwall (OFUR). Upon completion, you will receive your fanwriter's license. _**

Suzi was sure this had to be a dream – things like this didn't happen to normal people, even in her old children's books, they happened to irritating little preteen girls in pinafore dresses - but it might not be. Well, if it was a dream, there couldn't be any harm in filling out the form. And if it wasn't … who knew? It could be fun. She picked up a biro and started to read the form.

**Please complete the following. **

**Name and any titles you wish to be known by: **Okay, this was good. Suzi thought a bit, then wrote down "Suzianna Goldenfur". Why use her boring real name?

Preferred species: What did they mean by that? Suzi figured it would not hurt. Besides, this dream might let her meet Martin in person. "Mouse."

**Gender: Male / Female / Hermaphrodite / Non-applicable (please delete as appropriate) **Suzi filled in "Female", then reread the question, blinked and looked up at Clogg.

"Gender not applicable?"

"Yer prob'ly don't want to know."

Suzi turned back to the sheet.

**Age (in human years): **_"16"_

**Please list a description of yourself (appearance, personality, any oddities in speech pattern or catchphrases, etc): **Suzi thought about this, then used her old mouse-girl form from her fanfic last year – but this time with a goth makeover. She'd recently been introduced to the ways of Cure and Evanescence by her best friend Robyn (who was now calling herself Ravyn and had started tattooing pentagrams on her hands with a compass point and an ink cartridge) and wanted to stick with it, even though she occasionally missed her pink sweaters and Hello Kitty hairgrips. She scrawled the description down; tall and thin (well, she was thin in real life at least, thanks to Cosmo's weekly new diet plans more than her activity level), green eyes, light blonde "hair I mean fur". She paused for a moment, then added "with a black streak down the middle". Her parents had refused to let her, in her mother's words, "make herself look like the Bride of Frankenstein" but they weren't going to be at the University, so there. She glanced back at the stoats as she finished the question.

"Err, why this question?"

Badrang leaned out of the closet again.

"You'll see once you arrive."

**What characters would you be likely to lust after if you were of the appropriate species: **This was easy. "Martin!" Suzi exclaimed as she wrote it down, then blushed. "Well. I don't really lust after him. He's cool, but he's a mouse! But if he was human I'd be on him like a shot …"

Clogg ignored her and turned to the other stoat.

"I knew it. A Martin luster. You said Gonff. Now pay up."

Badrang grumbled. Suzi tuned the bickering out and went to the next question.

**Please list all the Redwall books that you have read: **This one was easy. _Martin the Warrior, Redwall, Mattimeo, Mossflower, Legend of Luke. _Suzi smiled as she recalled them.

**Have you read any of Brian Jacques' other books, and if so, which ones: **_"No. They don't have Martin." _

The next question was a little odd. Not just because of the subject – because of the fact that the last half of the sentence had been scribbled out. Suzi tried to make sense of it, but it was totally illegible.  
**  
Do you have any fears/phobias or allergies that we can take advantage of :  
**  
"What? Why are they asking about my fears?"

Clogg answered her, in a sweet voice, which was scary coming from the pirate stoat, "So they know what to avoid scaring you with."

Suzi was not entirely pleased by the answer, but wrote down _"Fish and rats. I don't like fish, they're all slimy and yucky and they stare at you, and rats are just evil." _Well, she might as well put the truth. Maybe that way Martin would save her from the evil rats, or maybe a pike or something. _"Oh, and I get hayfever." _Better warn him about that - no point in spoiling a rendezvous in the arbour (what was an arbour anyway? Characters in her mother's romance novels always seemed to meet there, whatever it was – something to do with gardens, she was fairly sure) by sneezing.

**Who is your favourite character(s)? Why: **_This one was easy. "Martin. He's so brave, so handsome, so cute. So … mousely. So much potential for angst." _

Clogg smiled evilly as he looked over her shoulder.

**Who is your least favourite character(s)? Why: **_"Rose. She stole Martin's heart away, and she definitely does not deserve him. I mean, come on, she was only using him to rescue her brother." _  
**  
What is your alignment: Good / Evil / Neutral: **_Another easy one. "Good! Why would I be anything else? Nobody likes the EVIL people!"_

**What is your preferred weapon: **_"I want a sword just like Martin's!" _Suzi scrawled down immediately. Why not get a chance to show she could do cooler stuff than boring old Rose? She'd never actually used any weapon at all, unless you counted hitting her kid brother with a rolled-up Cosmo once or twice, and the only time she'd ever even seen a sword had been on a very dull school trip to the museum, but how hard could it be, really? All you had to do was hold the blunt end and poke people with the other end.  
**  
Is Fernflower a proper name for a vixen? Please explain your answer: **

This one was also easy. "Yes it is. Why wouldn't it be?"

"Of course it's a good name. What a stupid question."

There came a giggling from both stoats as they overheard it.

"Hear that, Badrang? Another one who thinks it's a good name."

"What's so funny?"

"Oh … nothin'," said Clogg as innocently as a hardened pirate captain can say anything.

"Another for Nagru's class here, I feel," murmured Badrang.  
**  
Do you know what a Mary Sue is: **Suzi knew, and was sure she had never written one. _"Yes. Totally perfect characters, and Suzi is not perfect. She has flaws." _Being too nice and not being able to swim counted as flaws, right?  
**  
Have you written one: **_"Of course not."  
_  
"Why are you even asking about Mary Sues? I already know they're yucky."

Clogg shuddered. "Tryin' to be thorough, miss."

**Have you written slash or femslash: **_"Slash! Only a bit, but I'm planning lots more."  
_  
**Do you enjoy reading slash and/or femslash:** _"Slash is awesome, but femslash, YUCK! Only creepy guys who can't get real girlfriends write that!"  
_  
**Do you write and/or read yiff: **_"Yes, but I don't like to call it that – it sounds so crude."  
_

**Do you read yiff even if you don't write it: **_"All the time! Although I call it erotica." _

**What type of story do you most commonly write: **_"Romance. I like angst too – but I like it best when it's got a happy ending."  
_**  
Have you ever attempted to write poetry: **_  
"Yes! Poetry is fun – I think my best one this year is "The Burning Darkness of my Broken Soul". But I don't think I'll write dark poetry any more, 'cos it depresses me ;; Maybe I'll go back to my old poems – kittens and rainbows are more fun to write about! Just better not tell my friend Ravyn I think that, she thinks it's yucky."  
_

**Have you ever been to an OFU before: **_"No. "_ This was the first time she had this whatever it was.  
**  
I understand that by signing, I waive all my personal rights and put myself into the paws of the OFUR staff. They are hereby given the right to do to me as they see fit, including but not limited to mental and emotional abuse, physical torture, outright killing if they deem it necessary and generally making my existence an utter misery. Once I have signed this form, the contract is legally binding and I may not leave the University until I have passed the course even in the event of my death as the University will (probably) be able to resurrect me. This does not matter in the slightest as nobody ever reads the small print, and even if I did I would be so desperate to indulge my pathetic little fanwriter impulses that I would sign anyway.  
**  
Suzi's eyes glazed over after the first three words of the small print. Who read that stuff anyway? She was jolted back into reality by the signatures.  
**  
Signed: _Miss Minty and Mister Kit, Course Co-ordinators _**

THE HEADMASTER

X Susan Smith Suzianna Goldenfur

X 

"Miss Minty? Mister Kit? Funny names. They sound kind of creepy."

"That they can be." Badrang and Clogg chuckled. Suzi decided to ignore them.

"By signing you agree to blah blah blah, who cares about that junk?" she muttered as she scrawled her pen-name at the bottom of the form. She handed the scroll to Clogg, who took it and bowed mockingly, finally moving the cutlass point away from her.

"See now, poppet? That weren't so 'ard, were it?"

Badrang scrambled out of the closet, clutching a black velveteen blouse and muttering to himself.

"Honestly, there's hardly anything in here worth taking."

"Well, whaddya expect? Those are all _female's_ clothes, y'know."

"I know … and why young human females insist on trying to expose as much flesh as possible I'll never understand. Half these clothes are hardly there at all."

Suzi blinked. "Wait, are you stealing my stuf-"

This time, two sword points touched her throat. She tried not to gulp.

"Okay. Take anything you want. That's fine."

"Thank you," said Badrang, smirking. "I'd advise you to pack a bag and get some sleep. You'll be transported to OFUR soon."

With that, Clogg opened the bedroom door and he and Badrang stepped through, closing it neatly behind them. Suzi dashed after them and opened the door, but they weren't on the landing or stairs. Apparently they had simply vanished into thin air. Suzi rubbed her eyes, sure it was a dream. She figured she might as well go to bed – obviously she needed sleep, if she was hallucinating like this. Or was she still asleep? Oh well. If she was asleep, there couldn't be any harm in going along with the dream. She found her suitcase on top of her wardrobe and threw in a few armfuls of clothes, tired but still managing to register that several of her favourite garments were missing. Oh well. All her clothes looked more or less the same anyway these days (they were all mostly black). She found a few of her favourite pieces of jewellery, her makeup and overnight bag, and, after some thought, the secret stash of sweets from under her bed.

She pulled off her clothes, dumped them by her bed, dragged on her nightdress (her secret shame – she was sure cool-and-collected black-mascara-ed goth chicks should not wear nightdresses decorated with pictures of fluffy pink kittens) and flopped down on her bed. Her last clear thought before falling asleep was a moment of wondering why the inside of her closet had been totally ransacked, and her jewellery box had been lying open on its side on her dressing table, most of the contents missing.

**Miss Minty, aka Laburnum Steelfang: Well, the first chapter is up and running with no major problems so far. I think we're doing pretty well, considering this is my first attempt at co-writing anything with anyone outside of group work in a classroom. I would like to point out that the part of Suzi's work I am responsible for was the most incredibly embarrassing thing I have ever tried to write, and I was going to do more of it but I couldn't quite bring myself to inflict any more bad "sword" jokes, or the possible abuse of the thesaurus which would have likely followed. I do apologise for the ones I did make. To be honest, without Kit helping I don't think I could have written any of it at all. But that's the idea we were going for – fanbrat pr0n should make you cringe just looking at it. Suzi will be suffering at the paws of the mice involved and of their canonical love interests for that little masterpiece, never fear. Tell us if there's any canonical characters you'd like to see in future chapters, and sign up a reader-character if you like.**

**Mister Kit, aka kitsune106d: This is my second go at co-writing, and like Miss Minty said, I also feel it went well. I did help with some of Suzi's work, and well, also got a bit embarrassed. Please, enroll, and remember the OFU's motto. We should be introducing more Canon Characters soon.**

**A reminder; please enrol via email. Have fun.**


	2. Chapter 2: Welcome to Hell

Mister Kit entered the staff lounge (which had until recently been the attic of Redwall Abbey) and flopped down on the couch next to Miss Minty with a sigh.

"I've got more application forms here. Any idea how we can mess with them?" he asked as he handed roughly half the pile of them to her.

"I don't know, I think we may have to get the Headmaster in on some of them," she murmured, sounding preoccupied and pushing her steel-rimmed spectacles back on her nose. "Remind me to tell Badrang to stop filling out his student pick-up reports in copperplate paw-writing, I can't read it … and someone will have to remind the corsairs that they can't _all_ sign their reports with an X."

"Agreed, and I passed Foremole on my way here. He says that the laundry room has been dug out and that it should be ready soon." Mr Kit looked at the first application and chuckled. "Well now, this one's interesting. It seems we have someone who wants to be the child of something called the Divine Squirrel, and is after Lady Amber."

"Child of the WHAT? Let me see that!" Minty snatched the paper and read over it, finally sighing. "Oh dear. It's true. Honestly, whenever I think the fans have run out of bizarre ideas … When will they realise there is no demonstrated deity in Mossflower? Okay, there's an Abbey, so they plainly worship _something_, and they have after-death experiences sometimes, but whatever higher power there is does not interfere directly with their lives and it certainly wouldn't breed with them. And what on Earth is a 'Cherry Squirrel' anyway, or do I even want to know?"

"When Lucifer gets out the antifreeze, or when we educate them. As for what a Cherry Squirrel is, I have no clue. Do you want to 'fix' that one then?"

"Oh my, yes," said Minty, smirking. "I think I have a nice idea for what to do with him … yes, I feel the Headmaster would approve." She tittered quietly.

Mr Kit reached into his jacket and pulled out a pen, and looked at the next paper.

"Oh good grief … just _what_ is going on with this one?" Kit shook the paper and squinted at it, as if this would magically cause it to make sense. "I'd hate to see the wear on her thesaurus. What the heck is a 'nimble cranium', anyway?"

"How am I supposed to know?" asked his colleague, glancing at another paper. "I don't speak Pretentious Fanbrat very well. Oh, I almost forgot – the Mini transportation system is up and running, no further problems. I did tell Skipperjo not to test it himself, but we managed to get him unstuck before he drowned." She blinked and looked back at the paper in her paw. "Ah. Apparently Silvamord now has a female luster. I don't know how she's going to take that. Shall we get her husband to break the news? She can't do anything that she hasn't done to him before."

"I wouldn't bet on that. She's creative," Kit sighed. "Speaking of creative, do I want to know what possible use Badrang could have for a pile of girl's clothes?"

"I asked him and he wouldn't tell me. I'm actually quite relieved about that," Minty groaned. "It could be worse, though. Veil Sixclaw has … appropriated some black eyeliner. Another thing I don't want to know about."

"Ahhh, no James Bond films were taken yet, right? We definitely don't need any of the vermin to be inspired by SPECTRE."

"I don't think so, but I'm slightly worried about Cluny. He was demanding that some of the badgers help him with something. I don't know what he's found, but it's obviously big and heavy and he wants it badly enough to ask help from woodlanders. I have a really bad feeling about that."

"Same here, but I would bet you four bars of chocolate it's definitely not a bell."

"I wouldn't take you up on that bet, at least. I just hope it's not a nuclear warhead or something. Touch wood." The co-ordinators both tapped the table. "Does he even know what a nuclear warhead is?"

"I don't know, but given I've found them in the staff computer room, he might."

Minty shuddered. "Remind me to block any potentially dangerous pages."

Kit shook his head. "We should have realized they would have started stealing people's computer games. Although I must say Mariel appears to be very good at Quake. Think you could pull the plug later?"

"I think we'll have to. I never realised how impressionable vermin are. But then I never realised that anyone would fangirl Cluny … or _could _fangirl Cluny." Minty waved the offending application. "I'm hoping against hope he'll be flattered, but this is _Cluny_ we're talking about. I foresee disembowelling."

Kit looked at his next sheet. "Hey, this one's interesting. Asmodeus has a fangirl as well. She's even signed up as a snake herself."

"Urgh, an Asmodeus fangirl?" Minty wrinkled her nose. "That's even worse!"

Mr. Kit handed the document over. "You can look for yourself."

"Weird. And I suppose she'll be begging us for her hands back after five minutes. Still, I suppose it'll be worth the hassle to see her expression when she really is a snake. I can't help thinking, how does one glomp without hands?" Minty wondered.

"Ahhh. That would explain the video cameras that the Long Patrol hares had when I passed them."

"Why waste a precious moment of horrified realisation?"

At long last, the work of processing applications was done. Mr. Kit laid down the last paper and put away his pen.

"Finally. That was difficult." He sighed and leaned back on the couch, staring nostalgically into space. "I still remember what went through my head when I got this form. The new instincts were overwhelming at first after the body transfer."

"I know. It wasn't fun for me - I was a vegan at the time."

"Ouchies."

"Yes. Possibly I shouldn't have put down a carnivorous species, but I was young and dumb, you know how it is." Minty sat back with a sigh. "Ai,_ ya soshla s uma!_ Why did I ever take this job?"

"How should I know? At the time, I figured it was a good idea. The canon does need some form of protection, and someone has to do it. Too much badfic can have really nasty effects."

"I know. Look at Harry Potter." The co-ordinators shuddered in unison. Those in the world of fandom Did Not Talk About Harry Potter. Those actually working in the Potterverse were viewed with pitying respect for what they went through. "The best thing we can do is nip the badfic in the bud, before it starts."

"Yeah. We treat the source; they give us the time to implement the cure."

"True, but I wish we didn't have to deal with so many downright _stupid_ people! I mean, look. Godmoders, Mary Sue writers, Bad Slashers ..." Kit patted his co-worker's shoulder consolingly as she buried her face in her paws. "It's just painful," Minty sighed. "But I guess it's our job to do the best we can with what we're given."

In the distance, what sounded like Flight of the Valkyries started up. "And with what our vermin friends have stolen as well, it seems."

"Oh good lord … where are they? I need to know which room will need rebuilding."

Kit's ears twitched as he tried to pinpoint the sound. "Um, one floor down, towards the west side of the building … I think they're in the room for the class Cluny volunteered to teach."

"You mean ..."

Mr. Kit nodded and looked a bit sick. "Yeah, _that."_

"I'm sorry, even I think inflicting _him_ talking about _that_ on the students is going a little too far, but nobeast else would take it without extra pay. He said he'd do it just for the laughs."

"That should have clued us in. But well, hopefully it will be so bad we might not have to worry about _it_ anymore. For a while at least."

Minty shuddered. "It'd scare me off, I can tell you that." There was a loud thundering noise from the location of the music, accompanied by muffled cheering. "And I don't even want to think about what that is. Presumably it's whatever he brought through the portal. I just hope it's not a weapon, I don't want him to start the Mossflower Chainsaw Massacre when the students frustrate him."

"Agreed. I already confiscated that tape from the Death Pit Theatre's inventory. We don't need to give the staff ideas. Oh, and I took this off a Dibbun." Mr Kit handed the upper half of a lady's undergarments to Miss Minty, holding it between index claw and thumb as if it were carrying Dryditch Fever. "It was being used as a sling. You try explaining this to a two-year-old of a species which doesn't need to wear them."

Minty pulled a face and pushed the offending lingerie aside. "It could be worse. It could be much worse. I don't particularly want to find out _how_ it could be worse first-paw, but … speaking of worse. I know for a fact that some of the students and at least two of the PPC visitors this year are Discworld fans."

Kit groaned. "Not the Hedgehog Song. Remember the fiasco last year?"

"Yes, I don't think we ever found all the pieces of that poor student, but what did he expect when he sang a song that manages to insult practically every species in Mossflower?"

"Except possibly the hedgehogs," Kit pointed out. "Maybe we should ban the song specifically this year." Mr Kit's ears twitched as the Jaws theme song started to play. "Oh great. Just great. Speaking of banning music …"

"What's that?"

Mr. Kit just pointed to the pool in the corner of the lounge then at the rat at the door holding the stereo. In the pool, a fin had just appeared, and was circling around the pool in time to the music.

"Oh great, that's _another _film on the banned list ... _Fangburn, stop that at once!"_ The rat jumped, dropping the stereo with a clatter.

"Yeah. Gives the students too much warning. I think even fanbrats would realize creepy music means something bad. Or am I giving them too much credit as usual?"

"Possibly, but we'd better be safe. Speaking of which, did you remind the staff that the pepper spray I gave them isn't for food? Don't want them wasting it."

"I did, I think some of them got it. Although, some of the otters have been trying to make hotroot soup spray. They said they figured it would be better then plain pepper. I think that's going to make a mess."

Suddenly, there was a loud battering at the staff room door. Every snout pointed towards it.

"Come in!" Minty called. The door opened and a tired-looking hare entered.

"Algador Swiftback reportin', marm. The students have all arrived in Mossflower. They should be here in an hour or so."

There was a brief pause, and then the room exploded into uproar.

"Oh my, they're nearly here, where are my notes for the orientation speech?" Minty said, jumping up.

"Probably on your desk where you put them!" said Kit, dropping his glasses. "Unless the Dibbuns have been playing with the paperwork again …"

The co-ordinators dashed around the room, snapping out last-minute instructions as they searched for their notes.

"Veil, wash off that eyeliner!"

"Slipp, what did we say about giving the Dibbuns coffee?!"

"Rufe, have you taken your medication? And Silvamord, for the love of G- I mean Mother Nature … whichever, put on a shirt!"

"_Hurry, everyone, they're coming!"_

* * *

Suzi was dreaming about Martin and herself in mouse form, doing various fangirl related activities, when the sound of a drum awoke her. Suzi woke up, and looked around for the source before it hit her; this wasn't her room, unless her room had suddenly become a forest. She sneezed violently. _Damned hayfever,_ she managed to think, even through the shock. 

She tried to sit up, but immediately fell over backwards again. For some reason her legs didn't seem to be the right shape. She tried to push herself up again and screamed as her hand landed on something long and warm and she felt a sharp pain in her lower back. _A snake! Snake bit me!_ she thought desperately. No, the thing didn't feel scaly, the pain didn't feel like a bite … and the pain wasn't actually in her rump, it was in …

Her _tail?!_

Suzi grabbed the offending appendage in hands that were now paws. She pinched herself on one dark paw-pad. It hurt too much for this to be a dream.

"Ohmigodohmigodohmigod!" Suzi reached up and stroked her face. Her nose had grown a lot longer, as had her teeth, and her face was as hairy as her hands.

She looked around. She was in a crowded clearing, and everywhere she looked, she saw more animals. Most dressed in humans' nightwear, though some were still fully dressed and one or two were looking uncomfortable and clutching bedsheets around themselves; some tentatively standing up and falling over again while trying to balance; some lying on the ground with their eyes closed, still asleep or mostly so; others sitting up and staring in horror at themselves or their surroundings, as she was. She could tell that she'd shrunk, too – most of the creatures were far bigger than her, particularly the sprinkling of badgers and otters she could see. _Maybe mouse wasn't the best idea for species choice,_ she thought giddily. A still-sleeping fox lying beside her muttered something and rolled over, narrowly avoiding crushing her. She screamed again and rolled out of the way, bumping into another furry body.

The creature turned to look at her. It was slim, brown-and-white-furred, several times her size, with sharp white fangs. Parts of Suzi's mind which she had not previously been aware of screamed PREDATOR! RUN! Her panic was not tempered by the fact that the creature was clad in matching Bart Simpson boxers and T-shirt, which looked terribly out-of-place on it and somehow made it even creepier.

The creature gave her a lazy but not unfriendly grin.

"Hey there, sweetie. The name's Thom," it said. "Welcome to Hell."

* * *

**A/N: Mister Kit: Well, it would seem that Suzi and the other vict- er, students have arrived. Applications are still accepted. And, I do wonder what Cluny got, although, knowing him, it is nothing good. And, well, Miss Minty and I will be meeting the students next chapter. Expect attempted glompage and new hormones next time.**

**Miss Minty: Yep, there will be glompage. Double that of the usual OFU theme, because on top of the lusting caused by the new bodies' instincts, which the students haven't yet learned to control, we have the "oh that's so cute let's all hug it" problem caused by the staff being cute furry animals. Though they get un-cute pretty quickly when they're pointing swords at you. Fun time. And yes, the Protectors of the Plot Continuum will be showing up later – the staff all know and hate them from their student days, but they need them around just in case of canon breaches. In the next few chapters, we also find out what Cluny has stolen, and what exactly he is teaching. Both answers are deeply worrying, but just about anything involving the Scourge is deeply worrying.**

"**Ya soshla s uma" – "I've lost my mind" in Russian. Minty isn't actually Russian, but she likes to use the language sometimes, mostly for insulting people behind their backs. No, it's not ALL going to be taken from a TATU lyrics website, I'm not THAT sad. (Some of it will be Babelfished, but one or two words at a time can't be mangled too badly by that.)**

**Once again, if you want to sign up use the email addresses in the profile, not the review board. Don't worry if we haven't mentioned your character yet, we'll get you all in eventually. Enjoy.**


	3. Chapter 3: To the Abbey

Suzi swore loudly as she fell over for the fifth time in as many minutes. Thom ("Thomas Nightstalker, most people call me Thom - T-_H_-O-M", as he had been sure to point out when she had stopped screaming at the shock of being confronted with a gigantic weasel) helped her upright yet again.

"This is _not_ how I wanted to spend my weekend," she grumbled. "I think I broke a nail there."

She glared at the plump pike-wielding hare standing near the group. He grinned at her, clapped his ears together, and continued to make the bizarre drumming noises which had woken her up.

"Who the heck is that weirdo rabbit?" she hissed to Thom as they stumbled their way around, attempting to find their balance.

"Hare, kiddo, _hare,"_ Thom corrected her. "The Long Patrol are hares. Don't remember that one, though, it's been a long time since I read the books."

For a while, they attempted to concentrate on walking. Having your bone structure and balance entirely rearranged overnight, and then being taken from your natural habitat of a town with paving and neatly-set-out roads and dumped in woodland, is not conducive to easy movement. Thom was actually wobbling a lot more than Suzi, as weasels have long bodies and short legs, and really aren't designed to walk upright.

"What's your name?" he finally asked.

Suzi nearly answered "Susan Smith" before remembering – that was her _old_ name, her boring name for use on Earth. Now she was among kindred spirits, she could call herself whatever she wanted. Besides, her name was better than his – "Nightstalker" was pretty cool, but why use a boring first name like Thomas? Even if he did spell it funny, she didn't see how you could tell – it sounded exactly the same.

"Suzianna Goldenfur," she said proudly, expecting him to be awestruck and congratulate her on such a perfect name choice.

In fact, he laughed so hard he fell over again and tripped a nearby fox into the bargain.

The fox turned on them. "What are you playing at?" she snapped, swishing her tail as she scrambled upright.

"Nothing, nothing," Thom choked out. "Sorry, miss. It's just …" he burst out laughing again. "I'm not laughing at you, really, it's just something mousey here said."

Suzi gaped at him. "Mousey"? She realised the fox was looking at her, and cringed. Having something large enough to swallow you whole glare at you isn't nice. She cleared her throat and murmured "Sorry."

"Ah, it's okay," said the fox, shrugging. "Just be careful, will you? It's hard enough to walk now as it is without tripping over people."

The grey fox moved out of the way, although Suzi thought she saw her glare at Thom again, who was still laughing.

"What's so funny, you … you big oaf?"

Suzi tried to kick Thom, but thanks to the awkwardness of her new body, she missed and fell on her tail again.

"Sorry … sorry," the weasel choked out, finally managing to stand up. "I shouldn't laugh, I signed up with my pen-name too, but … but … _Suzianna?!"_ He sniggered again. "Hey, it sounds familiar – wait, I know it! Weren't you the one who started that flamewar a few months back?"

Suzi blushed. She had hoped everyone had forgotten about that, but what was she supposed to do when someone called her "a creepy, vindictive fanbrat with obsessive tendencies bordering on stalking of a fictional character"?

"Look, if we're going to talk, I'll need to call you something shorter. Su-" Thom sniggered again, "that name's too long. I'll never remember it."

"My real name is Susan, but you can call me Suzi. Most of my friends do."

"Pleased to meet you then, Suzi … what's going on over there?"

The drumming sound started up again and several hares arrived, all armed with pikes, and dragging an angry badger in a net.

"Sorry 'bout that, Colonel," one of them panted, saluting the big one-eyed hare who seemed to be in charge. "This one panicked an' ran off, we tried to catch him and he turned on us – stop that! Stop it, you silly little blighter!" The hare poked the enraged badger with the end of his pike. The badger growled and leapt at the hare, claws out.

"You're goin' DOWN, rabb-" he started to snarl, but was interrupted by a loud "ZAP". Next second, he was lying semiconscious and twitching on the ground, fur blackened and smoking. Everybeast in the group paused to stare.

The hares withdrew their pikes from the net. On closer inspection, Suzi realised the spearhead tips had been removed and replaced with what looked like blocks of a plastic substance with two short metal prongs on each one.

A grey squirrel broke the silence.

"Okay, I know I haven't memorised every detail of every book, but I'm pretty certain _tasers_ are not part of the Redwall universe!"

"We know that," explained a hare. "We borrowed them from your world, just in case of … incidents like this."

The big one-eyed hare tapped the butt of his taser-tipped pike on the ground.

"Alright, ya lucky lot! Fall into line! Atten-SHUN!"

The group of animals automatically stood upright as they heard this instruction, but sadly most of them promptly fell over again.

"Good grief, what a bloomin' shower!" snapped the hare. "When I say attention I mean ATTENTION!"

This time more of the students stayed on their feet. There was a whimper from ground level. Suzi glanced in the direction of the noise and winced. Apparently one student had thought it was a smart idea to sign up as a snake, and not having legs anymore was unable to stand to attention. She managed to lift her head a couple of inches. The hare sighed and waved a paw at the stricken student.

"Somebeast go and help miss serpent over there. Can't leave a student behind so soon, wot? Don't want to slow the others up."

"Helping" the unfortunate snake in this context apparently meant two hares twining her around one of the taser-pikes and carrying her between them. She protested weakly, but since she had not been able to work out how to slither in any way other than "very, very slowly and awkwardly" in the short time she'd been in Mossflower and awake, she had no choice but to go along with it, especially when the hares threatened to knot her around the pike if she didn't.

"Steady in the ranks there!" bawled the hare, slapping down the butt of his pike again. "Left _turn!_ Quuuuuuuiiiick MARCH!"

What happened wasn't exactly the perfect synchronised march up the north-leading path that the hares had been hoping for. It was more of a mass shamble, students tripping over their own heels and tails, tripping over each other, narrowly avoiding stepping on each other, and so on. The one-eyed hare slapped his forehead as they marched in perfect time behind the wobbling captives-come-prospective-students.

"Honestly, what do these humans teach their offspring these days?" he groaned.

"It could be worse, Colonel sir," a hare volunteered, yanking on the net over the stumbling, still half-conscious badger boy. "Most of them are at least moving."

For the thousandth time, Suzi tripped over her own tail. Unfortunately, it had apparently been raining that night, and she landed face-first in one of the puddles that dotted the road.

"Oh – _splut!_ – this is just what I nee-" she began to complain, spitting out a mouthful of muddy water, and stopped as she caught sight of her reflection.

She had indeed written on the form that her mousey self should have "blonde hair – I mean fur – with a black streak down the middle". She had _intended_ the latter half of this description to be referring to the "headfur" possessed by many cartoon animals and a lot of other furry art characters, but unfortunately it hadn't quite worked that way. She could have passed for a normal Earth mouse in shape and size, and unfortunately also in pelt style; she did not have "headfur" at all, but the black stripe was indeed there. It extended from her nosetip backwards over her forehead and scalp, and she guessed it ran down her back as well.

"Oh my God, I'm _hideous!"_ she screamed. "It's all gone wrong! Now I look like a skunk!"

"Trust me, it could be a lot worse," came a voice from behind her. Maroon-furred paws helped her up.

"Thanks …" Suzi looked at her helper and was too surprised to say anything further. Thom was also gawping at the new creature.

"What?" asked the squirrel, scratching at his tail. It was the tail which caught their attention. Instead of fur, it was sprouting leaves and a scattering of pink blossoms, which clashed horribly with his dark-red fur.

"Oh, this," he muttered as he realised what was so riveting. "I think there was a mistake with my form. I put down 'Cherry Squirrel', like the one I put in my fanfics, I only _meant_ I wanted red fur, and it came out like this."

"Considering I went to bed last night normal in my own home and woke up this morning in an alternate universe as a weasel, I probably shouldn't be calling anything weird, but …" Thom said, hiding a grin. The squirrel scowled at him, lower lip trembling slightly.

A female otter with blank golden orbs for eyes turned to look at them.

"Yeah, look at me. At least I can still see out of these, though I don't know _how."_ She tapped one of them. It went "ting", demonstrating to the disgusted Suzi and Thom that it was in fact real gold. "I think whoever dealt with our forms must be really good with magic and really, _really_ bad with metaphors."

"ATTENTION!! ORDER IN THE RANKKKKKSSSS! CONTINUE MARCHING!"

The voice cut through Suzi's daze as a hare approached them, with a sabre tucked under his arm.

The mob hastily got back into marching order as best as they could and continued their march. There were complaints, but the students were very careful to whisper them, some having learned early on that the hares had very good hearing and some were crack shots with slings, and all having witnessed the taser-pike incident.

The group had been marching for an hour or so, although they would have sworn it was a lot longer – the students because their new limbs made movement terribly awkward and uncomfortable, the hares because they were having to herd the disoriented students. Thom and several others had opted to walk on all fours, as this made their balance a little easier. Suzi, not being willing to put her hands in the dirt any more than necessary, had asked permission to lean against Thom's shoulder; he had complied, albeit with sarcastic remarks about "Hey, not till the second date." These remarks had stopped pretty quickly when she sank her claws into his scruff, and they'd finally reached an agreement. Several other students were propping each other up as well. The snake was still coiled firmly around a pike held by two hares, and the badger boy in the net was still being simultaneously dragged and prodded along by the hares, struggling and grumbling every step of the way.

Suddenly, the road they were on lead to a ditch, and beyond it...

Suzi gasped and almost tripped, but managed to catch herself on Thom's shoulder.

"That's impossible, right? I mean, it's not real, right?"

A hare replied, "You're already in a different body, surrounded by talking animals, and you still think it's all fantasy? Kit and Minty were right. You lot are as daft as brushes."

Suzi was too stunned to object.

"It's … it's even more beautiful than I ever thought," she murmured absently.

Redwall Abbey stood with closed gates, and a makeshift stage before which were several vermin and hares armed with nasty looking pointy objects, and on the stage, a fox, and a big hulking creature that Suzi did not recognize, although it looked scary.

The students milled about in confusion until the Long Patrol used their pikes to herd them into neat rows before the stage. The one-eyed hare saluted the creatures on the stage, whom Suzi guessed were the mysterious co-ordinators who had been mentioned on the form.

"Colonel Cornspurrey de Fformelo Tussock reportin', sir and ma'am. Students all present and correct."

"Thank you, Colonel, we'll take it from here," said the fox

Even to a mouse, the fox looked fairly harmless. He was slim and clad in a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches, with half-moon spectacles on a neck-chain and a slightly nervous smile. His posture was relaxed and didn't seem too threatening, and even though the smile showed off his pointed teeth, there was not much threat even in that.

His partner, on the other paw, was terrifying. As Suzi would find out later, she was actually rather short for her species, but since "short for her species" was still more than ten times Suzi's current height, this was not immediately noticeable, or particularly comforting. She was stocky and brown-furred, and Suzi could see the gleam on the large fangs even from her vantage point far underneath the podium. This creature also wore half-moon spectacles, along with a neat green dress and an expression of gleeful anticipation, and was flexing a switch in her sharp-clawed paws.

Thom looked at the mysterious creature nervously.

"For some reason I always thought wolverines were somewhat smaller," he muttered.

"That's a wolverine? I always thought they were just really small wolves."

"No, they're actually more like badgers, except a lot more vicious," interrupted a nightingale standing on Suzi's left side.

"Yeah, I thought it looked sort of like a badger, but it's uglier than …"

The nightingale and an iguana simultaneously tackled her, and the nightingale covered Suzi's mouth with his wing.

"Mouse, quit it. Don't say anything like that. It's very very bad to insult the staff. Insulting the staff bad, very bad…" The nightingale's speech seemed to dissolve as he continued to mumble to himself.

"Been through this before?" muttered the iguana sympathetically, patting his back. "I've been through _two,_ I know the feeling."

The fox smiled, looked over the crowd and began, "Excuse me?"

The students were still talking.

"May I have your attention please? May I please have your attention?"

The words were lost as the students continued to talk, despite the fox's clearing his throat and tapping a paw on the podium.

"PAY ATTENTION OR I WILL MAKE YOU SERIOUSLY REGRET NOT DOING SO!"

Every student froze and turned back towards the stage, where the large creature (_wolverine, _supplied Suzi's mind) was calmly smoothing her fur and breathing deeply.

"Thank you. Now that we have your attention, allow us to introduce ourselves. I am Mr Kit, one of the two course co-ordinators here at OFUR. I answer to the name of Mr Kit, or Kit. Call me a nickname like Kitsy, though, and we will have to … talk."

That last word seemed to imply more then a friendly talk, which seemed very out of character with his "sweet-natured nerd" look.

The wolverine stepped forward.

"Hello, students," she said in a clipped-sounding English accent, smirking and flexing her switch. "I am the second course co-ordinator, and my full name is Miss Araminta. I dislike that name, so you may call me Miss Minty, but drop the "Miss", and I will not hesitate to disembowel you."

Mr Kit smiled as if his colleague hadn't just threatened a couple of hundred terrified students with a horrible death.

"And now we've introduced ourselves, let's get to know all your names," he said in a cheerful voice (Suzi wondered if he meant it to be as irritating as it was), producing a book which apparently contained the list of student's names. "Aaron Allein Tod Füchs?"

"Present!" called the fox in question, prodding distractedly at his tail, which was apparently made of real gold – it even sounded metallic when he tapped it with a claw. Suzi would have been surprised by this, but she was already running on mental overload for the morning, so she hardly noticed. She was so absorbed in her own confusion and fascination that she didn't notice most of the names, and only just managed to register when her own pen-name was called. One or two stuck out from the crowd; the golden-eyed otter was "Tiraamilaen" (noticeable because Mr Kit stumbled over the pronunciation several times until the unfortunate otter told him the correct way), the snake was called "Tungsten Monk" for some reason best known to herself, and the flowering squirrel was apparently calling himself "Sir Geranium TulipBulb". She swore she could see Mr Kit hiding a smirk as he called out that name, and Minty wasn't even trying to hide her sniggers. The squirrel cringed and said "… Present," in a barely audible voice.

Finally, the roll call was over. Kit closed the register with a snap and began his speech again.

"Now, as you can guess, whatever you put down on your application form, you have become, and unfortunately, our application department lost their sense of humour during the Great Fanfic Debacle of 2003." Kit surveyed the gathering, eyes lingering briefly over Geranium TulipBulb's flowery fur, Tiraamilaen's blank metal eyes and Aaron Füchs, who was still poking curiously at his metallic tail. "As I'm sure you will have noticed, they have a tendency to take the descriptions somewhat literally. Yes, what is it?"

A bizarre-looking big cat clutching a satin sheet around her body raised a paw.

"Er, can I have my clothes now? I wouldn't object normally, but I'm getting cold, and you don't want to know what the cold does to my piercings …"

"Farget yar clothess, gal!" interrupted Tungsten Monk, too distressed to bother with her usual repertoire of humorously-faked accents and dropping back to her real Midwestern. "Ah want mah HANDSS back!"

"You can go indoors and get changed as soon as we finish the talk. We would let you in earlier, but this talk is vital to your safety at the OFUR, and we need to prepare you before we let you in, just in case of … incidents. And as for you," Kit addressed the snake, "sorry, you did fill in the form as 'snake-humanoid', and unfortunately that must have been misinterpreted slightly in order to maintain consistency with the fandom. I'm afraid snakes in this continuity, like your own, do not have limbs, so … your new form came out a little differently than you might have expected. Pure snake, from what I can see, and if there are any humanoid features I can't see I really don't want to know about them."

Miss Minty covered her mouth with a paw as if to hide a grin.

"Sorry, but anyone with problems with their new body is going to be stuck like that for the duration unless you can present a convincing case to Miss Minty and myself that it's impeding your life and learning here. I think losing your limbs may come under that heading, but we'll have to discuss it with the Headmaster." He shuffled his notes. "Now before we continue, let us get some things straight. You are all here due to your writing, and the terrible quality thereof. Basically, we're sick of you writing trash. Now, certain staff members here wanted to kill you all and stick your heads on pikes as a warning to other fanwriters, but Miss Minty and I decide to try to redeem you students. We intend to do this via one year of intensive study of the ins and outs of the fanfiction genre, after which you will be returned to your own world, hopefully a little wiser for your experience. And before you panic, thanks to your leftover plotholes, we will be able to return you back to the day you left, a few seconds later of course, but nobody will have noticed that you were missing. Miss Minty, can you read them the rules?"

Miss Minty stepped up to the podium.

"Rule One of all Fanfiction Universities is this: Thou Shalt Not Glomp. A glomp is strictly defined as an enthusiastic running hug, but in fact the staff would really prefer it if you didn't try to touch them in any way, cuddly as you may feel some of them look." She glared at the crowd, silencing the giggles. "This rule is in place for your own protection. I don't think you would want me to tell you what the penalty is."

Mr Kit waited, then grinned as a hare student raised her paw.

"What happens if we do g…"

The rest of the sentence was drowned out by a loud roar.

Suzi snapped towards the noise to watch the entrapped badger break free from the net, and charge at the stage claws-first, teeth bared and hackles raised. Mr Kit sighed and took a step back as Miss Minty raised her paws in a fighting stance.

What happened next was probably not fun for the badger. Suzi barely even saw the wolverine move, but next thing she knew the badger was hurtling through the air upside-down, his roaring replaced by screaming. He smacked into the sandstone wall, slid down it and landed unconscious on the ground.

"That happens," said Minty calmly, checking her claws. "Dammit, think I broke a nail on his teeth … ahem. Rule Two …"

Suddenly a rumbling noise filled the air. Every conscious student turned to meet it, and they beheld something akin to the Pearly Gates opening. In this case it was more wooden gates, and the inner grounds of Redwall Abbey instead of an afterlife, but it didn't really matter to the students. They beheld the view of several of the canon characters of Redwall, both vermin and woodlander, who had also turned towards the gates when they heard the noise. The canonicals, whether they were squirrel, otter, hedgehog, mouse, or rat, weasel, fox or ferret, all shared a look of absolute horror. The students, however, soon started to develop a look of absolute longing and bliss. Behind them, Kit groaned, and Minty looked simultaneously angry that the students were losing control so soon and pleased at the prospect of impending violence. The appearance of their beloved characters, coupled with the fact that most of the students were now in the bodies of adolescent or young-adult animals and not used to controlling the natural urges of such, caused a reaction that was typical for almost any Official Fanfiction University. The students stampeded.

Suzi raced through the gate along with the other students, rushing towards the canon cast with an intensity equalling or surpassing that of a Bloodwrath-affected badger. It appeared nothing would stop the crazed students from reaching the staff, who were mostly too surprised by the sudden attack to try to run … Suddenly the pond erupted into geysers and black shapes soared up and arched down towards the charging students. Suzi had barely enough time to wonder what was going on when the world went black as something landed on her.

**Miss Minty: Don't worry, Tungsten Monk, you'll get your hands back by the end of the first day. We know you put "humanoid" but Kit and Minty need their laughs to distract from the boring paperwork and stressful staff-control, and pure snake makes for a better visual gag. Next time, the students settle in a little, and we'll try to get more of you in. Don't worry if your character hasn't shown up or done very much yet, but we have a couple of dozen applicants and not enough space to get to know them all in every chapter, so we stuck to some of the more easily recognisable ones here. Yes, coming up with literal interpretations of the apps was far more fun than it should have been. Real-life me has the "excuse" of Asperger's Syndrome, which means I "don't get metaphors" – I actually do, usually, but it's fun to pretend I don't and watch people try to explain. Not sure if Minty the character has it, though, she doesn't really seem like it, but she does like to creatively misinterpret things for a quick laugh.**

**A/N: Mr. Kit: As with Miss Minty, RL me has Asperger's Syndrome as well, as well as ADHD, so sometimes taking things literally can be fun. Kit does seem nicer then Minty, but, the truth is he can be just as evil, although, he prefers to torture mentally then physically. Finding ways to mess up the applications was fun, especially if the application was asking for it. As for what took down Suzi and the others, well, that's coming up next chapter. As always, please remember to enrol by email or on the LJ.**


	4. Chapter 4: Minis, Maps and Mental Trauma

Suzi woke with a groan and fluttered her eyelids, as she registered several things.

First, her new body had some new aches and pains.

Second, that she was no longer outside, but on some kind of bed looking up at some kind of ceiling.

Third ...

What the hell had just happened?

Suzi remembered the students charging en masse at the new creatures, herself close to the front. Thom had been beside her, apparently unwilling to join in the stampede but unable to run against the tide. She remembered one or two of the students had reached the objects of their attack, particularly the larger ones. A big cat with odd blotchy fur patterns had nearly managed to grab a terrified otter, but had slipped when the satin sheet wrapped around her body had come undone and tripped her. A smaller wildcat had made a beeline for a large diamond-patterned snake, but had tripped over Tungsten Monk. Said snake-girl, suddenly somehow finding herself capable of speedy movement, had flung herself at the other snake, who seemed amused as the now handless and armless girl bounced off. This did not stop the snake girl as she wrapped herself about the larger snake, who for some reason seemed to be enjoying the coiling. Suzi was sure she'd heard him hissing "Left a bit, left a bit … that'sss good …" as the serpentine student wrapped around him and nudged at his back with her snout in the nearest thing a creature with no limbs can get to a hug. Suzi giggled to herself at the memory, but then full recollection of her own actions kicked in. She'd been running too … why? Oh yeah. _Oh._ Uh-oh. She gagged. No, not possible.

Suzi had had an on-and-off "crush" on Martin since the age of ten, and until now had been comfortable with it. She had known that she liked him as a character, not as a pretty boy (like her more intense and recent crush on Orlando Bloom, but there was nothing wrong with that – Orlando Bloom was human). It hadn't mattered much, since she'd never thought it was possible for them to meet, and besides she'd seen in some issue of Cosmo or other that just because you fantasised about something didn't necessarily mean you actually wanted to do it. But her mad rush at Martin hadn't been mere admiring devotion to the character, nor innocent thoughts of hugging a cute furry animal. It had been pure, unadulterated lust.

Her first word upon fully emerging from her coma was;  
_"EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!"_

A thin, bespectacled mouse wearing a namebadge reading "Sister Alkanet: Infirmary" leaned over her.

"Ah, nice to see you're awake, nearly all the others are up already. Hurry up and put this on," Sister Alkanet said briskly, handing Suzi a bundle of green cloth. "You've been out for nearly an hour, Mr Kit and Miss Minty want to finish their speech."

Suzi sat up on the bed, head still reeling with confusion and disgust at herself. She was in a long room full of beds, which she guessed was the famous Redwall Abbey Infirmary. A few creatures were still lying on the beds, out cold or just groggily waking up, and several others (most, she noticed, wearing expressions of disgust similar to how she felt) were struggling to change from nightwear into what looked like rather ugly pale green bathrobes. She checked the bundle in her paws. Yes, it was another green robe. She looked quizzically at Sister Alkanet, who gestured irritably.

"Well, put it on, girl. We felt that issuing you with novice habits for temporary use would be quicker than waiting while you all paw through your belongings – we know how long you young humans take to get dressed."

Suzi groaned and pulled the hideous thing over her head. Urgh, who chose green for the Abbey uniform anyway? She could have lived with even what she thought of as a "normal" nun's habit – black and white were fine. But sickly pale green? Not her colour at all. Though that was frankly the least of her problems today.

The students streamed out of the infirmary and down to the grounds, most looking very ill or at least uncomfortable as they remembered their pre-coma actions but not wanting to antagonise the staff again by lingering in the sickbay, and assembled in front of the stage once more. This time, however, they were surrounded by various canon characters as well as the hares, all bearing various weapons and looking either nervous or angry. They needn't have worried. None of the students were exactly in the mood to try stampeding again. Even the few who weren't surprised and horrified at their own behaviour – mostly the hardcore furries, or those who had actually glomped for the cute huggability of the animals, or just those with no natural shame whatever – were sulking at having been forced to wear the funny-looking novice habits.

Suzi couldn't help but notice a scattering of students still in nightwear, who presumably had not joined the stampede. The group included the one or two students who had elected to remain human, the badger boy who had only just woken up and thus hadn't been conscious for the stampeded, and the nightingale and iguana she'd met before, who had presumably been broken of the urge to glomp by their previous OFU experiences.

Mr. Kit stood and looked over the confused students, with a smile.

"We're sorry about that. The gates weren't supposed to open until we'd prepared you a little better, but some of the Dibbuns wandered into the gatehouse and one of them accidentally knocked the opening mechanism. Going by your expressions, I take it some of you are having some difficulty accepting what is happening to you, and I'm sorry but we didn't really have time to warn you. Well, now I have the chance, I would like to tell you that your sudden and violent attractions to animals are not a problem at all here. They are an unfortunate but mostly normal side-effect of the body transfer. You are in animal bodies now, your brain chemistry has been adjusted appropriately, and so you would naturally be attracted to other animals, of the same or similar species. In fact, if I were to show you pictures of humans now, you'd have no reaction at all and may even find yourselves repulsed. So the, ah, lusting is normal, insofar as anything here could ever be called 'normal'. I know it's slightly off-putting, but you'll get used to it in a few days. You, girl – Maisie Ann, is it? – I know finding yourself trying to hug Cluny the Scourge was unpleasant, but I'd like it if you stopped trying to hang yourself with your tail. All you'll do is break your tail, and possibly the tree branch."

Every student sighed with relief, and the embarrassed rat-girl tried to remove her tail from its knots around her neck. Suzi inwardly cheered. She wasn't a weirdo, she was acting in an entirely species-appropriate way. Now if she could just stay a mouse for long enough to pick up some swordplay tricks and show off to Martin, maybe … just maybe, he'd want her to stay around and persuade the co-ordinators to let her stay here as a mouse forever!

Unfortunately, Miss Minty chose this moment to butt in with a sadistic smirk.

"However, we do not accept that as an excuse to indecently assault members of staff. One week's detention for every student present."

Groans and pleas spread throughout the group even faster than the sighs of relief, particularly among the small group who had not succumbed to the urge to glomp.

"Why are we in trouble? We didn't do anything!" wailed a pale-faced human boy with blank white eyes.

"Nor did I!" complained Thom. "I didn't want to go, I sort of got swept up in the rush!"

"Fine. Cancellation of your week's detention, and add _two_ weeks' detention for both of you for talking back to staff members," Miss Minty informed him, smirking even more broadly. "Would anyone else like to protest? No? Good. Oh, and don't try to get out of detention. We have ways of dealing with escapees."

Mr Kit continued, "Now, I am sure you are wondering what stopped your rush. That is simple, and I am sure that some of you would have realized."

Next to Suzi, both the nightingale and the lizard groaned and muttered, "Minis."

Suzi was confused. Whats?

"Mini-Deepcoilers."

Suzi's head snapped back to the stage, where some large slimy somethings in a tub of water had been carried to the stage by a large badger with a yellow headstripe. "I'll let my partner show you what we mean," Kit said, with a nod to the badger. Miss Minty reached into the tub and pulled out …

Suzi squinted at the thing. It looked more like a snake with fins than anything else, about twice the length of a cat but slimmer, with slimy grey and green scales, a collar with a nametag, and very sharp fangs which showed as it hissed at the assembled students. The wolverine let the creature drape itself around her shoulders, ignoring the water soaking her dress. Another serpentine creature poked its head out of the tub and licked Mr Kit's proffered paw.

"Meet two of the Mini-Deepcoilers, Tarsmina and Mattiomo. Every time one of you misspells the name of a character in this fandom, you create one of these little fellows. We have a good few hundred now, and there's more coming every day. I'm sure you will learn fairly soon to avoid creating any more. The Minis are the guard beasts of the Fanfiction University, and are extremely protective of the staff, particularly their specific namesakes. The more popular characters tend to have their names mangled in more ways, so be warned that the most popular characters are also the most heavily guarded."

"By _those_ things?" sneered the strange-looking big cat, who now had a cigarette dangling from her lip. Suzi wasn't sure if she was supposed to be a tiger or a leopard, and currently being a three-inch-tall prey species she didn't really care, since either would have made her equally uncomfortable. "What's so scary about them?" The Minis glared at her from the stage.

"Now now, Miss Tanzanite has made a good point," said Kit calmly, scratching Tarsmina's head. "They may not seem very threatening, I'll admit, but I'd advise you not to get on the wrong side of them. They don't have hands, but they can bite and headbutt, or coil very tightly around things such as, oh, let's say misbehaving students. They're much lighter than the original Deepcoiler, so they can move on land as well as in water, particularly on wet or slippery surfaces. They can outswim most otters, and some of the bird and bat staff members have been known to pick the Minis up and drop them on unsuspecting students when annoyed."

"And once they get themselves around your neck, or get your head in their jaws, it's over for you," Minty finished. "Oh, and let me tell you from experience; those teeth can really _hurt."_ She dropped the squeaking Mini-Deepcoiler back in the tub and stepped back to the podium, tugging at the now wet collar of her dress. "Now, to go back to what we were saying before we were rudely interrupted. Rule One, as I'm sure you will now remember, is Do Not Glomp. No excuses will be accepted. Even if you, say, 'just happen' to have a very strong magnet in your pocket which drags you irresistably towards Martin's armour when he 'just happens' to be wearing it – and yes, we did have someone try to use that excuse." She and Kit smirked at the memory. "Rule Two: You are not to go into the Staff Sections without a pass, and trust me, these passes are difficult to obtain. Once again, this rule is in place for your own protection, as the staff do not like having their space invaded and some of them tend to get … creatively violent." She picked up her switch from its place beside the podium and once again flexed it ominously as she spoke. "Rule Three: Do not ring any bells near Cluny or Gabool. Again, this rule is for your protection – I think even you lot are bright enough to get the idea here."

"Who's Gabool? I think I missed that book," Suzi whispered to Thom. He rolled his eyes and was about to explain when the iguana poked him in the back.

"For god's sake, listen to them!" he hissed, sounding worried. "Do you want to experience Fanfiction University punishments first-hand? The Minis are only the start!" He shuddered.

"Rule Four," Miss Minty continued talking to the students, "Do not attempt to bribe the staff, and ESPECIALLY do not attempt to bribe hare or vermin staff members with food. It took us six months to get the stain left by the trampled remains of the last student who tried that out of the carpet."

Suzi slowly started to tune out the interminable list of rules. What was the point? She was fulfilling her childhood dream, meeting her heroes, and there had to be _rules?_ Where was the fun in that? She stopped listening and started to examine her fellow students instead. It really was fascinating to see how they'd turned out. Apart from the unfortunate metallic body parts Aaron and Tiraamilaen had been inflicted with, and the flowering tail "Sir" Geranium TulipBulb was suffering from, she saw various bizarre (but at least fully flesh) creatures: a cheerful-looking wolf, a large dog of some breed she'd never seen before, a black-furred squirrel covered with bizarre-looking scars. She vaguely overheard Miss Minty saying something about how they weren't allowed to sing a song about hedgehogs, and wondered why several students either snickered or looked disappointed.

Suddenly, Miss Minty's interminable droning was interrupted by two loud shrieks. Every head jerked around to the origin of the sound. Two vixens, both dressed in bizarre rags covered all over with strings of shells and beads, were pushing their way out of the crowd, eyes wide, waving their paws, still wailing like fire sirens.

"Nightshade, Grissoul, what are you doing?" asked Kit, blinking.

One of them spoke, in a very very eerie voice,

"Beware those from beyond the veils,  
those who come from the awful tales,  
When they come, the walls shall fail,  
All coming here to get their tail.  
Those here will lose their will,  
Forced to pay someones else's bill,  
No one will be safe, even those with a gill,  
Or those who can climb a window sill,  
All those who here are roomed,  
They are all DOOMED!!!!!"

Both vixens wailed again and threw themselves face-down on the ground, still screaming about doom and death and various other things beginning with D.

Suzi blinked. She wasn't sure she'd understood that at all, but it sounded very bad. Most of the others looked distinctly nervous as well. One or two of the less mature ones were actually running in circles panicking. None of the canon characters seemed bothered, however, and a ferret in face-paint actually cuffed one of the vixens on the ear.

Miss Minty sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Ignore them, kiddies. They do this every week. And usually their poetry's better."

The vixens scowled, picked themselves up and disappeared back into the jeering crowd.

"Ahem. Now that little unpleasantness is over, let us continue," said Kit with an ingratiating smile.

Several creatures of various species – all presumably minor characters from the book series – started to wend their way through the mob of students, handing out papers. Suzi looked at the large piece of paper that had been unceremoniously stuffed into her paws by a sparrow (who was carrying them in a bag slung over one wing and "handing" them out with its feet). It appeared to be a very complicated lesson timetable. She looked at one or two of the lesson titles. "Reasonable Naming Conventions"? "Linguistics Of Mossflower – Yes, You Do Have To Write Those Accents"? "Weapons Practical – The Way Of The Warrior Is Not For Everybeast"? Then a very thick pile of papers was pawed over, and she struggled to keep her grip on them. The wad of paper appeared to be a booklist, but it was thicker than most real books she'd ever read.

"Okay, I can understand why we need the wildlife books, but why the heck do we have to read Sun Tzu's 'The Art Of War'?" Thom muttered, skimming the first page of the booklist and sounding confused.

"And these," said Kit as yet more sets of papers were pawed out, one set very large and folded into complex patterns like flattened origami chrysanthemums, the other set in thick wads covered in tiny text, "are the maps, and the instructions on how to unfold them. I'm afraid they're a little more complicated than normal maps, as thanks to various fanfictions by authors who didn't check their facts properly, combined with slight differences in the book, cartoon and Build Your Own Redwall Abbey versions, and our own use of Plothole Technology because of the need to fit a couple of hundred extra people in, especially some too big to normally fit through the doors …" he took a breath, "the interior has changed. We now have what can be referred to as a building of improbability. To put it in simple terms, it is now larger inside than outside."

Thom muttered "Unseen U.,", although what that meant, Suzi had no clue. In the row behind, Tungsten Monk muttered "TARDIS,", and Suzi at least recognised that reference – wasn't that the post-box or something on that show her dad liked? The one with the guy who'd played Barty Crouch Junior?

"Because of the new interior, it's very easy to get lost, so we decided the best thing to do was to persuade some of the staff to show you around a little. Oh – any students who have problems with their new bodies, come up here and we'll take you to present your case to the Headmaster."

Sir Geranium TulipBulb, Tungsten Monk, Tiraamilaen, Aaron Füchs and a scattering of others made their way up to the stage, cringing at the stares.

"Everyone else, if you're not sure which group to go with, just ask the guides …" Kit pointed to the staff members as he named them, and they stepped forward, holding weapons at the ready in case a student broke ranks. "Woodlander females should follow Goody Stickle and Jess. Woodlander males, Ambrose Spike and Nimbalo. Vermin females, go with Fragorl and Shang Damsontongue, vermin males follow Balefur and Killconey …"

"Wait a second! Killconey's a guy?"

There was a pause as everybeast in the vicinity turned to stare at Thom, who cringed.

"What? I remember the book calling him a she! It's been a long time since I read it, but I _know_ I saw that."

"Ye prob'ly did," Killconey said with a shrug. "One o' the early editions got misprinted, so I got called a female in bits of it." He levelled his taser-spear at Thom's chest and grinned nastily. "But that ain't an excuse fer not askin' fer a beta reader or lookin' it up yerself, me fine bucko. I wouldn't mind so much, but as me ould mother used to say, liddle mistakes can cause big problems. Think o' the Minis."

Thom cleared his throat nervously. "Ah, c'mon. I only ever mentioned you in one line. That can't have caused too much trouble, right?"

"Wrong!" came a new voice. Another ferret stepped out of the crowd of canonicals, also holding a taser-spear and grinning nastily. Suzi was struck by how much this one looked like Killconey, who was wincing slightly as the new arrival clapped him on the back and sniggered. This one was smaller and finer-featured, and the voice was lighter, but otherwise they looked the same right down to the last detail of their clothes; they even grinned in exactly the same way. Suzi wasn't yet much good at telling with animals, particularly when they were wearing neutral clothing, but she thought this one was probably a female. She wondered who it was.

Then it clicked.

Ouch. And she'd thought the Minis were bad.

"Who the heck are you?" Tiraamilaen asked the new ferret.

"Err. T'be honest with ye, lass, I don't think there's a word fer wot she is," Killconey muttered, looking embarrassed. "She's sort o' like the Minis, she's the spawn of a mistake in the fandom."

"Mebbe it'll 'elp if ye think o' me as 'is evil twin," Girl Killconey said cheerfully. "Me name's Killconey too, but just call me Konnie. Gets downright confusin' otherwise."

Thom looked as if he wanted to crawl down a hole and hide.

* * *

The staff members led the various groups to the upper floors of the Abbey. Mr Kit had been truthful. The ground plan was impossible to follow, windows and staircases appeared in the most unlikely places, and Suzi could swear they'd gone through the same hallway twice, except for the fact that the door at the end led to a different place each time. The ceilings were all ridiculously high, presumably having been restructured to accommodate the larger animals - Mr Kit had said something about that. The stairs were equally strange; giant steps taller than she was ran alongside several progressively smaller staircases, until they reached the mouse-sized ones Suzi could comfortably use, though she had to run to keep up with the students on the other staircases, who had proportionally larger strides and so faster movement than she did. Eventually she gave up even trying to keep track and concentrated on following the staff members. At least they seemed to know where they were going.

Finally, they stopped on one of the upper floors. By this time most of the students were panting for breath. The guides led each group to the doors of their own dorms – boys on the left, girls on the right. The dorm system was interesting, as it were split four ways rather than the expected two. One side for male, the other for female, and each was split into sections for Predator and Prey species. This was explained as a precaution to prevent any accidental eatings of students. Suzi wasn't entirely sure whether to be worried or relieved. The student bathrooms were also on this floor. Suzi's concerns about the plumbing (she didn't know much about that part of history, but she was pretty sure Mossflower wasn't in the right time period to have decent indoor plumbing, and she'd just die if she couldn't wash her hair) proved to be unfounded, as Goody Stickle informed the students that twenty-first century fixtures had been installed.

"Mainly because even the vermin couldn't bear to be surrounded by the stink of pheromonal fan-creatures – no offence," Jess Squirrel added, not really sounding as if she _meant_ no offence. "We felt we'd better give you a head-start on removing it. And trust me, after … certain lessons, you will want to bathe more than you ever have before."

Suzi didn't care that she'd essentially just been told she smelled. She'd suddenly realised exactly how much she did have to use the bathroom. Mercifully she got to the head of the queue. As she washed her paws and scrubbed at her unfortunate fur-stripe in a vain attempt to remove it, she glanced around the crowded bathroom. It was rather eye-breaking and slightly scary. Before, she'd just classed most of the students as "bigger than me – be careful not to get crushed". Now the visual reference really brought home to her exactly how weird this place was. What was now "normal" sized fixtures to her (three inches) were on one end of the room, scaling up through squirrel- and hedgehog-sized to otter- and badger-sized (three feet), with some on the far end presumably designed for the very large human, dog, wolf and big-cat students. Now she looked, there was a similar design for the door, or rather doors. The one she had used to enter was actually cut into the bottom of a much larger door, which the giant students had used, beside others for the other size groups. It looked like a small childrens' animal storybook illustrated by Salvador Dali.

Suddenly, there was a high-pitched but definitely male scream, closely followed by an even louder avian screech, from the boys' bathroom across the hallway. Suzi dashed out to see what was happening.

A rat exited the room with a dazed look on his face, walking bowlegged and wincing with every step. Close behind him was the nightingale, cringing and looking down, muttering something about "Why did I have to sign up as a bird?" Suzi was about to ask what was wrong when she heard a voice from the bathroom say:

"Hey, cool - look at this!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"EEEEEEWWWW!"

"Bleach! BLEACH!! _I need to gouge out my eyes!!!!!"_

The door burst open, and four frightened-looking male students had already pushed their way out and disappeared in various directions when the wall to the right of the bathroom seemed to explode outwards. The aggressive badger boy, for once looking terrified rather than vicious, barrelled through the wall and continued down the hall screaming. A shellshocked Thom was out next, eyes wide, muttering "T-t-t-t-two." Suzi hurried over to him and tried to ask what was wrong, but all Thom managed to say was a sequence of variations on "He had two. TWO. My brain."

A ferret (who, judging by his appearance, had been bright enough to specify "silver-_coloured_ fur" on his form) tottered out, looking simultaneously horrified and impressed.

"Damn, I wish I'd signed up as a lizard," he muttered as he stumbled away, clutching his head.

The iguana followed, doing up his belt and looking slightly offended.

"What? I'm a lizard, it's perfectly normal. It wasn't _that_ horrible."

Suzi looked back at Thom.

"What the heck is going on?"

"G-Greyscale, the iguana guy … lizard … lizards have t-t-t- … I don't wanna talk about it!" wailed the weasel. "At least my mental images for the day can't get worse …"

As soon as this sentence was out of his mouth, there was a piercing shriek from the girls' bathroom, and an ottermaid dashed out, paws over her face and sobbing wildly. Suzi immediately ran over to help, patting the back of the otter's knees as she couldn't reach her shoulder.

"Whoa, whoa, what's wrong?" she asked soothingly, wondering what could have happened. The otter didn't smell as if she'd been sick or anything, and she couldn't imagine what else it could be …

The otter soon answered her, choking out the words between sobs.

"B-b-but but but I thought it was … I-I-I only put Hermaphrodite on the form as a _joke!"_

Thom groaned and slapped his forehead. "Guess I spoke too soon about the mental images."

* * *

After these little incidents, few of the students would normally have had much of an appetite, but they'd missed breakfast, and Redwall food is indeed every bit as good as advertised. More problems with the size difference arose and were combated; the giant students sat on the floor, the smallest ones perched precariously on chairs with laddered legs, and everyone was able to reach the tables, upon which there was food enough for every one of them. Suzi found herself totally forgetting her diet as she collected bits of everything – salads of strange combinations she'd never seen before, burdock and geranium and flower petals among the more usual lettuce and carrot; cheese with a strange flowery tang to it (which she would later learn to be the taste of greensap milk, the juice of some strange Mossflower root used as a milk substitute for creatures who couldn't really be expected to keep cows); wheatcakes and oatcakes; and the famous strawberry cordial. It was all delicious … though Suzi supposed her tastebuds had been spoiled, as she couldn't help but wish for just one slice of pizza.

The students who had been taken to present their cases to the Headmaster were now back. Tungsten Monk appeared to have been the only successful one. She was now hugging herself with her newly restored arms between mouthfuls, occasionally taking time to fluff her also-newly-restored hair in relief. Tiraamilaen, still annoyed that her eyes were still solid gold, said something about how she'd heard Tungsten Monk was a close friend of another OFU co-ordinator, who knew Mr Kit well, and a squirrel sitting across the table shrugged and replied "Stinkin' nepotism." The flowery-tailed squirrel, still blossoming merrily, was grumbling to himself throughout the entire meal. Suzi caught a phrase which sounded like "learn to check my bloody metaphors, my foot".

Suzi didn't particularly want to investigate whatever it was the vermin and other carnivores were eating. They did have recognisable food on their table, and most of it didn't look too bad, but she could also see a large and distinctly ominous-looking pot of brownish meat stew. For some reason parts of it seemed to glitter when the light caught it. Some of the more daring students were wolfing it down - literally, in the case of the one whom Suzi had heard referred to as SnuffSnuff, who was devouring a bowl of the stew with every sign of enjoyment on her lupine face.

"You know," SnuffSnuff managed to say between bites, "this doesn't taste as bad as I thought it OH JESUS DID I JUST SEE THAT STUFF _MOVE?!"_

"Hit it with your spoon," said a black-furred rat staff member, who was conspicuously not touching the mysterious stew. "It's more afraid of you than you are of it."

"… You know, suddenly I'm not all that hungry."

Several vermin students pushed away the bowls of whatever-it-was – Suzi could not bring herself to call it "stew" anymore, as that would imply edibility. One or two threw up. The badger boy, who had joined the vermin table (Suzi had heard him claim that the woodlanders were "wimpy" and apparently not worth joining), actually passed out on the floor. Suzi gratefully turned back to the salad and silently vowed never to complain about food again.

* * *

Suzi was confused as to why they had another lecture in the Great Hall, but the staff who had escorted them had said that Mr Kit and Miss Minty wanted to inform them about something. She felt sure she'd misheard Jess Squirrel, though. Why would a writing course need a lecture on brain anatomy?

Mr. Kit grinned as he and Minty entered stage right, both clad in white lab coats for some reason, and once the class had settled down, he started. "Well, we were discussing it, and we figured we might as well get some lessons on you. From previous years, we have had time to get a closer look at how your minds work, and we feel that if we understand this better, we can understand and so teach you better. So we have set up this little lecture on the brain chemistry of your new bodies, to help you understand why you're acting the way you are now."

Suzi was not sure what he meant by that, but it sure sounded interesting … and scary.

"Yes, we had plenty of time, and the volunteers to do so," added Miss Minty. The whole student assembly gulped. The way "volunteers" had been mentioned, had a very unpleasant ring to it which suggested the subjects had not technically been "volunteering".

"Now parts of your problems can be chalked up to the transfer from humans' bodies to animals', but there are certain aspects of your behaviour and physiology which are non-existent in your home world and are brought into being by the transfer to the Fanfiction University world, whether a body switch is involved or not. Here, I'll point them out on this diagram for you."

The fox removed the cover from a large easel which held a large diagram of what appeared to be a brain, if brains were usually coloured in weird shades that made your eyes bleed. Suzi could feel her retina trying to fold up in self-defence after only a few seconds. The large canine standing in the back row whimpered and closed her eyes, muttering "I thought we dogs were supposed to be colour-blind!"

"This is a diagram of a fanperson's-"

Kit was interrupted by a cough from Miss Minty which sounded rather like the word "fanbrat".

"Ahem. A fan_person's_ brain."

"Surprised as we were to find that any of you actually have brains," said Miss Minty in a clearly audible stage whisper. Kit scowled at her, but Suzi could swear he was hiding a smile as he turned back to the diagram and continued.

"Here we have the canonicus glompus area. As you can see, it is in the region that allows for muscle co-ordination. When stimulated by the sight, sound or scent of a specific lust object-" (Suzi truely disliked that phrase. It made her destinied love with Martin seem so crude.) "-it allows the fan person to get to them easily, as Miss Tungsten Monk demonstrated this morning by un-knotting herself and suddenly learning to slither in under five seconds when confronted with Asmodeus. Tests have shown that it also provides enough adrenalin to allow the fanperson to run over water, although-" Here the fox gave another out-of-character grin, which was still dwarfed by his partner's) "-doing that here is not a good idea.

"Now, here," Another portion was pointed to, "is the gland lusticous droolicus, or lust drool gland. It stimulates the salivary glands, and to put it in simple terms, causes the brain's owner to produce massive amounts of drool. We're not quite sure of the workings or the exact biological reason, but there has to be some magic involved, since an average fan person can in five minutes produce more than their actual bodily volume in drool. I must ask you to try and control this for your own sakes, as saliva is essentially water, and … well, you know the problems with water around here. Don't make it any easier for them than it already is, they like a challenge."

The Mini-Deepcoiler guards hissed in a tone Suzi could only presume was their equivalent of a snigger. She quietly resolved to pay attention in class from now on.

* * *

The rest of the afternoon passed quickly. The struggling students finally worked out reasonable methods of locomotion, and Korora the nightingale and a hawk named Twiggy Papaya actually managed to fly a few yards off the ground. Dinner was a more formal occasion, marred only by a few students dropping and withering in pain from the food, and a reprimand from Kit and Minty to some ferret staff member or other.

Their stuff had already been brought up to their rooms, and Suzi slipped into her Hello Kitty PJs, feeling terribly embarrassed at the childish design, but none of the others seemed to care. Either they also seemed embarrassed at their choice of bedtime clothing or they were too busy chattering, skimming their paperwork or trying to assemble the impossible maps.

Zeph Zefire, the hermaphroditic otter (still in the girls' dorm as she'd actually put "female/hermaphrodite" and had been female in her human form), burst into the dorm, crying again. "It's not fair! I told them I only put it down as a joke, and they told me it's my own fault for putting it down. That's just not _fair._ You know what Miss Minty said? I said I thought that option was there as a joke, and she said," Zeph sobbed again before managing to continue, _"'If you'd wanted me to believe that sentence, you wouldn't have begun it with 'I thought''!"_ She (_he/she? it?_ Suzi wondered) dissolved into fresh floods of tears.

A black squirrel with disfiguring scars turned towards the otter boygirl.

"You think you have it bad? Look at my bed."

Suzi turned to look, and blinked. That couldn't be right, right? The bed was a coffin.

"I think they interpreted Dark Squirrel as meaning vampire. Just great. Maybe the blood-dripping fangs thing in my description was a mistake."

Suzi backed away a little. "Er, yeah, that would explain why I saw you drooling at my throat during dinner … Do me a favour and don't _ever_ skip meals, okay?"

Another, more normal, squirrel maiden turned to Suzi, "Hi, I'm Oaknin. So, who are you after? And I hope they have the first Rufe. They TOTALLY messed him up in the second book he was in."

Tiraamilaen the golden-eyed otter popped up next to the squirrel, "Another mouse? Why did you choose that? Can't you tell that otters are the best? I, Tiraamilaen, the Other High Rhunlain, will win Taggerung's love, and live happily ever after."

"I think that's High _Rhulain,"_ Oaknin pointed out.

"Whatever."

A black-furred badger appeared behind the ottermaid, and cuffed her lightly.

"Oh really? And you just assume the Minis will recognise your _Twu Wuv_ and let you in to see him?"

"Of course! Don't be such a cynic, Tipardity, true love conquers all!" replied the otter girl, oblivious to the badger's sarcasm.

The badger inhaled, about to respond when another, much larger, badger entered with a lantern, "Orders from Miss Minty. Lights out in five minutes, or the vermin get to light this room on fire."

That threat was enough to get the girls into their beds. The "Dark Squirrel" hastily pulled the lid of her coffin shut, and the other girls huddled under their blankets.

Suzi's last thoughts of the day before she fell asleep were of ways to get her beloved Martin. Or maybe she'd settle for Matthias – she remembered something about reincarnation meaning they were the same person. And Matthias was probably closer to her age anyway. But Martin was the original, the coolest, and there weren't so many ways to misspell his name so he'd probably have fewer Mini-Deepcoilers around … oh well. Maybe this place wasn't so bad after all. Okay, it was a little weird, but maybe she could get used to it.

Little did she know.

* * *

**Miss Minty: Finally, the Minis are introduced. Cute, aren't they? **

Yes, we're using real-world animal sizes and anatomy rather than scaling them up to human-size, mostly just because this way it's funnier and easier to make the students suffer. Remember; while reading an OFU, if you see something and think "Wait a second, is that realistic …?" the most likely reason is, "It's funnier this way." Except in the case of the bathrooms, which as well as Jess's reasons, will mean they won't get used to the Dark Ages plumbing and so will suffer more when we make them use it on their "experience" exercises later. Every bit of animal anatomy (except for the fanbrat brain diagram, obviously, which I must thank Kit for – the ideas for the parts were all his work) used in this chapter is true. Google the various species to find out what we mean. Yes, lizards really do have, er, two.

The "prophecy" was also all Kit's work, and it's far better than I could have done. I especially love the first stanza. Even if you think it's terrible, remember that bad poetry is also a fine OFU tradition. It may be showing up in future chapters. Then again, it might not. The Seers really do that every week (not that we'll be showing poems every chapter). Think of it as performance art.

Expect Konnie to be showing up in future chapters. We like her. Never actually seen a fanfic which called Killconey a girl, but there really was a misprinted edition which genderbent him a few times, and we figure SOMEONE is going to have used the wrong way. The briefly mentioned Maisie Ann was also ours, we wanted a Cluny fangirl and haven't had one sign up yet. You can still sign up as one, but expect rivalry with her.

Sorry if we haven't got your character in yet, they'll appear soon enough. Was pretty pleased someone actually did take the "hermaphrodite" option on the form. Still waiting for a "Not Applicable" … where do THEY dorm?

Next chapter, the Holiday Special!

Mr. Kit: Don't fret, there will be more minis. They are very cute adorable little beings of destruction, aren't they? And yes, as Miss Minty said, we are being true to nature, although, well, we might be lenient and let the canine students have chocolate.

As for the prophecy, well, I'm sure that more will be coming up. And I would not be surprised if a doomsday cult appears.

As for classes, well, they might be varied for each student, depending on their fanfiction violations. And as for the male students, well, when we continue, after the Christmas special, well, should be critiquing name choices.

Applications are still accepted. Please use email or sign up on the LJ to enrol.


	5. Chapter 5: The First Lesson

_CLANG CLANG CLANG!_

Suzi sat bolt upright with a yelp as the racket of what sounded like church bells pierced her brain. Screams, yells and swearing echoed around the room, but she didn't fully register them through the bells.

"Where's the fire?!" she screamed. She tried to scramble out of bed, tripped on the tail she'd forgotten she had, and started screaming again.

"There's no fire, you silly creatures!" a voice snapped over the noise.

Suzi was brought abruptly back to reality by the voice. Every snout in the dorm turned to face the doorway, in which stood a large female badger, tapping her footpaw.

"It's only the wake-up call, ladies," the badger continued. "You'll excuse the noise, three bells being rung at once tend to have that effect, but I'm sure you'll get used to it soon. Breakfast is in fifteen minutes, classes start in an hour."

"What? It's not even daylight yet!" wailed a dark-furred ottergirl. She gestured to the window, which was indeed still dark. "What time is it, three a.m.?"

"Four o' clock, as a matter of fact, Miss Stormfur," replied the badger. "Breakfast is still in fifteen minutes and classes still start in an hour, I'd advise you to get dressed now and find your timetables."

There was a creak as a coffin opened, and Abvorlanche arose, then looked around. "Four o'clock already?"

"But Constance – uh, _ma'am_, sorry … but the timetables said lessons start at nine!" a rabbit butted in.

"We know, Miss Kalez. Those timetables were written up by Groddil and Ashleg. The first thing you learn here; never trust a vermin, even the ones who never performed any active evil. Oh, and both of you? Don't ever talk back to a staff member again. Did you learn nothing from yesterday?"

Suzi scrabbled out of bed and started rummaging through the suitcase she hadn't bothered to unpack yesterday. _Dammit, none of my clothes fit properly anymore_! she thought, trying to find a skirt long enough not to hike up too far over her tail – which was actually easier than she'd expected, as a mouse's legs are proportionally shorter than a human's – and eventually gave up on trying to make any of her shoes fit. Maybe she could borrow some from one of the Abbey mice later, and hopefully a sewing kit too. She noticed some of the other girls trying to rip holes in the backs of their clothes to allow for their new tails.

Tipardity paused in getting dressed long enough to look at the other badger in the doorway and ask, "So, why are we up now, ma'am? One of the badger lords wants to play commander?"

"NOOOO!!! They want to get to know me better so I can get my Tagg," squealed Tiraamilaen.

Constance shook her head. "Mr. Kit just said to come and find out."

The girls left the dorm in ones and twos – all except the hares, who threw on their clothes and dashed downstairs, Sandflame Montmorency muttering something about how hungry she was. Suzi took a deep breath and tried to walk with poise. Straight back, head up, tail out, whiskers stiff. You never knew, Martin might be just outside the dorm, and even if he wasn't maybe it'd impress those army hares and they'd put in a good word with the other teachers.

Martin wasn't outside, but Thom was, in the middle of a conversation with Aaron the gold-tailed foxboy. They stopped talking and waved to her as she walked past.

"Hey, Su – mind if I walk down with you?" Thom called.

"Oh, that's cool," Suzi replied. "I, uh, don't remember the way …" She giggled nervously as they walked towards the stairway.

"Yeah, stupid maps, aren't they? Took me two hours to put mine together last night, and you've gotta remember to rearrange the damn thing every night according to the moon phases or some- uhh …" Thom trailed off and looked embarrassed.

"What?"

"Er, I don't know how to put this, but … I think you're losing your underwear," the weasel said, pointing to the hem of Suzi's shirt.

"What the- Aargh!" Suzi looked down and realised Thom was right. Something that was unmistakeably the strap of a bra was hanging down the side of her skirt. Other students stopped, pointed and sniggered at the mortified mousegirl.

Suzi fled to the bathroom, hid in a cubicle and rearranged her clothes. _What on earth made me put _five_ bras on at once? _she thought to herself, muttering curses as she stuffed the offending items into her bag. _Stupid transformation. I don't even really need to wear _one_ anymore!_

She dashed out of the bathroom, pulling her shirt back into place, and ran straight into Thom.

"Oof! Whoa, sorry!" she spluttered. "Uh. Thanks for that."

"Hey, no problem," Thom replied with a shrug. "You wanna talk embarrassing?" He pointed to a bare patch on his upper lip. "Only just managed to stop myself shaving this morning. And the Prey guys told me that nightingale – what's his name?"

"Korora, I think."

"That's him. Apparently Korora spent five minutes this morning trying to floss."

Suzi giggled. "So, any idea why the staff want us this early?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say it's to torture us," came a familiar voice. Thom and Suzi turned to see Greyscale and Korora.

"Yeah. They do bad things to students here, very bad things, they say it's to help us but it's very bad," the nightingale muttered nervously.

"How does torturing us 'help' us?" asked Suzi.

"They say it helps the lessons sink in, but we don't think it does. I think they just want to take out their frustrations on us." Greyscale shrugged. "I've been through this a couple of times, it's not so bad once you get used to it."

There was a loud crash and a scream of "DAMMIT!" from further down the hall, and the various students turned to look. The door of the Prey Males' dormitory had fallen off its hinges, revealing a very annoyed Sir Geranium TulipBulb, his clothes torn in various places and the doorknob in one paw.

"What the hell happened to you?" asked a gobsmacked Thom. Geranium sighed and threw the doorknob down. It cracked the floorboards when it landed.

"Maybe asking for 'the strength of a badger' in a squirrel body was a dumb idea. I feel like the Hulk, except I didn't get the cool muscles." He tugged ruefully at his tattered T-shirt. "I managed to ruin three shirts already this morning."

The pair finally arrived at Cavern Hole, and, wasting no time, headed to the nearest empty places on their respective tables and grabbed whatever food they could lay their paws on. This actually wasn't much, as most of the hares were already there, and were stuffing their faces as if they had just faced a large famine. Sandflame Montmorency was looking slightly ashamed, but didn't stop eating.

"Maybe I shouldn't – mrrff – blame Scarum and company for – grmch – eating so much," Sandy muttered, swallowing her fourth oatcake.

"What's going on over there?" Suzi hissed to the green-eyed squirrelmaid beside her, whom she'd heard referred to as Kirin, pointing up the table to the hares. "Have they all suddenly turned bulimic or something?"

"Oh yeah, I heard Basil saying something about that yesterday afternoon. Apparently it's a side-effect of the hare bodies," Kirin replied. "Their metabolism's changed pretty suddenly, so it'll take a few days for their eating patterns to settle. Just be glad they're not _real_ hares, or they'd have eaten everything in the place before we got here." She pointed to the staff table, where several hares were in fact out-doing the students in the eating stakes. Suzi felt indigestion coming on just watching them. She noticed that the co-ordinators were absent for the moment. It was a relief not to see the scary wolverine around, but she wished Mr Kit was there. He definitely seemed much nicer then Miss Minty. Disappointingly enough, she couldn't see Martin there either.

Suzi glanced back over the student tables. Thom was merrily chattering with a ratboy and a large dog Suzi was pretty sure was an Alsatian. Snuffie the wolf was arguing with a funny-looking human kid with cat ears and tail, whose voice was getting shriller and eyes more watery with every word. Suzi's unfortunate room-mate Zeph Zefire was deep in conversation with another otter whom Suzi presumed was male, at least until it raised its voice and she heard it say "Hey, at least you still have SOMETHING there!" Suzi thought about this for a few seconds, then wished she hadn't. So _that_ was what the Not Applicable option did to them.

A cry of "Hey, watch this!" came from the carnivore table, followed by several cries of disgust and one or two of awe.

"Argh, TM, that's horrible!" wailed a female voice.

"Aw, Brakken, you're just jealous foxes can't do that," came the voice of the badger who had been tasered repeatedly yesterday, sounding fascinated.

Suzi turned to look at the commotion and immediately looked away, shuddering. Tungsten Monk had apparently discovered a feature of her snake form which made up for the lack of legs. Namely, the unhingeable jaw; she was in the process of swallowing a large apple whole. Suzi quietly vowed that next time someone said "look at this", she would look _away_ instead.

"That is disgusting," Abvorlanche muttered, sipping calmly from a beaker of something which left sticky reddish marks on her lip.

"Yeah … hey, I thought the hares got all the strawberry cordial," said Kalez, leaning towards Abvorlanche. "You gonna drink all that?"

"I do not drink … strawberry cordial, my dear," said Abvorlanche tersely, exposing her red-stained fangs. Kalez blinked in realisation and leaned away again.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF …!"

Heads turned towards the speaker, and many gasped. Felana Tanzanite had just entered, and was dressed in … well, "dressed" was stretching a point. Suzi gaped. _That can_ not_ be right,_ she thought. _Doesn't that thing cut off her circulation? How the hell does she stand up in those shoes, even before her feet switched to paws? Isn't there a law against wearing things like that in public?!_ There were various cheers and wolf whistles from the vermin, but the Abbeyfolk definitely had trouble.

"Great seasons, girl, what are you _thinking_ wearing that?!" shouted Sister Alkanet.

"Mista Thugg, where's th'resta d'big kitty lady's clothes?" came the tiny voice of Baby Dumble. Thrugg was too stunned to respond.

"She must be possessed. Possessed I say!" Abbot Mortimer cried as he and several of the other Abbeydwellers stood up and advanced on Felana.

The room descended into chaos. Students pointed and laughed as Felana tottered back towards the door, the mice and squirrels looking ridiculously tiny as they surrounded her ankles, waving their paws and shouting various things on the lines of "Begone, vile witch!" and "Get out of here before any more of the Dibbuns see you!" The Abbey bells started ringing again. Two large rats at the staff table started screaming hysterically about "The bells! _The bells!"_ and running around like frightened children. The doors burst open and Mr Kit and Miss Minty entered, Kit looking shocked and Minty looking angry. The Minis slithering between the tables went frantic, staff and students variously panicked and cheered. Eryss Shadowclaw, oblivious to the havoc around her, squinted at Felana and called "Hey, cool, I have piercings like that too!"

Finally, after the various Abbeydwellers had calmed down, Cluny and Gabool had been sedated and the Minis prevented from flooding the building, and Felana had been forcibly dressed and reprimanded for, in Miss Minty's words, "turning up to the first day of school, in what, despite the lack of Christianity in this universe, still essentially counts as a Dark Ages Abbey, dressed like _that",_ the disconcerted students made their slow and shaky way to their first lessons.

Suzi dashed into the classroom, late as usual – one thing she guessed hadn't changed from her normal school life – and stopped dead as she ran into the glares of the two foxes at the front of the room.

"You, young mousemaid, are late," the dog-fox at the blackboard said coldly, tapping the metal claws of his wolfskin cloak on the desk. "Not a good first impression, is it?"

"S-sorry," Suzi choked out, feeling like a hedgehog in headlights. The silver-furred vixen perched on the corner of the desk idly picked her claws, but didn't turn down her glare, which was joined by the many Minis lurking around the edges of the room. Two ermine tied to the desk by their studded collars growled at Suzi. There was something odd about them, but it took her a while to notice what – they weren't wearing clothes, they were on all fours and they apparently couldn't talk. Strange how quickly she'd got used to the anthropomorphism. Well, that and the things were just plain terrifying.

"Whatever. Go and sit down." The fox turned back to the class as Suzi ran the gauntlet of stares, trying to find an unoccupied seat among the mouse-sized chairs at the front of the room – larger students sat out of the way at the back. "Ahem. Now that we are all here," the fox continued, "we can begin your first of many lessons" – he tapped the blackboard and read the words upon it aloud – "'Reasonable Naming Conventions of Mossflower', with me, the notorious warlord, the Urgan Nagru. Oh, and my wife Silvamord insisted on coming along to gawk, and Mister Kit said that as long as she wore a shirt in front of the younger students I couldn't stop her." He glared at the vixen, who continued picking her claws.

Abvorlanche blurted out, "What d'ya mean, naming conventions? It's our story, so we get to choose the names."

A groan rose from the class, as the teachers fixed their gazes on the unlucky squirrel.

"Ahem," Nagru said tersely. "Miss Abvorlanche, as I was about to say, a suitable name is an important part of a good character. To give an example, would _you_ have signed your name on your application form as, let's say, 'Fluffikins'?"

"Of course not, why would I call myself something stupid like that?"

"My point exactly, my dear."

"Fluffikins is a great nickname for my Tagg!" cried Tiraamilaen.

Urgan groaned, then a Mini dropped from the ceiling onto the ottermaid's head. Silvamord grinned. "It seems that your nickname was rejected. Get 'er, Silvamort!"

Urgan sighed, then continued to speak over the frantic screaming, "Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, some names are just not suitable. A good name is an important part of being taken seriously, by both the other characters and your readers. Take me, for example." Nagru grinned smugly and tugged at his wolf pelt. "I took my name from my most famous victim, the wolf Urgan, and modified it to suit my needs."

"Now as for me," Silvamord interrupted, "the 'silver' bit is self-explanatory," she preened her fur a little, "and 'mord' is related to 'mort', meaning death. See?"

"Yeeeeessss," hissed Felana, eyes glinting. She'd apparently cheered up, even though she had been forced into an outfit which, despite being so tight it must have been terribly uncomfortable to wear over a thick pelt, at least covered her from neck to ankle. Silvamord looked slightly uncomfortable and shuffled back on the desk, away from the leering tiger-leopard. Near her, Ilexsco took the opportunity to gaze at Silvamord, although she averted her eyes once the silver-furred vixen had finished glaring at Felana. Nagru saw them and smirked.

Possibly to Silvamord's relief, the door abruptly burst open again, and the funny-looking kid with cat ears and tail pranced in.

"KONICHIWA kitsune-san!" she squealed, tail flicking and eyebrows somehow bouncing half an inch in front of her fringe. "Gomen Sakura-chan so late, sensei, but these bows are, like, sooooooo darn _warui_ to get fixed on time!" She plucked at the bows on her tail, ears, pigtails, and blouse front. The teachers blinked.

"Alright …" Nagru said slowly. "I'm not entirely sure what you just said, Miss Sakura, but sit down, and you'll have detentio-"

"EEEEE! _Super genki neko-chan!"_ Sakura's voice reached new, ear-shattering heights as she spotted the Dirgecallers, which hissed and backed away from her.

"What? What's a neko-chan? Those are ermine!" Nagru spluttered, unsure how to deal with his first real otaku.

Silvamord kicked him in the leg and interrupted. "Yes, go play with the cute kittens, little girl."

"EEEEEE! _Super happy fun kawaii cuddle time!"_ Sakura launched herself at the Dirgecallers. Unfortunately, they launched themselves back.

"Now, if I might continue with the lesson," Nagru said tersely, raising his voice over Sakura's piercing shrieks and Silvamord's cackling, "I've taken a look at the class register, and some of you frankly have no idea how to – down, girls, _down!_ And you, Miss Sakura, shut up this instant!"

The Dirgecallers released Sakura's ears from their teeth, and the girl shuffled to her desk, sobbing about how _"meeeeeeeeeeeen"_ everyone was.

"Now, my dear students, we've seen your application forms," the fox continued, tapping his hook-claws together and grinning cruelly. Silvamord slipped neatly off the desk with a flick of her tail and strutted towards the front row of students. "And, I'm sorry to say, a lot of you have no bloody clue what a reasonable Mossflower name is like. We plan to remedy this, so by the end of the year, about half of you should be wincing whenever anyone mentions the name you wrote on your form."

Suddenly Suzi found herself staring up the length of a very, very large swordblade. Silvamord looked down the blade at her, smirking.

"You. What's your name?"

"Susan S-"

"No, the name you signed on your application, silly girl."

"Oh, right. I'm Suzianna Goldenfur."

Having someone laugh uproariously while holding a sword several times bigger than your body close to your face is very, very unpleasant. Suzi leaned back as far as she could without falling out of the chair as Silvamord whooped and clutched her side with her free paw. Nagru sniggered along with her.

"Suzianna Goldenfur? _Suzianna Goldenfur?"_ the vixen spluttered. "Honestly, girl, did you_ intend_ to make yourself sound like something from the backstreet taverns of Sampetra? Not very heroic-sounding, is it?"

Suzi sank down in her seat and blushed. Various students either joined in the teachers' laughter or winced and whispered commiserations.

There was a soft tapping at the door, but it was lost in the general commotion. It was repeated, slightly louder, then followed by a cry of "Hey, can anyone hear me? Help!"

Nagru stopped laughing, and went to open the door. At first glance there was nobeast there, but closer inspection revealed the creature who had been knocking. It was a small snail, about half the height of the mouse students, who entered very slowly, leaving a slime trail in one of the eye-burning colours the OFUR staff seemed so fond of. "Sorry I'm so late, but it's slow going."

The class laughed hysterically as Nagru gritted his teeth and snarled "Detention," in a slightly sing-song _I-am-going-to-snap-any-minute _tone. Sandy got out of her seat to help the snail, who was looking sulky (insofar as it's possible to tell with a snail), to a seat.

"And you," Silvamord snapped, turning on another student, this one the aggressive badger boy. "What's your name?"

"S-Stripey Sordfang," the badger blurted out, eyes crossing as the sword point wiggled in front of his nose.

"Oh yes," Nagru interrupted, glancing down at a scroll on the desk, which was presumably the student name register. "S-O-R-D-fang … I mean, really, you'd think the minimum requirement for being in this particular fandom would be the ability to at least _spell _the word 'sword'." Stripey sank down in his seat, cringing.

"You?" Silvamord's attention turned on a second badger boy, this one with a vivid blue headstripe.

"Alexander Bluestripe!" the badger squeaked as the blade tip passed within an inch of his throat. The teachers paused.

"Hm. Nothing objectionable there. Decent straightforward name. I suppose that counts as reasonable," Nagru commented. Alexander stuck his tongue out at Stripey, who scowled. "Of course you'll be in trouble for the blue fur later, but it's somebeast else's duty to yell at you for that," the fox added. Alexander deflated a little.

"What about you, girl?" The swordpoint tapped the nose of the golden-eyed ottermaid, who had escaped the attentions of Silvamort and was now busy wiping Mini slime from her face.

"Uh, I'm T-T-Tiraamilaen."

"What? Tria- Tiralim- Tiramisu- … gah." Nagru slapped his forehead and gritted his teeth. "And now, class, you see another common problem with choosing good names." He turned to the board, grabbed the chalk, and wrote; _"Rule One: If it takes more than two attempts to pronounce it correctly, it's a really stupid name._" Tears welled up around the golden orbs in Tiraamilaen's eyesockets. It looked uncomfortable, but at least gold doesn't rust.

Next to be picked on was the dog girl with the oversized claws – Suzi wasn't sure what breed she was supposed to be. She anticipated Silvamord's question as the sword pointed at her, and she quickly yelped "Ana Dogwood!"

"Huh. That's … not _too_ bad, not too bad at all. Easily remembered, relates to you as a character in some way without being over-the-top … Perhaps you'll actually be one of the pawful who pass this class." Silvamord didn't sound too pleased. In fact, she sounded disappointed that she wouldn't get to make a sarcastic comment. She sighed anc continued, tapping the flat of the sword against the backs of her legs as she spoke, "And last but not least … you." The blade swung out and chopped into the desk where the unfortunate flowery-tailed squirrel was sitting. He squeaked loudly. "Name, boy?"

"M-m-my n-name?" stuttered the squirrel, eyes fixed on the gigantic swordpoint jammed in his desk. "Oh yeah … Sir Geranium TulipBulb, but I like to be called Marmalade-"

Marmalade was the first student of the lesson whose name did not trigger any sarcastic comments from the teachers. However, this was mainly because they were laughing too hard. He cringed and sank down under his desk as Silvamord yanked her sword tip out of his desk and leaned against the wall, clutching her sides. Nagru beat a paw on the blackboard and wiped tears of laughter from his eyes.

Finally, the Foxwolf stopped laughing long enough to speak. "Ahem. As you've all so cleverly illustrated, another problem you seem to have is with titles and surnames. In Mossflower second names aren't always passed on from parent to child, the way you understand them, except among a few of the hare and rabbit families, and sometimes the descendants of a famous creature. More often they're taken by an adult as a way of describing and advertising themselves, which is what I see quite a lot of you are doing. Unfortunately, most of you seem to be going just a _little_ over-the-top, so we'll be covering suitable titles in this course as well."

Silvamord interrupted, "By, the way, Miss Lady of Ravens and Wolves, I had a complaint about you from General Ironbeak. It seems he wants to have a word with you about your chosen title."

Abvorlanche grinned, "I'm sure I can make him accept me. I am the Queen after all." She bared her vampire fangs.

"Yess …" muttered Nagru. He leaned over to Silvamord and hissed in her ear. Suzi was pretty sure she heard him say something like "Remind me to get hold of one of those camera things." Suzi didn't know who General Ironbeak was, but she definitely didn't want to be there when Abvorlanche tried to assert her authority.

Nagru continued in a normal voice, "Names don't always have to relate to your status, but taking titles based on your achievements is very common in Mossflower. Vermin tend to use it more often, as a way to promote themselves. I myself am called the Foxwolf, because I killed the wolf myself and took its pelt to show my ability. Titles should be meaningful, they show what you have achieved."

"Suuuuuuuuuuuure you killed it yourself," Silvamord interrupted, rolling her eyes. "Look, they've all read the book, they know where that pelt really came from-"

"Shaddup, vixen!" Nagru snarled. "Don't listen to her, class, she's just jealous of my talent. _She_ never killed a wolf. Did you, you snivelling harpy?"

"Ha!" Silvamord snapped, and turned to the class. "You kiddies want to know what his _real_ name is? It's-"

The students never found out, as at that moment Nagru howled "KILL!" and Silvamord found herself fending off both the Dirgecallers and the Mini-Deepcoiler Nargu. One yell from her, and Nagru found himself in a similar situation with Silvermord and Slivamord wrapping firmly around his neck. The two foxes launched themselves claws-first at each other, the Minis went frantic, the bell rang over the racket and the students took the opportunity to flee.

**A/N: Mr Kit: Applications are on hold for a while, until the current students can get settled in (that is, all get speaking parts). And it looks like the vermin are truly evil. Suzi has survived the first class, but there are others to come that will be less, well friendly. Yes, the teachers were pretty tame for today. Although, the fact that the students got woken up way too early might have helped keep the fatalities down, for now. And expect more great and fun lessons from the staff for next time. **

**Miss Minty: Sorry for the delay with this chapter, but we both have RL issues to deal with – school etc. Updates will be coming more slowly now, probably once every couple of months rather than every six weeks, but don't worry, we're not running out of inspiration and we won't be abandoning you any time soon. Sorry we've had to temporarily close applications, but we're losing track of who's featured where and we need to catch up with letting everyone have a turn appearing properly. Even if we'd prefer it if you didn't apply for a while, you can still suggest any favourite canon characters you'd like to see in the next chapter. And I apologise for how bad Baby Dumble's babytalk is, I can do vermin easily and I can just about do hares and moles but I cannot do extreme babytalk. Oh well. Anyways, hope you like, and see you soon!**


	6. Chapter 6: The Class Menagerie

The door slammed back on its hinges and the students poured out into the corridor, leaving Nagru and Silvamord to their little marital dispute. Suzi was dragged along by the tide of fleeing students, but finally managed to struggle free halfway down the corridor. She shook herself and tried to tidy her fur a little, using the nearby slightly-open window as a makeshift mirror as best she could, and noticed that the sun was now finally rising.

This rather unimportant-seeming fact was brought home to the students by a loud scream ending in a sizzle. Suzi glanced around and saw a small pile of dust lying directly in the path of a sunbeam from the open window, with several students staring at it and looking, variously, confused or horrified.

The Alsatian who had been talking to Thom at breakfast stepped forward and peered at the dust. "What the heck just happened?" he asked.

"I d-don't know!" Marmalade stammered. "Black squirrel … she j-just walked out of the classroom, and-and-and … she went into the light and burst into flame!"

"Move aside, move aside please. Andrew, _don't_ touch that dust!" Mr Kit pushed through the crowd, smiling disarmingly as usual, but something in his tone implying that obeying him _very quickly_ would be the best idea. He looked down at the sad little heap of ashes which were all that remained of Abvorlanche.

"Ahhh, so it happened. I knew I had forgotten to tell her something."

"'Forgotten'? Yeah, right," muttered Greyscale.

Mr Kit's ears twitched, but he didn't respond to the comment. He produced the objects he was carrying tucked under his arm, revealing them to be a wooden dustpan and brush.

"Don't worry, students, this tends to happen to her kind when they're suddenly exposed to certain forms of lights – like, for example, that of the rising sun. Luckily this should be easy to fix." The fox carefully swept up the ashes, then turned to leave, carrying the full dustpan as carefully as one would carry a small child.

"Uh … Sir?" asked a worried-looking ratboy dressed in what looked like a badly made Historical Re-enactment Society costume. "Not that I like her all that much, but is she dead?"

Mr Kit laughed. "Great seasons, no. She's a vampire, there's a perfectly simple method of resurrecting her. As the great PTerry said, 'you will need one drop of blood from any species, and a dustpan and brush'. Now run along to your classes, I know the staff don't like to be kept waiting."

The students finally managed to find the kitchen in the confusing mess of rooms and corridors which now made up the Abbey. The kitchen was huge, reminding Suzi of the stately homes her parents had dragged her round during school holidays. Pots and pans hung from ceiling hooks and were stacked on shelves. Rows of small wooden tables faced on end of the room, at which a female hare in an apron stood beside a blackboard reading "Cookery of Mossflower, with the Honourable Rosemary Woodsorrel".

"Well, hello, chaps and chapesses!" she said cheerfully, clasping her paws and smiling like a nursery school teacher. "Welcome to your first cookery class! My name's up on the board, but as you can see it's a jolly old mouthful – whooohahahahaah! Mouthful, cooking class, get it?" The students clasped their paws over their ears as the hare laughed, all feeling like someone was applying a high-powered electric drill to their eardrums. The teacher continued, unaware of the pain she'd caused her class to suffer. "Anyway, you can call me Hon Rosie, or Mrs Woodsorrel if you want to be picky."

Sandy Montmorency raised her paw and asked, "Errr, Mrs Woodsorrel, my timetable says this class is supposed to be with Friar Hugo. Is he ill?"

Rosie laughed again, causing the students to cover their ears. "Oh, he's a bit busy at the moment. I was asked to take over. I guess my cooking skills were finally recognized as the great things they are." She continued, bustling about the room collecting things from the cupboards and work surfaces. "You see, my dearies, the whole idea of food is very important to Mossflower culture, as any fool who's read the books can tell, so we felt you should get a handle on the basics of how it's made, what it's made _of,_ that sort of thing. Besides, you all need some decent food in you, I've heard horror stories about the stuff you eat back home." She shuddered genteelly. "Bentin Archer, please stop eating that. At least wait till we've _started_ before you all start nibblin', wot?"

The bespectacled shrew on the next table mumbled "s'rry," and attempted to swallow very quickly. He noticed Suzi staring and looked guilty.

"What? I was hungry!" he mouthed. The snail, who was perched on the table beside Bentin, looked faintly disturbed and shuffled very slowly away from him. Not that a snail can shuffle any other way. Bentin noticed his work-partner's nervousness.

"Ah, sorry about that. Oh, relax, Louis, you're safe. I don't eat things which talk to me, and besides, anything with Urple slime has _gotta_ be toxic."

"Oh, thanks! First I'm lunch, now I'm toxic?"

"That is _not _what I meant! If it bothers you that much, why did you sign up as a snail anyway?"

"Now before we start, we have to light the ovens," said Rosie, raising her voice over the bickering at the front. "Make sure they're nice and hot for when we have to use them. There's tinderboxes on your work tables, I'll show you how to use them if you need any help."

Suzi guessed Hon Rosie meant the little metal box. What the hell was a tinderbox anyway? Maybe it was some sort of medieval lighter. She picked it up and examined it for a switch, with no luck. Oh, wait, it opened up … it contained what appeared to be a small rock, a chunk of steel, a few small twigs and sticks and a lump of fuzzy stuff which looked like crushed-up straw. How was that supposed to work? She walked over to the oven and looked for the On switch. Nothing. Not even a gas knob, never mind electricity? She could see a little stone-lined hole under the big box-like oven, which contained a few logs and sticks which she guessed she was meant to light, but how was she supposed to do that with a couple of rocks rather than matches? What kind of place was this, anyway?

"Having trouble? Here, let me see."

Suzi jumped, then noticed that Thom was standing beside her.

"I might be able to help, I know how these work." Thom knelt beside the oven and poked around in the little chamber under it. "See, there's a bunch of sticks in the stove, and you've got to sort of bang the steel and the flint together until you get a spark onto this fuzzy stuff – that's what's actually called the tinder – then you sort of …"

While Thom rambled on and tried to start the fire, Suzi got bored and glanced around the room. She noticed that Korora, Greyscale, and Tungsten Monk had taken refuge together at a workstation in the corner; one that was as far from both other students and the teacher as possible. Felana had given up with the tinderbox, throwing it away, and was using an expensive-looking cigarette lighter to start the fire instead. The thrown tinderbox, guided by the demon Murphy, hit Stripey Sordfang on the head, and he turned round and called Felana something Suzi was sure he would not have said in front of his mother.

"GOT IT!" Thom exclaimed. Suzi turned and saw that Thom had indeed somehow managed to get a tiny flame started.

Murphy's Law being enforced in the University at all times (and we do mean _all_ times), it immediately blew out. Thom repeated the word Stripey had just used, much louder, and set to work trying to start it again.

"Uh, d'you want a hand there? I mean, a paw?" Suzi asked.

"No way, I can handle it," was the reply, followed by the use of several more unrepeatable words. Suzi quietly translated this utterance from Young-Male-speak, deciding it meant "Yes, I do need help, but I'd swallow live coals before I admitted as much, particularly to a girl who I don't know very well".

There was a loud clatter, and then a shout; "Okay, that's it. I'm doing it my way!"

Suzi turned and noticed the human boy with white eyes, who was growling at his stove, the tinderbox lying on the ground.

"Okay, I've had it!" he snarled at the oven. "You're going to be lit."

The boy seemed to grow, and the students near him backed away as he suddenly turned into a dragon.

Even by the standards of the OFUR, which the students were rapidly becoming used to, this seemed somewhat unusual.

"What the HELL is going on?!" screamed Suzi, from under the table.

"Oh yeah, we should have warned you," said Thom. "Blake's a shapeshifter. Don't worry, I think he's harmless."

"So why are you under the table as well?"

"Well, I did say 'I _think'._ I don't know how good he is with his powers yet, he's only had them for one day."

"He's good enough to stretch his arm long enough to poke me in the back from across the dorm room," hissed the silvery-furred ferret hiding under the next workstation table.

"Only because everyone was complaining about you whistling that damn Beatles song at two in the morning, Fallo!"

"It's a great song! I couldn't sleep, okay?"

"Wait, what's he doing now?"

The dragon opened his mouth, obviously getting ready to breathe fire, but nothing came out except a wisp of smoke and a faint whistling noise. Blake looked worried. His midsection seemed to swell and wisps of smoke issued from his nostrils. Hon Rosie turned, saw Blake, gasped, and hit the deck, paws over her head, and every student who had so far remained upright followed her lead. Suddenly, there was a bang, followed by a flare of fire and smoke, and Blake was gone. Suzi blinked, stunned.

"Is he … is he dead?"

"No, he's alright, he's there." Twiggy the osprey pointed to the far wall. The plaster was cracked and Blake was pinned against it, spreadeagled, feet several inches off the floor. If it had been in a cartoon, it would have been funny, but Suzi couldn't help but be concerned. Judging by his expression, striking a wall hard enough to leave an imprint of your body in the plaster must be even more painful than she had hitherto thought.

"Well, on the plus side, the fire's lit," Blake burbled, before sliding down the wall and landing in an unconscious heap. The students came out from under their tables and brushed dust from their fur and clothes. Rosie straightened her apron.

"Ah, silly boy. I'm sure Mr Kit warned him to be careful when he does that, shapeshifting can't be good for a growing youngster, and he should be old enough to know not to play with fire."

"What happened to him?" asked Kirin, scurrying forward and peering closer at the unconscious boy.

"I'd say he didn't know how to use his new flame ducts," Oaknin said. "That can't be safe, someone should probably warn him not to try that indoors again."

"I'm just glad he doesn't have it as bad as the Discworld dragons," Thom commented, trying to find his dropped flint. "We'd be scraping bits of him off the ceiling if he did."

Much swearing, burned paws, cuts from the sharp pieces of flint, and one severely bruised footpaw on the part of Alexander Bluestripe later (he had become frustrated and kicked the metal stove, which is not a good idea when you are lacking shoes because the only pair you brought to the OFUR weren't made for badger footpaws), every oven was finally lit. Rosie, meanwhile, had been scrawling on the blackboard; a recipe for seedcake. It seemed simple enough, so Suzi assembled the ingredients and started work. Thom squinted at the board.

"That can't be right …" he said to himself.

"Why, have you made seedcake before?" Suzi asked, sieving flour and trying to aim a sneeze away from the food. She wasn't good at sieving flour, and it was going all over the place.

"No, but I'm pretty sure half an hour is far too long to bake a cake this size. Not that I've ever made cakes an inch across outside of this place, but … I know cupcakes only take about ten minutes to cook, and there's no way this can take any longer. And shouldn't they have eggs or something in there?"

Korora and Twiggy Papaya overheard this sentence and glared at him. Ospreys can glare very effectively, and Thom cowered.

"Hehe, sorry miss, sorry Korora … but they need something to bind it together, or it'll go all-"

"Oh, stop moaning, we're falling behind," Suzi snapped. "Rosie must know what she's doing, or they wouldn't have picked her to teach the class!"

Thom sighed and joined Suzi at the workbench, murmuring "Well, if you're sure, but I know I'm not taste-testing the stuff when it's done …"

The students all set to work, with widely varying degrees of success. The hare students guiltily sneaked their paws into the cupboards or filched blobs of mixture, sometimes getting their paws whacked with a spoon for their pains. Sandy Montmorency rolled her eyes and sighed with exasperation at the single-mindedness of her fellows, then looked very distressed as she realised her own whiskers were smeared with batter. Bentin, meanwhile, was also digging around in the store cupboard. Louis was unable to stop him, as he was trying to handle the limitations of his new form. The Headmaster had apparently deemed it appropriate that he should have his arms back, but this courtesy had not extended to having his bones back, so he was having difficulty in picking anything up. It's also hard to bake when one is trying not to get Urple slime everywhere.

"Sheesh, what's up with Bentin?" asked Thom, looking up from stirring seeds into the mixture. "I thought it was the hares that were supposed to eat like pigs!"

"He said something about shrews needing to eat a lot yesterday," said Marmalade from two tables down.

"Yeah, he did," agreed the odd-looking spotted otter working with Zeph. "Don't remember what he said exactly, but he woke us all up with his snacking about six times last night."

"Hey, watch what you're doing with that ciga_aooowww!"_ Andrew the Alsatian, who had been stuck working with Felana Tanzanite, leapt away from her, patting desperately at his paw, which appeared to be smouldering. Felana muttered "Geek," and lit a fresh cigarette as Andrew struggled to work the ugly wood-and-metal water-pump with one paw. Suzi winced, then shuddered as Felana continued to stir the cake batter, cigarette hanging directly over the mixing bowl. _Now that is disgusting,_ she thought.

Suddenly there was a commotion on the other side of the room. Out of the corner of her eye, Suzi caught a red glow and frantic movements. She turned, to see Aaron Fuchs, looking confused, surrounded by a crowd of students, all shouting and gesturing wildly. Close inspection showed that, as the fox had leaned against the counter, the end of his solid gold tail had got caught in the fire under the oven, and was now red-hot. Aaron's partner, a wildcat, was waving his paws and mouthing, but not making a sound.

"What? What is it, Malkin? I can't tell what you're saying!" Aaron asked, looking thoroughly bemused by all the fuss.

"HE SAID YOU'RE IN THE BLOODY FIRE!" screamed Eryss, another wildcat, pointing at the unfortunate fox's tail.

Aaron whirled around, saw that his tail was in the fire, screamed, yanked it out, and dashed around in circles, yelling "Put it out! Put it out! _Please!_ _Put it out before it really sets me on fire!"_ The students all leapt out of the way of the swinging tail-tip, which was still glowing bright red. Aaron swept various items to the floor as he scurried around, a milk jug was smashed, and Eryss and Devin the spotted otter were forced to stamp out a smouldering flour-sack. Malkin continued waving and mouthing, trying to get Aaron to calm down and get over to the pump, but Aaron was in no condition to read the signs from his mute partner.

Fortunately, at this point a large bowl full of water was sloshed over the unlucky fox. Steam poured in a cloud from his tail, and he slipped on the water, landing on his face.

"Oh, thanks, Shven," he said sullenly. The weaselly-looking creature with the bowl of water smiled and bowed elegantly as Rosie and the students applauded.

"Yes, well done, that sable!" Rosie said, clapping and laughing loudly again, causing Shven to wince and block his ears. She turned back to her own cake mixture. "Dashed good show of quick thinkin' there, that'll serve you well here. Now somebeast clear up that mess an' let's get back to … Oh drat! As you can see, my example mixture appears to have turned green." Rosie held up the mixing bowl, demonstrating that indeed it had. "I wonder how that happened … oh well, I'm sure it'll come out alright in the end."

Most of the students were beginning to doubt this assertion, but they went along with it. The mess was cleared up, a normal level of chaos was returned to, and the class started working hard, on the grounds that the sooner they were finished, the sooner they could get out of the room with the most hot things and sharp things in the building.

"Er, Mrs Woodsorrel?" Sandy raised her paw again.

"Yes, Sandflame m'dear?"

"This is greensap milk, right? Made from plant juice?"

"Why, yes. Root juice, to be exact. You don't think we can keep cows here, do you?" Rosie found this idea so amusing she produced another ear-hurting laugh. Sandy covered her ears.

"Uh, that's very true, ma'am, but my point is … I thought it was _impossible_ for greensap milk to go chunky?"

Rosie bustled over and poked gently at the lumps in the milk.

"Oh. Oh, yes, the Sixclaw lad must have been playing in here again, silly boy. I don't know where he gets all those chemicals from, damned if I know what he's put in here … probably him that got into the flour as well … Oh well, it's going to be cooked, I'm sure that'll be enough to get rid of anything dangerous. I flicked through a book about science last week – if it's hot enough the chemicals break down. Besides, once it's mixed in I'm sure you won't notice the difference."

She bustled off again, ignoring Sandy's call of "Er, ma'am, I'm pretty sure it'd have to be much hotter than the oven is to break down the poisons completely, I don't think that's quite-" and went back to her own workstation at the front, calling to the class "C'mon, let's see if we can hurry it up a little!"

Snuffie poked her dough, which squeaked, and she looked at it, then shrugged, grabbed it in her teeth and shook her head from side to side. Ilexsco the fox was rummaging through her bag, and digging out various ominous-looking vials. She looked briefly puzzled, as if she was wondering how they'd got into her bag, then grinned gleefully. Her partner, Tipardity the badger, was slowly moving further away from her as they worked, until her equipment was balanced precariously on the edge of the table. Suzi wondered what the fuss was about. After all, she was sure that the staff wouldn't let students have dangerous stuff. At least, she was_ fairly_ sure … but maybe Thom was right to refuse to taste the stuff. She resolved to at least wait until someone else had eaten it before she did.

After an hour, which seemed like three after all the noise and chaos and swearing and mess, every group succeeded in getting the mixture into the ovens. This was easier said than done. In some cases it glowed ominously green or Urple as it entered the heat, or had to be forced in and the oven doors barred until it stopped struggling. Rosie collapsed dramatically onto a chair, wiping her forehead.

"Phew! Well now, wasn't that fun? See how much nicer it is to make food for yourself? Whoohaahahahahaha!" She released another brain-damaging laugh, failing to notice the half-hearted mutter of "yes" or the exhausted expressions of the students. "Now, we just have to leave 'em to finish baking, and they should be ready for – oh, who could that be?"

The door opened, and Miss Minty and Mr Kit entered, with a short heavily hooded figure between them. The hooded figure was wearing what seemed to be a small glass bottle of red fluid on a thin chain around its neck.

"Okay, we managed to get Abvorlanche sorted out…"

The coordinators stared at Rosie, then looked at each other. They sighed, then Kit's ears went up, and started twitching, as if pinpointing a sound. He marched over to a storage cupboard and tried to open it, but found it locked. That was easily fixed when Miss Minty removed the whole door from its hinges, revealing a bound and gagged Friar Hugo.

"Rosemary Woodsorrel, please explain _this,"_ said Minty, tapping her cane and swishing her tail as Kit carefully untied the mousefriar. "Also please explain why certain vermin staff members were seen attempting to pick the lock of Hugo's room this morning, and why said vermin are currently passed out in _their_ room, surrounded by chocolate wrappers and beer bottles."

"Ah. Er. Well, y'see, marm … well, they did promise not to _hurt_ him, and I was going to let him out as soon as the class left, I swear it, he hasn't even been in there more than a couple of hours, it can't be that bad, and I wouldn't have agreed to this at all but he was ever so bally rude when I asked if I could just come along and help, and I wanted so much to do just _one_ lesson, and I knew where I could get hold of chocolate for their payment, and I …" Rosie babbled, realised the entire class was staring, and smiled sheepishly. "Um … class dismissed?"

"Well, that was entertaining," sighed Oaknin, as the students filed out of the kitchen to the sounds of Hugo and the co-ordinators shouting at Rosie.

"Yeah, I'm just amazed nobody actually managed to really set themselves on fi-" Adrianna Stormfur started to say. She was interrupted by a loud scream.

"AAAAAHHH! MY HAIR! OMIGOD OMIGOD _I'M ON FIRE!"_

Kalez the rabbit dashed past, swatting wildly at her ears. Tiny ribbons of smoke rose from the tips.

"HELP MEEEE!"

"… I spoke too soon."

Kirin rushed forward, yelling "I _told_ you not to bend over the fire when you put it out!"

Thom and Suzi watched as Kalez's friends tried to help her put the fire out, and Thom smiled sadly.

"I know I shouldn't mock the misfortune of others, but I'll never forgive myself if I pass up this opportunity …"

He stood up straight, grinned broadly, held up a claw, and said in a particularly dreadful French accent; "Ah theenk ah smell somezeeng _burneeng,_ no?"

**Miss Minty: With apologies to Vincent Suzukawa for stealing the title of his webcomic for this chapter. Google it, it's very cool.**

**Sorry this chapter's late. We've both had a lot of RL stuff on the go which we don't want to go into here. Chapter updates will be slow from now on, but we like to think they're worth waiting for.**

**In case you haven't figured it out, Suzi is really,**_** really**_** naïve to assume that they wouldn't let the students use dangerous stuff. As for Bentin's behaviour, real shrews are so small and move so fast that they need to eat a small amount every hour or so, or they can starve to death. Bentin and the canon shrews don't have it quite so bad, but he still needs to snack on a very very regular basis, more so since he's still getting used to the rapid metabolism change.**

**What DO they use for egg substitute in a world where birds are sapient? My mother tells me that if you run out of eggs while baking brownies you can use a spoonful of vinegar instead – there, don't say you never learn anything from the OFUR, though I warn you that I've never actually had cause to try that – but that only works if there are already one or two real eggs in the mix. They have greensap milk, so maybe there's some sort of gooey high-cholestorol tuber in Mossflower which they can use. That or they have a really creepy arrangement with some birds. Whatever they use, it's pretty much a guarantee that Hon Rosie would forget to write it down on the board.**

**Muppet Treasure Island references are fun.**

**Apps are unfortunately still closed, but we'll try and get everyone featuring so we can open them again in a chapter or two.**

**Mister Kit: Okay, I knew I forgot to mention something to Blake. **

**As for the cooking class, I think that Rosie might have gotten lessons from OFUM's Gandalf at the least. Although, anyone who read Mariel of Redwall knows about her cooking, which it seems the students did not.**

**As for Abvorlanche, the vial on the chain is from a Terry Pratchett book about vampires.**

**And as Miss Minty said, applications are on hold, until we can get everyone done. If your character has not yet showed up, dropping us a line via email or on the LJ would be great.**


	7. Chapter 7: Staff Reports and Spelling

"Okay, you said you had the reports?" said Miss Minty to Basil Stag Hare.

The hare nodded. "Yes'm. We managed to get all of those … things that escaped from the kitchens after the, errr, accident."

The hare and Friar Hugo both shuddered, mentally reliving the incident.

"Are you sure you got them _all?"_ Miss Minty demanded. "I don't want to run across any more roving blobs of cake batter. I wouldn't mind letting the things loose on the students, but the risk of a staff member being hurt is too much. Besides, they're unpleasantly messy."

"Yes, I'm su-"

The door flew open as a panicking stoat stumbled into the room, screaming.

"Sir Miss help there's something in the airvents in the bathroom and it's dripping slime and it smells like burnt flour and it growled at me and I think it's watching meee!" Gruven wailed, hopping from footpaw to footpaw and wringing his claws.

"Oh. Oops, I suppose we missed one. Must go." Basil beat a hasty retreat from the staffroom, several hares following him.

"How the heck did they even _happen?"_ Mister Kit asked the room in general. "I swear yeast isn't supposed to be that lively."

"I think Veil must have sneaked into the Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, or maybe Hogwarts," Minty said. "Remind me to fit new locks on the portal room. Oh, and what's the casualty count for the morning?"

Kit groaned. "Just great. And we definitely will have to lock it." He reached into his pocket and removed a sheet of paper. "Got a bit of the report, Sister Viola said she would come in soon with the rest." He adjusted his glasses and peered at the names. "Let's see. Kalez has just been let out of the infirmary, she had to be treated for burns – we should tell the lagomorphs to tie their ears back in the cookery class in future. Hmm … Eryss Shadowclaw, SnuffSnuff, and Bentin Archer are all in the infirmary, and Eryss and Snuffie are sedated."

Tsarmina looked over at Kit, having overheard this information. "Shadowclaw? But I wanted to hurt her first!" Tsarmina said, sounding offended that Eryss had dared to bring harm to herself before she could. "She's even more of a disgrace to the species than my wretched brother!"

Kit shook his head. "Tsarmina, just because she's feline doesn't mean she's_ required_ to be finicky. Actually, that's why she's in the infirmary – she and Snuffie ate the stew this morning, it seems, and they and Bentin all tried Rosie's cooking."

Friar Hugo interrupted. "That wasn't cooking. That was Acts of Rosie." He shuddered. "No sane creature could describe what she did as 'cooking' … my poor kitchen, it'll never be the same."

"Let's see, Fallo Staggertail was injured by Princess Kurda. I think somebeast should tell him that most females don't respond well to pickup lines he heard from male high school classmates back home. I believe his exact words were 'shouldn't you have a paper bag over your head?'"

"What? Since when is that a pickup line?"

"Oh, the punchline is 'because your beauty is blinding everyone' or some such. Sadly Kurda didn't know that, and apparently she broke his nose before he finished his sentence. Not that I think finishing his sentence would have helped in this case, but there you go."

The door opened and Sister Viola bustled in.

"Sorry I'm late, but we had some issues."

The coordinators nodded, and Sister Viola began,

"Let's see, we had to treat a few vermin staff members for electrical burns, due to some incidents with some stolen property."

A weasel looked up from where he was examining a cell phone, "It's called _loot,_ not 'stolen property'. Important diff'rence, miss. 'Stolen property' jes' makes it sound prissy."

Sister Viola "hmph"ed, and continued.

"Marmalade needed to be treated for a concussion after he slammed a door and managed to knock some of the ceiling onto his head. Silvamord and Nagru have been patched up after their fight this morning – I do wish we could keep them separate."

Mr Kit whispered to Miss Minty. "Think we should tell them what restraining orders are?"

"Most definitely yes. Preferably as soon as possible."

"Two badger boys needed to be treated. It seems they got into a fight – and that reminds me, I would like to complain. I don't care if he _is_ a master thief and entitled to a little grey morality on occasion, Gonff setting up betting pools on who will win in fights between students is simply barbaric."

"I'll have a word with him. Anyone else?"

"No, I think that's all – oh, wait, there was that young fellow Maligant. I'm afraid he had a little run-in with Sagitar Sawfang, and he was kicked … well. You can guess. He may be in the hospital wing for a few days, I'm afraid."

"Oh my – how much damage did he take?" Kit asked Viola. "Must have been quite an impressive kick to do that much harm."

"Well, the kick wasn't all that hard, but … you see, he's a rat, sir."

"What's that got to do wi- _ohh._ Ouch." Kit flinched.

"Yes. We don't think he's suffered too much damage except to his ego, but we haven't been able to get him unfolded enough to check."

In the corner, Barranca the stoat pirate nudged his brother Conva.

"Over ten casualties on the first day, an' it's barely past noon. I win. Pay up!"

"No fair!" whined Conva. "It shouldn't count if only eight were students!"

* * *

Suzi fiddled with the bandages on her fingers and winced. As she and the rest of the students followed the old mouse down the corridor, she mused on the day's lessons and wondered how much worse it could get. 

The first half of the two-period "Abbey Life 101" lesson had consisted of learning to use a quill pen. It was a damn sight harder than it looked, and that part of the lesson ended with ink smeared everywhere. The second half had been worse, as that had involved learning to sew so they could adjust the clothes they'd brought from home to fit their animal forms better. Suzi had succeeded in doing nothing but effectively ruining one of her favourite skirts, and small amounts of blood had been added to the smears of ink as most of the students kept sticking their fingers with the needles. Given that the alternative was to wear an altered Abbey habit, modifying their own clothing was considered the better alternative by most of the students, but actually fixing them was a pain. Felana Tanzanite was sulking, as she had been forced to start adjusting her clothes in such a way that they would actually cover her up, and when a tiger-leopard is sulking, nobody in the vicinity is very happy.

Lunchtime had been slightly less of a fiasco, as they were now aware of what to watch out for. Snuffie, Eryss, and Bentin had been released from the infirmary. Amazingly enough, Suzi had seen Eryss happily digging into the stew again, and apparently trying to persuade Snuffie to join her. Snuffie had declined, but several students who had been sitting near her swore blind she'd looked tempted.

"Linguistics of Mossflower" that afternoon had started out well, but quickly devolved into a fiasco, as Suzi was beginning to suspect most lessons would. The teacher had tried to start a lesson on the various dialects of Mossflower, and Shven, the sable who had doused Aaron's overheated tail in the cookery class, had tried to ask a question. Unfortunately, Shven had put down a detailed description of his fursona's voice on his application form; "a soft Old English accent with a hint of northern" – and apparently the problems with appearances had been extended to his voice. What he had actually said had sounded like; "We dinnae ken, sair, why dost thou think 'tis so important for us to write oot the voices?" Half the class had burst out laughing, even some of those who had already spoken to him and known of his new dialect had smirked, and Shven had refused to speak for the rest of the day. Malkin Gray, the mute wildcat, had patted him on the shoulder and offered to lend him a pencil and notepad for communication. Felana had come out of her sulk long enough to ask why the French accent she had mentioned on her form hadn't come out that strong, and the Abbeymouse teacher had replied "Because most people think that young females using French accents sound good and are normally comprehensible, and where's the fun in that?"

Later, in the corridor, Suzi had run into Badrang and that fat stoat guy – what was his name? Oh yeah, Clogg – again. This time, Badrang was wearing a silky black cloak. Something about it – maybe it was the button at the neck, or something about the cut – reminded her very much of her best dress, which had gone missing from her wardrobe on the night the stoats had turned up. She couldn't be sure, and she hadn't dared say anything, but he had certainly looked smug when he glanced round and saw her. Brakken the fox, who had been walking beside her, had waved and called out a greeting. Badrang and Clogg had ceased their argument, turned slowly to face Brakken, and given her the most sinister glares Suzi had ever seen outside of a horror film. Brakken had scurried off around the corner very quickly. Suzi later overheard Ana Dogwood questioning Brakken as to what the stoats had against her. Brakken had grinned nervously and said "I … might have … once or twice … made … implications about them. I'm gonna get killed, aren't I?" She had then muttered something about how glad she was that she hadn't yet run into Gabool and Greypatch, and walked away, looking around worriedly with every step.

Suzi was brought back to the present by Bentin tugging on her arm. She'd been about to wander off down the wrong corridor away from the group, which is always a bad move in a building of improbability. She shook her head and concentrated on following the old Abbey mouse – Methuselah, she thought she'd heard someone call him – who had announced that he was taking them to pick up their first set of textbooks.

"You know, we were lucky enough to get just the thing we needed for the books," Methuselah said absentmindedly as he turned a corner and started to count the doors they passed.

Ferin the squirrel called out, "What do you mean? Didn't you already have places to put books in the Abbey?" Her pen was poised once again over her notebook. She had been writing in it constantly all day.

"We needed a decent place to store all the books you'll end up using in a proper system, and there wasn't room in the gatehouse anymore," Methuselah explained. "I'm afraid the Abbey has a regrettable tendency to lose track of its important books. You know how it is, you start with your bookshelf in perfect alphabetical order, then you pick up one of your favourites to look through or check a fact and forget where you put it down, and when that happens over and over again through a few decades you can imagine the mess."

Suzi, whose bookshelf had been a complete mess ever since she had learned to read, nodded and smiled as if she knew what the nice old mouse was talking about, as did several other students. Methuselah ignored them and continued counting doors.

"Six, seven … aha! Here we are. I can tell you, I've never been so grateful for a spelling error."

The students squinted, then several burst out giggling. The doors they had stopped at bore a large bronze plaque reading "READWALL."

Methuselah pressed a switch on the floor and the doors creaked open, revealing what looked like a wall of bookshelves, which was presumably the actual Readwall. As Suzi stepped through the doorway, she realised that the wall curved away from the door. A large sheet of paper pasted to the opposite wall just inside the door proved itself to be a map, showing a large round room with a spiral-shaped wall of bookshelves built in, turning it into a nautilus-shell-shaped corridor. The Readwall was made up entirely of bookshelves, built of reddish-coloured wood and marked into sections. The section immediately in front of the door contained several copies of each of the Redwall books, in various different sizes to suit each student species. Tiny mouse- and shrew-sized books lined the bottom shelf, copies intended for humans perched far out of Suzi's reach on the top shelves.

"Now, if you get lost, just make sure the books are on your left, and eventually you'll get back to the entrance that way …" Methuselah told the students. "Anyway, you all have your booklists for this week, I'm sure you've found things in libraries before, so I'll let you get on with it."

Kalez, the rabbit who had caught on fire that morning and still had singed ears, squealed and rushed towards the books. "Alright! I _love_ to read!" When Methuselah gave her a stern look she paused and looked back. "What? Yo' got a beef with me?" she said with a dreadful faked accent.

"I'm not quite certain what that means, but I sincerely doubt it," Methuselah said, and shrugged. "Go ahead, just remember to put things back where you found them. And I'd appreciate it if the larger students could be very careful not to drop the books! We don't want too many squashings, it ruins the books and it's not very nice for the victim."

Most of the class headed for the bookshelves. Ilexsco the vixen peered at the map.

"Hmm, poisons, poisons … where are they?" she murmured. A few of the nearby students overheard and turned round, giving her funny looks.

"Well, I have to look up what's in those little bottles I found in my luggage!" Ilexsco hissed, trying to make sure nobody else overheard. "I said I was interested in poisons on my form, but I wasn't expecting them to actually let me _have_ the things … ah, Poisons! … I should have guessed, it's right next to the cookbooks, of course."

Tipardity the badger girl sighed. "I am not eating anything you cook, then… And be careful, knowing the people who run this place those two sections might be reversed."

"Mmm," Suzi said noncommittally, moving slightly away from Ilex. "I'd guess that's why Maligant's dressed up like something from Pirates of the Caribbean as well. He can't possibly wear things like that back home, they must have sneaked them into his stuff …"

"Possibly the woodlanders' attempt to make up for the stuff the vermin stole from us?" Oaknin suggested, helping Marmalade put back the shelf he'd managed to dislodge onto his own head.

"They've been through your stuff too?" Suzi asked her. "I was pretty sure something like that had happened, most of my jewellery's missing."

"Could be worse," said Blake, lengthening his arm to reach the top shelf. "One guy had to go complain to Mister Kit 'cause some vermin got into his insulin."

Suzi looked at this week's page of her booklist. The first books on it were, as she supposed she should have guessed, all the Redwall books she hadn't read. Well, that wasn't so bad. Then she noticed the "Read By" column and glanced at the date. Assuming it was the date she thought it was … well, Badrang and Clogg had shown up in the middle of the night of August the thirty-first, so that would make it September the second now … she had _two weeks_ to read them all the way through?! That didn't seem so bad at first, but combined with the week she had to spend in detention and all the other homeworks they'd been given or threatened with … She blinked and shook the paper as if that would extend the deadline. Nope, she'd read it correctly. Well, that was going to be a pain.

Suddenly she was interrupted by a yell from Thom.

"_I HAVE TO READ SEVENTEEN FULL-LENGTH NOVELS IN TWO WEEKS?!"_

"Well, we might let you have three weeks if you struggle, but you do have to catch up soon. Don't blame me if you haven't opened the books in such a long time," Methuselah told him, apparently unfazed by the angry weasel. "When was the last time you read the first three books? When you were twelve, and if I remember correctly you're now nineteen? And you expect to remember every detail of them? See, that's how we end up with the Mini-Deepcoilers and other such things-"

"Don't remind me!" snapped Thom. "One 'such thing' giggles and makes catcalls in a ridiculous Irish accent every time she walks past me!"

Suddenly, there was a piercing shriek, a thump which sounded like a hardback book being dropped, and Sakura scurried round the corner, sobbing and holding out her hands … paws? Whichever. Several students looked at her and gasped. Methuselah turned wearily to reprimand her for the noise, and stopped when he realised the catgirl's hands and dress were smeared in a small amount of what was unmistakeably blood.

Later, in the hospital wing, Brother Hollyberry expressed amazement that Sakura had managed to give herself thirty-seven simultaneous and unusually deep papercuts.

"If I didn't know better, I'd swear she'd never held a book in her life," he said.

Analysis of Sakura's butchered Japanese wailing proved this to be wrong. She'd just never held any book larger than a Shonen Jump manga, and even those she read infrequently. Possibly a downside of doing most of her reading on the Internet.

* * *

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, as must all things which are alternately highly unpleasant and highly entertaining, and after the last lesson the students were forcibly reminded that every one of them had already been given detention. 

Suzi gulped as she and others were led down the stairs of the OFUR by several heavily armed vermin. Well, "escorted" would have been a better word. The vermin were all ominously cheerful. Suzi had the impression that detention here wasn't going to be like the traditional one from her own school, but surely there were laws about what could be done here, right? Surely the woodlanders would stop the vermin from trying anything too dangerous …

Sakura, fresh out of the hospital wing and with bandaged fingers, started complaining, her voice ringing in the students' ears. Fortunately, although painful, her voice lacked the damage potential of Rosie's. "It's NOT FAIR!!! YOURE SO MEEAAANN!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO GO TO THIS?! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRO-"

There was a loud zap, and she slumped forward. A cheer erupted from both students and staff.

The group finally finished walking down the flight of stairs and entered a hallway containing two open doors. An armed hare stood beside each door.

"Now, me lucky lot, cock up yer lugs an' listen!" snapped a rat with a taser-spear. "The detention rooms ain't big enough fer all o' ye to fit in one of 'em, so we 'ad ter separate yer. Felines go in the nearest door, the rest of yer go in that one over there. Understood?"

There was a murmur of slightly confused but fearful agreement.

Suddenly the staff members twitched their ears and turned around, and one or two groaned. One muttered something which sounded like "Oh no, not them again." The reason was shortly revealed when the two ragged-clothed, wild-eyed vixens who had caused the uproar at the "welcoming" talk swooped down the corridor, wailing and waving their paws dramatically.

"Beware!" one of them wailed. "Beware of the light which is and is not! Beware of the shade of witchcraft!"

"Someone's been reading H P Lovecraft," Thom whispered.

"Go away!" snapped a hare, waving his paws at the vixens as if shooing away a fly. "Go on, get lost! Go bother some other beast!" He leaned closer to them and hissed at them under his breath.

"Um, sir, did you just say 'You're spoiling the surprise'?" Suzi asked him. The hare jumped a foot in the air and spun round to face her.

"Why … no, no, I didn't," he said innocently. "What surprise could we possibly have for you?"

"I can hazard a guess at something unpleasant," muttered Sandflame. The staff members all feigned deafness.

The groups entered their respective rooms and sat down at the rows of desks. On each desk was a sheet of lined paper and a quill and inkwell. A hare with a sergeant's stripes on his sleeves closed the door behind Suzi's group and went to stand at the front of the room.

"Well, this wasn't a good start ter the year, was it?" he said to the assembled students, smiling as if reprimanding small children for a minor transgression. "So many hof yeh in detention already! Well, Mister Kit's decided to be lenient since it's so hearly in the year, so if you can finish the task ole Sergeant Sapwood – that's me – sets ye, you can leave hearly. Ain't that nice of 'im?"

A faint glimmer of hope spread through the class. Sapwood continued talking.

"Now hall ye've got to do, yer lucky lot, is a bit hof writin' practice. We wants you heach to write this …" he pointed to the line written at the top of the board; _"I must not assault staff members"._ "Except for you lot at the back, you write this," he waved at the back row, which included Thom, Greyscale, Korora, the two bandaged-up badger boys, Louis the snail, and Blake the shapeshifter, and then pointed back to the second line of writing on the board; _"I must not talk back to staff members"._

"Er, I_ didn't_ talk back to the staff, that was Bla-" Louis started to say. Sapwood glared and tapped the stick on the blackboard again.

"I suggest you learn to read, me lad."

Louis grumbled.

"Now, as Hi was sayin'," Sapwood continued, "all we wants ye to do is write hout yer respective lines ten perfect times. Make a misspellin' or smear the ink or hanythin' like that, an' ye 'as to write hanother line to make up for it. Once ye've managed ten perfectly-written lines, ye can leave. Otherwise, yer stays for the full two hours."

Suzi blinked. Only ten times? That was … ridiculously easy. Okay, the quillpens were hard to use, but she'd got a little more used to them over the "Abbey Life 101" lesson. She was reasonably confident she could finish the lines fairly quickly.

She dipped the pen in the inkwell, placed the nib on the paper and wrote the first "I".

Nothing came out.

Suzi tried again, and again nothing happened. Around them, the various students were shaking their quills, trying to make the ink come out. Suzi stole a quick look around, noticing that Thom was repeatedly dunking his quill, and the two badger boys were looking at the pens, then at the inkpots, then at each other. Marmalade had managed to break his quill when he rammed it too hard into the desk. Greyscale, Korora, and Tungsten Monk, on the other paw, were all grinning as if they knew something the rest of the class didn't.

"Hey, there's nothing in this inkwell!" Kirin the squirrel complained.

"Oh, there is, m'dear," Sapwood said, not unkindly. "Just be careful with it, it tends t get heverywhere, y'know."

"What d'you mean, this thing's empt_argh!"_ Alexander had picked up the inkwell, held it up to the light, and turned it upside down in an effort to see inside and confirm his suspicions. The class watched him as he squeezed his eyes shut, spat and and pawed frantically at his face. Suzi could swear she had seen nothing come out of the inkwell, but Alexander's fur was plastered to his face as if drenched in sticky ink. Stripey was sniggering loudly. Growling at the other badger boy, Alexander threw his empty inkpot at him, managing to knock over Stripey's own.

"Why you …"

It seemed that a death match was about to start, but before it could escalate two Mini-Deepcoilers dropped down on the badgers, and Sapwood grinned.

"Looks like we 'ave two volunteers for the kitchens tomorrow. Ole Gulo _will_ be pleased to 'ave some extra 'elp."

There were several gulps from those who had read the appropriate book and knew who Gulo was.

Suzi curiously dipped a claw into her inkwell. She still couldn't see anything, but it definitely felt wet, so there was certainly something in there. She sniffed the slicked-down fur on her claw. Yes, it smelled of ink, but what the hell _was_ it?

She sighed and got back to attempting to write. Only at an Official Fanfiction University would one be expected to use genuinely invisible ink. She hoped her writing was good, but since she couldn't see it she had no real clue. Maybe she would get lucky and the instructor wouldn't be able to see the lines either.

* * *

"Well, somebeast's looking pleased with themselves," Miss Minty commented as Mr Kit sat down beside her on their favourite couch, bearing two mugs of coffee and smirking broadly. 

Mr Kit nodded, the grin not leaving his face. "Yeah. The students are doing their detention at the moment. They are writing lines. Write ten perfect lines, and you get to leave early."

Miss Minty looked sceptical and put down the embroidery she was working on. "Are you really sure that's a very well-thought-out detention? They can't all be _that_ bad at handwriting, even with the quills."

Mr Kit grinned, and handed over a seemingly blank sheet of paper. "I think this should answer your question."

Miss Minty looked at it, and turned it over in her paws. "Invisible ink?"

Mr Kit shook his head and grinned evilly. "Nope, not quite. Try the the new filters on your glasses."

Minty flipped open a tiny panel on the frame of her glasses, picked her sewing needle back up, and used the needle to press one of the even tinier switches under the panel. She looked at the paper and grinned, as she could now read the words "Thank Mr Pratchett again".

"Oh yes, octarine ink! Very clever. But what about the felines? Cats can see octarine …"

A chorus of feline cries echoed up into the staff room, and Mr Kit chuckled.

"Oh yeah, they got Urple ink. Not as bad as octarine, but you try writing when looking at the ink is painful."

Minty smiled. "And now I remember why I like working with you so much, you sneaky old goat."

The co-ordinators smirked again and clacked their coffee-mugs together in a toast.

* * *

**[Mr. Kit: We had some issues with Hon Rosie's cooking, but it has been covered. And looks like the stew is causing some issues. Might have to talk to Gulo about the stew, but then again, given what's in it, it's only reasonable that the infirmary staff reacted like they did.**

**And looks like the vixens are at it again. Prophecy can be a real pain in the neck, even in the Mossflower universe where it can be true.**

**[Miss Minty: I'd say ESPECIALLY in a place where it can be true! Though the vixens have probably just been sneaking a look at Mister Kit's notes again. For those that don't know, octarine is the colour of magic from Pratchett's Discworld books. Only wizards, cats, and magical beings can see it, and wizards describe it as being "a sort of greenish-yellow purple". To non-wizards and non-felines, octarine things appear either black or invisible. Technically I suppose octarine ink **_**could**_** just be transparent rather than totally invisible, but it's never been shown to be so in the Discworld books, and besides this is an OFU and what are OFUs but excuses for creative licence?**

**The papercuts joke was nicked from an old Simpsons comic in which a similar thing happened to Ralph Wiggum. Cheating, but one cannot go wrong with The Simpsons. And if you don't get the rat thing, odds are you don't want to know. If you do, Google rat physiology and be prepared to be scarred.**

**Technically Shven's speaking Early Modern English, but since most people think of that as Old English and genuine "Old English" is impossible to type (google "Beowulf"), we're sticking to this, though we may discuss it in a Linguistics class later. As for Felana's voice, actually it just didn't occur to us to mess with their voices as well until now. Oops, minor oversight. But we like our explanation, and besides she actually _wanted_ her accent to be strong, so naturally we didn't let her. Speaking of which, I hope Sapwood's voice is okay, his is slightly different from the other hares and it's hard to make it look right.**

**We're sorry this chapter's taken so long, but Kit's had college and I've had A2-level preparation and the installation of a new pet ferret to worry about. Don't worry, chapters will keep coming till we're done, however slow it may be, and the end will not be for a long time yet. Keep watching!**

**Oh, and apps are open again! Though for now we'd prefer it if no more than one per person was sent in. If you've already sent one in, don't send another one just now. Sorry, it just gets hard for us to keep track.**


	8. Chapter 8: Dorm Room Discussions

It was evening of the first day of term at the OFUR, but the students still could not rest. There was homework to be finished, novels noted on booklists to be read or reread, maps to be reassembled and checked for errors, and conversation to be had. They'd been so busy all day there had been little chance to talk, and so they gathered around the tables in the dorm rooms, attempting to get their homework done before lights-out, and took the opportunity to get to know their room-mates better. After all, they were stuck with them for the next year, they might as well learn to cope with each other.

* * *

"So … you're a guy?" 

"Gee, whad tipped you off, Sherlock?" asked Fallo Staggertail, looking up from his homework and resisting the urge to touch his swollen nose. At least it had stopped bleeding.

"And … you write slashfic? With male characters?" Thom asked him, looking mildly uncomfortable.

"Well, I did once or dwice, and I read id somedimes. Why, d'you have a probleb wid id?"

"Not exactly, whatever floats your boat … but you like the ladies, right?"

"Hell yeah! Why?"

"And you don't see anything odd about this combination?"

"No, I don't t'ink so. Should I?" The shiny silver ferret looked genuinely confused.

Thom sighed. "Fallo, I've been in the online fandom for a couple of years, and you're about the first straight male I've met who writes guyslash. I just think it's a little weird."

Malkin Gray scribbled a note and pushed it across the table to Thom, who picked it up and read it aloud: "'Correction. The first straight male you've met who's admitted it.' Huh. Good point." Malkin nodded sagely and went back to his homework.

"Assuming of course that he isn't not admitting something else," said Maligant, smirking nastily. He had been in a bad mood ever since the muscle relaxants had worn off, not least because he was still in rather a lot of pain from Sagitar's kick, and was desperate to take it out on someone.

"Uh … did that sentence make sense? Easy on the double negatives there," Aaron Fuchs said, looking up.

"I mean, assuming he's telling the truth."

"Why'd I tell you I liked slashfic if I didn'?" Fallo asked him, looking even more confused.

"Maybe he thinks you're pretending so you look cool to the chicks?" Aaron suggested.

"Not about that! I mean …" Maligant sighed and rolled his eyes at Thom, who hid a grin behind his copy of _Mossflower._ A large dog, who had introduced himself as Andrew of Maddock, glanced over. Maligant shrugged, pointed to Fallo, and mouthed _Dumbass._

"Hey, Andrew, can I have a look at your homework?" asked Stripey Sordfang hopefully, leaning over the Alsatian's shoulder and distracting him from his attempts to decipher Maligant's sign-language.

"Oh, this?" Andrew gestured at his notebook. "This isn't homework, I finished all my homework an hour ago. This is an extra credit project."

"Huh?"

Andrew pointed to Shven the sable, who was bent over a book and breaking off randomly to mutter to himself. "Extra credit for Linguistics," he explained.

Stripey peered closer at the notebook and read; _"Hour 3; subject still ceasing work at increasingly frequent intervals to chant 'how now brown cow'. Appears increasingly frustrated each time, presumably upon realising accent still present."_

Shven groaned and rested his head on his book. "Ach. Why did ah have tae ask for this stupid voice?"

"C'mon, it could be worse," said Blake.

"Ah cannae see how tha thinkst it cuid be worse! Ah sound like ah'm on drugs."

"You didn't meet those two otters, did you?"

As Blake and Shven talked, Stripey sneaked up behind them (insofar as a badger can sneak) and tried to lean over Blake's shoulder to look at what he was writing.

Blake, unfortunately, noticed. Suddenly there was a large cobralike hood surrounding his back, with several spikes sprouting from it, blocking the view to his paper and making it hazardous to try to peer over.

"I might not have the dragon under control, but this is easier."

"Aw, c'mon, Blake!" Stripey said ingratiatingly. "I'm completely stuck on that thing about whatsitcalled!"

"We're still not letting you cheat."

Stripey stamped off to an empty table in a huff.

Malkin Gray followed him and passed him a note. Stripey read it, and looked confused.

"I have ink all over my shirt? I can't see anything." He looked down at himself, examining for ink, and saw nothing. Malkin, who, being feline, could see the octarine ink, pointed out the spots and splashes, leaving Stripey even more confused.

"What's up with you? Laryngitis?"

Malkin picked up his notepad again and scrawled _"I signed up as a mute. I don't remember why I thought that was a good idea now. Some sort of gimmick, I think."_

Malkin was, unfortunately, so busy doing this that he did not notice that Blake had extended one eyeball on a stalk and was carefully copying the wildcat's Linguistics essay from across the room.

* * *

Bentin's snacking was regular as clockwork. Louis the snail sighed as Bentin left him to go snack again. 

"Arrgh. Why couldn't I get a skeleton as well as hands?" he groaned, trying hard to keep hold of a pencil in his rather floppy and oozy fingers. "It was nice of him to help me, but all this snacking is driving me nuts. And right in the middle of my homework as well."

"Oh, c'mon," said Bentin, with his mouth full of food. "It doesn't take me that long, my stomach's only big enough to hold something like a couple of peas now, and my mouth's even smaller …"

"You're leaving yourself open to some really smart-aleck comments there," Korora pointed out.

Greyscale snickered. "Be glad you got some help at least. Although…"

Korora snickered as well, "It's an OFU here."

The two turned to each other, and grinned again.

Devin looked at them. "What's so funny? And those application people are nuts. I mean, I still don't know where I'm supposed to go to the-"

Marmalade groaned. "Please, Devin, be quiet. We don't need to hear about your gender confusion again."

"You sure he's the confused one, blossom-butt?" said Alexander nastily, pointing at Marmalade's pink flowery tail.

"Not funny, Bluey," Marmalade said grumpily. He turned back to his writing and swore as he snapped his third pencil. "I have_ got_ to get something done about this stupid super-strength! This never happened to Clark Kent! Ohh, I give _up!"_ He threw down the pencil, which stuck point-down in the floorboards, and stomped off into the showers.

"Poor kid," said a raccoon. "I guess it was his own fault, but …"

"Eh, he's dumb enough to put superstrength on the application form …" said Louis with a shrug. "What was your name again? I didn't catch it, sorry."

"Sandy C Aesevak. Nice to meet you."

"Hi. D'you mind me asking what the C stands for?" asked Bentin.

"'Someone who has a cool and interesting middle initial'?" Greyscale suggested innocently.

Loud splashing noises and cursing came from the showers.

"Marmalade, quit it! We can't study with you making all that noise in there," Sandy shouted.

The water stopped and moments later Marmalade reappeared, mostly dry except for the water dripping off his leaves.

"Sorry, had to water my tail."

"Huh. Now I know you're turning into a girl, you're wasting time in the bathroom!" Alexander quipped, and nudged Marmalade with his footpaw. Marmalade, unfortunately, reflexively took a wild swing at the badger boy, forgetting about his increased strength.

When Devin and Greyscale managed to haul him to the infirmary, Alexander had a lot of "fun" explaining that his ankle had been fractured by a punch from a squirrelboy who was barely one-quarter his height. Everyone was very, very careful around Marmalade for the next few days.

* * *

Cries of pain alternating with "Great, missed again!" and occasional yells of "Aha! Yes! Got it! That makes three!" had been coming from the bathroom for a while. The predator girls had decided to ignore it, not sure they wanted to know what Felana was doing. 

"Come on Snuffie, you know you'll like the food," Eryss said in wheedling tones to the wolf, who shook her head.

"I don't know. I don't want to repeat that experience. I didn't realise stomach pumps were that unpleasant …"

The Somali cat Fellina sniffed, turned up her nose at the two and "hmmph"ed. "You, Eryss, are a disgrace to the feline species. How you can eat that disgusting slop you call stew is beyond me."

Tungsten Monk grinned. "Hmmm, yer one to talk, kitty.Yer told me yer'd kill and eat yer own prey now, if you could …"

Fellina stuck out her tongue at TM as Brakken grinned.

"Seems like the kitty is annoyed at being reminded of her own nature, is she?"

Ana Dogwood stretched and wagged her tail, looked at her tailtip as if unsure what it was, then suddenly started running in circles, barking as she chased her tail. Several other girls stared. Sakura grabbed a pair of pillows and started to wave them like cheerleaders' pompoms, shouting "Catch the tail! Catch the tail! Yay super kawaii fun!" Nikki Zorra the vixen joined in the chant.

At that moment there was a cry of "YES! That's all of them!", the bathroom door opened and Felana sauntered in.

"What do you think?" she asked the room in general, smirking broadly. "It was tricky, but I think it was worth it, no?"

Various other girls looked around and screamed. Ana stopped stock-still, tail in her mouth. Snuffie leapt forward and clasped a paw over Sakura's eyes.

"For crying out loud, Tanzanite, put some clothes on!" snapped Brakken, covering her eyes. "Nobody wants to see your new self-inflicted piercings _that_ closely!"

"What? Do you have a problem? My body is a perfectly natural thing, there should be nothing wrong with seeing it," said Felana, striking a pose. Everyone winced.

"It _was_ perfectly natural until you did what you did to it!" Ana yelped, after spitting out her tail. "What's going to happen when you get back to the real world? Aren't you going to be stuck with a bunch of little holes on your ribcage?"

"What? _Nani?_ What? I wanna seeeeeeeeee!" wailed Sakura.

"Trust me, you don't," hissed Snuffie.

"Well, it's not like you can see too much under the fur anyway!" Felana insisted.

"Clothes. Now. Or I report you to Miss Minty," Ilexsco said sternly. "No, better still, I'll report you and _then_ I'll dig a random object out of your stuff, find a really nasty skin-contact poison, smear said object with it, put it _back_ in your stuff, and not tell you which object it was!"

"You'd dare to go digging through her stuff?!" Fellina Perrfelis asked. "Who knows what's in there?" She glared at Felana. The two had come into conflict rather quickly as several of the staff members had mixed their names up, which was particularly annoying for Fellina because Felana was everything she did not want to be associated with.

"Oh, all right," Felana said sulkily, pulling the blanket off her bed and draping it around herself like a toga. "Honestly, Ilex dah-ling, you're no fun at all. It's bad enough that I'm forbidden to smoke in here without being surrounded by a lot of uptight-"

"So! What about that homework?" Nikki said hurriedly.

Sakura struggled free of Snuffie's grip, bounced over to the pile of books beside her bed, and picked up _Redwall_, being careful with her bandaged fingers.

"Ohhh, this is rike- I mean _like!_ It's_ like_ sooooo warui! I gotta read all these and they're full of big words and … Did you guys know these dumb books came out _before_ the anime?"

Every other girl in the room burst out laughing.

"I wasn't aware cheap Canadian cartoons were 'anime' now," Ilex commented.

"Now you're being MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEANNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!" Sakura started wailing, causing the nearest girls to cover their ears. Tungsten Monk looked over at Sakura thoughtfully.

"Huh, wonner if I should jusss' ssstrangle the bloomin' brat …"

Snuffie shook her head. "I don't think it would work, it might just make the screams worse."

TM looked offended. "Aww, I jusss' wanted ter sssqueeze 'er out cold, not kill 'er."

"I don't think you're a constrictor species," Ana said.

"If I don' try, I'll never find aht."

"I can't help but notice your accent has changed rather dramatically," said Nikki curiously.

"I likesss tessstin' out new ones!" said TM, grinning. "Ssspeakin' cockney is fun. Betcher I get the 'ighessst grade in Linguisssticsss thisss year!"

"Maybe if you eassse – er, ease up on the lisp."

* * *

Suzi looked over what she'd done of her homework so far (a depressingly small amount), then glanced at Maisie Ann, who was currently drawing hearts on her schedule around Evil 101. 

"I'm sure it's unhealthy to be so fascinated by evil," she said to the ratgirl.

"Huh. Cluny's the guest teacher for Evil 101 this week!" Maisie Ann squealed gleefully. "I can't wait!"

"Me neither," said the mousegirl in the bed across the room from Suzi's. "I'm sure I can lure him away from being all evil and icky!"

"Aw, Fernflower, why the hell would you _want_ to?" asked Maisie Ann. "He's more fun that way! Nice guys are so _boring!_ Besides, I call dibs on him, and what would he think is so interesting about you? Some little mousechick with a stupid name?"

"You take that back! I called dibs first!" yelled Fernflower, standing up and waving her paws at the rat. "And what's so great about a_ rat_ who looks like Velma Dinkley except fatter?"

With that, it escalated into a catfight – or rather, rodentfight. Adrianna Stormfur and Tipardity attempted to pull the battling fangirls apart, a task made more difficult by the fact that Maisie Ann had wound her tail around Fernflower's neck and pulled it tight while screaming "What's so great about me? Maybe the fact that I can do _this,_ bitch!"

"Stop it! Stop it!" shouted Tipardity, holding the rat up by the tail and shaking her until she dropped her glasses. "Do you want more detention or what?"

The door opened and Constance entered, talking to a red squirrel student.

"Kithkin, you really ought to be careful not to get lost. If you need help with the maps, just ask the staff – though I recommend you ask a woodlander, not a vermin. They have a tendency to deliberately rearrange them." Constance looked sternly at the two Cluny fangirls, who both tried to look innocent despite Fernflower's rapidly swelling eye and the scratches on Maisie Ann's face.

Kithkin shrugged and smiled as Constance left. She went to put her bag down, then noticed Abvorlanche, who was taking her cloak off now she was in the relatively safe light levels of the dorm. Kithkin grinned, rummaged in her trunk, produced a torch, aimed it at Abvorlanche, and suddenly turned it on.

The effects were instantaneous. Abvorlanche burst into ash. The necklace with the little glass bottle smashed into the ground, causing the bottle to break and release a drop of red fluid onto the ashes. Abvorlanche promptly re-formed, looking thoroughly annoyed.

"Don't ever do that again!" she snapped, grabbing Kithkin by the collar. She was fortunately interrupted before her fist made contact with Kithkin's face, as the door opened again, revealing another, rather battered-looking, squirrel.

"So, how's everybody? And will you believe that those stinkin' vermin have set out booby traps near the staff hallway?"

Ferin gulped as everyone stared at her, or more specifically stared at all her bandages.

"Hey, it wasn't my fault. I got shoved aside by some foxes, or was the first one a wolf, it was hard to tell …"

A few girls sniggered, as Ferin continued, "I mean, the second one had a two by four. Diving out of the way seemed the best idea at the time…."

Sandflame Montmorency limped in, looking dazed, bruises apparent on her face, and she started to totter over to her bed. Oaknin hurried over to help her.

"Sandy, what happened?"

Sandy scowled. "Apparently after Bucko Bigbones went through that business with Dotti he decided it wasn't fair to not hit girls in situations where he would hit boys."

"He hit you?" Oaknin gasped.

"No, his bloody Minis did. But he was sniggering." Sandy groaned. "All I said was-"

"Please tell me you didn't ask him if it's true about what they wear under the kilts," Suzi said.

"I'll have you know I wasn't even thinking about that until you said it, you disgusting little creature!"

"I bet you're thinking about it now, though!" Maisie Ann said in a sing-song voice. Sandflame glared at her.

Suzi grinned. "Hey, Sandy, we're teenagers. We're _supposed_ to have filthy minds. It's practically the law."

"I was actually_ trying_ to ask him if I could have extra combat lessons with him. He said 'yes, let's start right now', and then set the Minis on me."

"I thought he was supposed to be a good guy!" Suzi said. "Or am I thinking of someone else? I don't think I've got to that book yet."

"I don't think good and bad really have any meaning among the staff here anymore," Oaknin said. "They tend to blur together into 'hates the students'." The girls turned back to their work.

"Hey, can I borrow a pencil sharpener from someone?" asked a robin. "I keep breaking my pencil, it's hard to hold it right when you have to use your feet, and I need one of a size I can use."

"Sure, take mine," said Fernflower, rubbing her bruised throat and coughing a little as she threw her pencil sharpener to the robin. It fell short. "Oh darn. Kalez, can you pass that to her?"

"Okay, here ya go, Hook," said the rabbit with a grin, passing the sharpener.

"Hey, stop calling me that!" snapped the robin, ruffling her feathers irritably. "That wasn't funny the first time, either!"

"Why is she calling you Hook?" Suzi asked.

"Misplaced sense of humour. My name is Crystal Phonix."

Suzi burst out giggling and tried to hide it when she saw Crystal's expression. "Oh, I get it! As in 'hooked on' …"

"No it's _not!"_

There was a squawk. The girls turned to see Twiggy Papaya backing away from the window, muttering, "The Minis. The Minis. They're everywhere."

"What? Where?"

"The pond's full of them! And there's something else in there, the weeds are wriggling like crazy!"

"How can you tell? It's dusk outside and the pond's miles away from the window," asked calenlily the squirrel (who had specified that her name was not to be capitalised for some reason).

"I don't know! I'm a bird, maybe my eyesight's better than usual?"

"Why are you even in here?" Suzi asked. "Aren't you a bird of prey?"

"I'm an osprey, spooky. We only eat fish."

"Oh, you're calling me 'spooky' when we're in a dormitory with a vampire squirrel?" Suzi grinned, actually feeling slightly flattered. She'd thought the fact that she'd been seen in public in a Hello Kitty nightdress had killed her "cool" image. Better keep using the black eyeliner, even if it did leave her facial fur unpleasantly sticky and matted. "What's an osprey?"

"I am!" Twiggy said, flapping her wings a little. "Fish eagle. Ospreys don't usually hunt land critters, and the one who's shown up in the books was a good guy, so I ended up in Prey even though not many things eat ospreys either."

"I really wish they wouldn't call it Predator and Prey. It's creepy," said Adrianna Stormfur.

"Don't be silly, it's not like they're actually going to expect us to start eating each other!" Sandflame said. "Hey, what's Kirin up to?"

"Zeph? Zeph! You've been in the shower for two hours now!" Kirin was shouting into the bathroom from the doorway.

"I know!" came a yell from the bathroom.

"Zeph, I know you're unhappy about your new … status, but it's not going to _wash_ off!"

"I know! I got slimed by a Mini-Deepcoiler, I'm trying to get the smell of fish out of my fur!"

"Should it really take that long to do that?"

"It's an otter thing," Adrianna explained. "We like water."

"Abvorlanche has been in here even longer!" Zeph called back defensively.

"Heeeeelp …" came a soft whimper from Abvorlanche. Several girls got up and went to look. The door of the cubicle Abvorlanche was in was still closed.

"Are you okay in there? Did you slip on the soap or something?" Suzi called, worried – the resident Dark Squirrel had sounded genuinely frightened. She had a horrible thought. "Are you cutting yourself? You'd better not have been cutting yourself in there! … _Can_ vampires cut themselves anyway?"

"I'm trapped!" wailed the squirrel. "I'm a vampire, I can't cross running water! And the knob got stuck so I can't turn it off!"

"Can you reach the door?" asked Tiraamilaen.

"I think so … wait a second." The cubicle door creaked open, revealing Abvorlanche, trapped under the water spray and reaching awkwardly to get to the lock. "I turned on the water after I got in and didn't realise there was anything wrong until I tried to come out and it burned me! I can just about reach through, but I can't step out!"

Tipardity sighed, rolled up her sleeves, reached in and hauled Abvorlanche out. The squirrel screamed in pain.

"Wow, I guess you really do all the vampire stuff …" said Tiraamilaen, passing her a towel and turning off the shower.

"No, I don't. I can't shapeshift, I can't fly, they won't let me suck fresh blood … it sucks. No pun intended. I didn't even really ask to be a vampire in the first place, they just messed with the application. And now I find I can't even get out of the shower!"

Suzi sighed. "Reminds me, I gotta take a shower myself. I need to try and wash this stupid fur-stripe out again, and my writing arm hurts like hell."

She picked up her shampoo and towel, and headed for the nearest mouse-sized cubicle. The spray of hot water soothed the muscle aches in her arm and shoulder, and she started to feel much better even though the black stripe in her fur appeared to be there to stay despite her best efforts with the soap. As so many people do when feeling the effects of a good shower, she started to sing, ignoring the yells from the other girls begging her to shut up. Hey, not her fault they didn't appreciate her talent, and how could anyone _not _like this song? It was some of Evanescence's best work!

"… hey, wait, I got a new complaint, forever- huh?"

Something sticky soaked through her fur and splattered on her tail. She glanced down, and saw the colour of the liquid swirling around her footpaws into the drain. She screamed, slammed open the cubicle door and ran back into the dorm, leaving a trail of sticky brightly-coloured pawprints. The other girls looked at her and saw what was dripping from her fur.

"_Ewwwww!_ Keep away, I don't want it on me!" wailed Tiraamilaen.

Some of the girls threw their towels. "Clean yourself _up,_ you're dripping on the floor!" yelled Maisie Ann.

"Hey, leave her alone!" snapped Oaknin, and Sandflame tried to pull the towels away from the girls who were throwing them, but they were ignored. Other girls simply stood still, looking shocked.

And so, when Constance stormed into the room to find out what all the shouting was about, she found several girls looking guilty, others looking angry, the rest looking horrified, and Suzi standing in the middle of the room in a pile of towels and tissues and toilet paper, clutching a towel around herself, sobbing quietly, and dripping vivid Urple ink.

Constance sighed. "Oh dear, some vermin got into the water tanks again … I have _got_ to remind Mr Kit to put locks on the water tanks and the store cupboards."

* * *

**[Miss Minty: Hi! Hope you thought this chapter was worth waiting for.**

**I must point out that the characters' opinions do not necessarily reflect ours, nor does what the characters do reflect what we think of the actual people. Though the boys are right on one point; straight guys writing slashfic **_**is**_** pretty uncommon, though this may just mean there are a few who don't want to admit that they do … But then guys in fandom full stop are pretty uncommon in most fandoms. For some reason Redwall seems to have a much higher proportion of male fans than most do. Wonder why.**

**Apologies for the poorly-written accents, particularly TM's cockney impression. We may be forcing the students to imitate various canonical accents in later lessons, so there'll be more later. Also apologies for the cheap piercing joke. I couldn't resist, but we will not be using that sort of thing in future … much. Points to anyone who recognises the source of Twiggy's "living pondweed". Clue: it's not Redwall, but it's by the same author. And yes, Suzi's humiliation was a **_**Carrie **_**reference. Love that book, mostly because it shows me exactly how much worse my own school days could have been. And in case you're wondering, she doesn't know that "Heart-Shaped Box" was originally performed by Nirvana.**

**The OFUR is sadly going to be neglected for a while, as I am coming up to some Very Important Exams soon and the OFUR does not outrank my chances at getting into a good college in the real world, even though the OFUR would doubtless be more fun to attend as real colleges do not have furries and lake monsters. We update so impossibly slowly anyway that you probably won't notice, but just so you don't worry. There will still be a Christmas Special, though it may end up arriving closer to New Year depending on other commitments.**

**[Mister Kit: As Miss Minty said, we are just doing our jobs of humiliating the students. No malice is intended to the people who suggested the students, only the students themselves. **

**As for locking the cabinets, I do, but the darn vermin always get around it. The last time they removed the whole door. I keep meaning to get a safe, but I keep on forgetting.**


	9. Chapter 9: Here Be Monsters

_NOTES: We feel we should give fair warning that some parts of the humour in this chapter are even more tasteless than usual and somewhat morbid to boot. Not enough to up the rating in our opinion, but enough to warrant us pointing it out just in case. We both think it's funny, but your mileage may vary. Will not use this type of thing too much, don't worry._

* * *

A fox and a hare paced down the corridors of the OFUR, both looking distinctly ruffled, the hare tapping a clipboard and talking animatedly.

"Look, we didn't _know_ she had that condition before we brought her in, sir! I don't know how to cope with it, there's never been a case of a hare doing that!"

"I know, I know – oh, hello, Minty," Mister Kit looked away from Memm Flackery as Miss Minty walked up.

"What's going on?"

"That ratgirl with the glasses is in the hospital wing. Apparently we forgot to check and she didn't admit on her form that she had a … certain medical condition, and she didn't know that rats have no gag reflex. She overindulged at breakfast, and Sandflame Montmorency found her sitting on the floor in the girls' toilets, poking her claws down her throat and wailing about how it 'wasn't working'."

"My goodness." For once in her life, Minty looked mildly ill. "I'll talk to her later. In the meantime, make sure she sits near the hares next mealtime."

"Are you sure that's wise?"

"Well, it should help her feel better about her own eating habits, and if nothing else she won't be able to get her paws on enough food to count as a binge … Oh, excuse me." Minty reached into her skirt pocket and withdrew a sleek silver mobile phone. She held it up to her ear. "Miss Araminta speaking, how may I-"

She jerked the phone away from her ear and cringed as a torrent of sound poured out. Kit managed to pick out some words among the angry yells from the other end of the line; "Overdramatic nonsense … Blatant theft of my rightful glory … Bloody _tentacles_ …" The shouting descended into a string of obscenities in Dutch.

Miss Minty turned to look at Kit. He saw she was wearing that expression which clearly read "Someone is going to be suffering a lot in a very short time."

"Okay, what complete idiot thought it was a good idea to let Captain Vanderdecken see _Dead Man's Chest,_ of all things?"

"Oh my. Hard to find out, I'm afraid. We have such a wide selection of idiots to choose from. I thought Pirates of the Caribbean was on the banned list for staff-safe movies? I forget, the list's so long by now."

"It is, but you know what they're like. Probably found it in a student's house." Minty shrugged. "Could be worse, remember the time Captain Plugg found _Psycho_? Kurda wouldn't bathe without someone standing guard at the door for weeks …"

"Miss Minty? Please can you tell the vermin staff to leave Abvorlanche's hood alone? Or can you get that sun-shield thingy I heard about for her?" Sister Armel asked, scurrying up to the co-ordinators and tapping her clipboard.

"Ahhh, you have the daily report again?" Kit asked, turning to the squirrel.

"Um, yes. Abvorlanche has been in the hospital wing for refills on her resurrection bottle four times this morning, sir and ma'am. Creatures keep pulling her hood off to watch her dissolve, I heard Stripey Sordfang saying it was 'better than fireworks'. I think we need a more permanent solution."

"Good point," Minty mused, tapping her switch on the floor.

"What, should we install blood in the sprinkler system or something?" Kit suggested half-seriously.

"Not a bad idea … sorry, Armel, go on."

"There have been more signs of pressure on the fabric of canon, some of the staff are getting twitchy and the Normalcy Meter's going crazy. We're not sure what's causing it, but it has to be big and we're pretty sure it's not being caused by anything done by any of the students."

"Uh-oh." Kit looked at Minty. "Looks like we're heading for another major break in the space-time continuum."

"We're an OFU, something horrible happens_ every_ year and we've survived them all so far," Minty sighed. "Much earlier in the year than usual, though. Don't worry, we'll be prepared for whatever it is."

"That's great, ma'am. Oh, and we've had reports that that troll is back."

"Oh my. I'm getting quite tired of this fellow." Minty took the report and scanned it. "What I really don't understand is that he apparently spends hours upon hours typing out the same four words over and over and sending them to everyone he can find, and yet he apparently thinks _we're_ the ones wasting our time."

Kit shrugged. "Wouldn't mind so much if he came up with some more creative insults."

"Indeed. 'Yiff in hell', eh? Well, if that is what he wants, that is what he shall get. What's that nice fellow Mr Hopkins' number again?"

"Minty, my dear, remember we had that conversation about things that are too horrible to inflict on real people?"

"I don't count idiot spammers as 'people'." Minty sighed. "Oh, come on, I just want to frighten the moron, I won't let any physical harm come to him. Lord knows I'm not a barbarian."

"Hey!" snarled a passing ferret.

"No offense meant, Raventail."

"I think that's it for the reports … oh, I think Cap'n Redjack Teal's up to something, I saw him heading to the portal room with a smug expression and a portable DVD player."

* * *

"You know what really sucks?" said Blake Lither, pulling the regulation OFUR Phys Ed T-shirt over his head.

"No," said a mouse, idly flexing his muscles. "Maybe the fact that we have to wear shorts and T-shirts for _swimming?_ Sheesh."

"It really sucks that now I'm a shapeshifter, but I'm in a place with no bars or clubs, and no cars."

This sentence made the mouse blink and look up. "What? Why?"

"Well, duh, Brandy-"

"_Brawndowmere,"_ the mouse corrected him.

"Whatever. If there was any place it would be useful, I could have, uh, _borrowed_ someone else's ID or driver's licence and made myself look like the picture. Simple."

"Oh, that! Yeah. Well, you can still sneak into the girls' changing rooms."

"I'm not going in there!" Blake said. "The really big predators are mostly girls, I'm not risking my neck like that!" The shapeshifter took a step back. Brawndowmere scurried to get out of the way.

"Whoa! Hey, watch where you step!" he snapped. "You know what_ really_ sucks, it's trying to hold a conversation with someone fifteen times your height!"

"Welcome to my world," muttered Louis, oozing down the wall. "I am _so_ glad they don't expect me to swim now."

"Oh, sorry. Wait a second, I think I can …" Blake closed his eyes and started to shrink.

The first problem became obvious very quickly, as Blake's clothes failed to shrink along with him. He soon became invisible in the heap of garments. The second problem made itself clear just as Brawndowmere opened his mouth to make a "witty" remark about how he wished it was some cute girl shrinking out of her clothing; there was a loud snap, a scream from Blake, and the floorboard he was standing on gave way. There was a thump from below.

The boys looked into the gap to see the pile of clothes with a mouse-sized Blake-shaped lump in the middle lying in a crater in the floor of the cellar, with a very confused Ambrose Spike staring at it.

"Little help?" came a muffled voice.

"Wow. How are you not dead?" asked a mink, leaning over the hole in the floor.

"You know what they say, Whisper," said Korora. "The smaller they are, the lighter they fall."

"Doesn't … feel … very … freakin' … light!" Blake whimpered. "I think I've broken something!"

"Oh my, he's discovered the little loophole already?"

"Gah! Sir, please don't do that, it's really freaky!" Whisper yelped as Mister Kit smooled up from nowhere in his usual manner. To quote the novelist Garry Kilworth, "to smool" is not a real word but describes the action perfectly.

"What? Why not? I am a fox after all …" Mr. Kit grinned. "I wondered when he would attempt that little trick."

Ambrose Spike, meanwhile, was arranging Blake's clothes on the floor. "Alright, boyo, I think you can grow back now," he said to the small lump inside the T-shirt. Blake slowly expanded, neatly filling out his clothing again.

"What the hell just happened?" he yelled up at Mister Kit, who grinned again.

"My dear naïve boy, you filled out the application form calling yourself a _'shape_shifter'. At no point did you specify that you could also change _mass." _Mister Kit smiled innocently and turned to face the rest of the male students. "Simple physics, boys. Compress the mass of, say, a one-hundred-something-pound teenager into the volume of a six-ounce mouse-sized being, thus putting all that weight on his feet which now have a very small surface area, then apply that force in that area on the middle of a wooden floorboard, and …" He gestured at the hole. "There you go. I don't recommend that you try that again. Someone drag him up to the infirmary, please."

Korora and Greyscale sniggered.

"I wonder what would happen if he did sneak into the girls' rooms?"

Whisper shuddered. "Felana might catch him …" All nearby shuddered.

"Of course now you've guaranteed that _one_ of us is going to try it," Thom pointed out.

"No way, I wanna break into the staffroom! Much more interesting …"

* * *

"I really don't wanna do this," Suzi moaned as the class trooped down to the Abbey pond.

"What? You're afraid of water?" Oaknin asked.

"No! No, of course I'm not …" Suzi muttered, grinning nervously. Technically it was true, she was a fairly good swimmer and wasn't bothered at all by water, but for most of her life she'd had a phobic dislike of fish. She had no idea why, but even at the age of sixteen she had nightmares after watching _Finding Nemo._ She'd never told even her closest friends about it, and had been able to hide it fairly well up until now. She thought desperately for some way to avoid having to expose her phobia to a bunch of near-strangers.

"Um. Sir?" She waved a paw and scampered to keep up with the otter teacher. "Sir, I don't think I can swim today. I've got, uh, you know. Girl problems." She grinned in false embarrassment. Well, that invariably worked back home if she didn't feel like prancing about with a hockey stick that day.

Sadly, it didn't work here. The otter, one or other of the Skippers, looked confused.

"Whaddya mean 'girl problems'?"

"You know," Suzi said, feeling the first hint of genuine embarrassment. "That time of the month?"

"The beginning? Aw, don't tell me we got a weremouse to go wid the vampire squirrel."

"No! Um …"

Suzi eventually managed to explain what she meant, to no avail. Skipper grinned broadly.

"Nice try, missie, but please remember we ain't humans, we could smell if you was … well, doin' somethin' like that." He twitched his whiskers and tapped his nosetip. "Never underestimate a beast's sense o' smell, it'll cost ye dear. And ye _still_ has ter come swimmin', young lady."

Suzi noticed Tiraamilaen punching the air in that little gesture which means "well, dammit" and muttering something about "Great, she had to spoil my excuse."

Another student in PE kit suddenly dashed up, panting, and waved at the otter.

"Suh-sorry I – phew – I'm late, sir."

"Now, Miz Snowspine, this just ain't givin' a good impression," Skipper said reproachfully. "I 'ear you've been late to yer mornin' classes all this week."

"Well, I'm sorry, sir," protested the unfortunate Snowspine, "but it's _really hard_ to get changed quickly when you're a hedgehog!"

At the back of the group, Felana Tanzanite was dragging her footpaws and looking very nervous.

"Are you okay?" Ana Dogwood asked the twitching feline.

"I don't know," Felana replied, twiddling her claws. "I just feel very, very … conflicted."

"What? Why?"

"The swimming. I'm a hybrid," Felana explained shortly. "Tigers like water. Leopards don't."

"Um, am I allowed to swim?" Bentin Archer asked, running to catch up with Skipper. "Shrew dietary requirements, it's less than an hour since I ate."

"Sorry, boyo, no excuses. Shrew metabo-ma-whatsit works both ways, ye can swim any time."

"Speaking of excuses, why did you actively ban us from wearing bathing suits?" asked a human girl. Her twin sister nodded and looked curiously at Skipper.

"Sorry, Miss … Nat-az-jar …" the otter stumbled over the pronunciation.

"I'm _Sally!"_ the girl Skipper had spoken to pointed out.

"And my name is pronounced _Natasja,"_ the other added.

"Ah, sorry. But it's school regulations. Don't want to break them, now do ye?"

The students frantically shook their heads, but several still looked quizzical.

Skipper sighed. "Okay, it's because … Number one, bathin' suits ain't been invented yet in Mossflower an' we mostly swim in our clothes. Number two, skintight clothin' is really, really uncomfortable over a pelt."

Felana nodded in agreement.

"Number three, most of ye didn't bring yer swimmin' things an' it's not fair if some of yer are wearin' 'em an' some aren't, 'cos we don't 'ave none fer yer to borrow 'ere. Number four, ye need practice swimmin' in clothes in case ye falls overboard on the boatin' trips later this year, an' we figgered this is a decent start. Number five, after the … incident at the introduction talk none of us really wanted to end up widout most of _our_ clothes in front o' you lot an' give ye an excuse to set off again, an' it's only fair that you all cover up a bit as well. Number six, trust me when I says that this water is _not_ gonna be very warm fer more'n a couple inches down, and ye need somethin' slightly thicker than wotever the 'eck it is bathin' suits are usually made of. Won't be too bad 'cos summer's barely over an' most of ye got fur, but water outside is usually pretty cold if y'ain't used to it. Ye'll prob'ly be swimmin' fully dressed by October."

"Errr, do I have to swim?" someone asked from the back. "I hope that the water isn't too cold … I have some issues …"

Suzi looked, and practically jumped out of her skin. The speaker was a dragon, as tall as Felana, with condensation dripping off his scales and a worried look on his face.

"Um, is that Blake kidding around again or is that really a dragon?" she whispered to Thom.

"No, he's definitely a dragon. His name's Drake, he had to be portalled ahead into the infirmary when he arrived because he got overexcited and nearly imploded, he was there for the first couple of days and I guess he hasn't been in any of your classes till now."

"Imploded?"

"Opposite to explode. Apparently he's an 'ice dragon' so he doesn't work the same way as the fire-breathing ones would."

"Huh? How does something un-explode-"

"Exploding _inwards_, kiddo," Thom interrupted. "I gotta find you a dictionary."

The class rounded the corner of the building and saw the Abbey pond. As ponds go, it was pretty enormous – or that may have just been Suzi's mouse-sized perspective, though she had heard the otters saying the pond had been dug much bigger for the "new arrivals", which she assumed meant the students, the Minis, and the fact that the otters from every book would now be using it at once. Pretty, though. The water was clear and sparkling in the early-autumn sun, and several otters and Mini-Deepcoilers were splashing about in it. The otters waved and whooped as the group approached, diving and splashing and generally looking as if they were having the time of their lives. _Lucky them,_ Suzi thought bitterly. _I'm going to hate this._

As soon as they spotted the water, Andrew and Ana hurled themselves forward, barking at the tops of their voices, and leapt in as far as they could, soaking everyone nearby. Snuffie followed them with a howl and an even louder splash. Seconds later, the three stood up, shook themselves – thus making everyone even more wet – and looked at each other in confusion. The otters and some of the class sniggered. Skipper paddled up to them, laughing.

"Ha! Can't resist the ole doggy instincts, can ye?" He splashed water at them. "Ever kept a pet dog? Can't make 'em take a bath at gunpoint, but they'll 'op into the water outside easy 'nough. Though I'm 'opin' yew two kept yer 'uman sensibilities 'bout hygiene." Ana looked affronted.

"What about me?" Snuffie asked, shaking again.

"Well, marm, as that author bloke the Miss an' Mister like said, 'anyfin' that's 'twixt a human an' a wolf 'as a bit o' dog in it'."

The class all laughed as the canines and lupine waded back to the edge of the pond. Suzi wiped water from her facial fur. Wait, was that a little kid laughing? Too loud to be one of the Dibbuns, it sounded like … She looked to the side. A tiny freckle-faced human girl was sitting on the pond bank with a plump male mallard duck in her arms. The girl looked down and smiled.

"Aw, hi there!" she said cheerfully, in a broad Irish accent.

"Hi. Um, aren't you a little young to be a student here?" Suzi asked, wondering what the hell this kid's parents were doing letting her on the Internet unsupervised.

"Sure I ain't one of you big sillies!" said the little girl, sounding affronted.

"'Big'? Oh, that's rich!" Suzi waved her paws, attempting to communicate that she was now three inches tall. The kid ignored her.

"Me name's Bridgey McConville, I live 'ere. An' this is Mister Rafferty." She held out the duck.

"Is he a student?" Suzi asked, nonplussed.

"Nah! He's just a duck. Well, a drake. Lookie here." Bridgey reached in the pocket of her much-patched skirt and produced a small slim book. Suzi read the cover.

"'Seven Strange and Ghostly Tales'? Huh, I've not read this one. Didn't know Mr Jacques wrote anything with people in it."

"Oh, sure he do! There's me, an' Henry Mawdsley an' Allie Budleigh an' Gilly Bodkin … an' there's the ould Grimblett, o' course, that's me friend. I'm 'ere to make sure you lot don't cause him any damage while you're splashin' about in there."

By this time several other students were listening in. They all stopped dead when they heard this. Some looked puzzled, others looked as if they were thinking "oh cruel fate, why are they inflicting _that_ on us?"

"W-what's a Grimblett?"

"Oh, ye must meet him. Say hello, ole feller!"

A thick slimy branch of pondweed rose slowly from the surface and waved at them. Some of the students shrieked and leapt away from the water. Others laughed and waved back, or merely looked disgusted.

"Wait, there's a _tentacle monster_ in there?" Felana leaned over and squinted into the water.

"More like frond monster, it's made o' pondweed," Skipper corrected her.

Felana shrugged and muttered "Eh, close enough." She then sprang up, dashed into the shallows, clasped her paws in front of her chest, and said loudly in a nauseatingly cutesy and highly out-of-character tone; "I'm a pwetty widdle schoolgirl and I weally hope dere isn't a big nasty monster in here!"

The other students all shuddered violently in unison. Thom muttered "That will be featuring in my nightmares for a _long_ time."

Skipper and Bridgey stared, unsure how to respond.

"Uh. Right. So, everyone come on in!" Skipper said in a faux-cheerful voice, trying to recover his audience.

Ana and Andrew shrugged and waded back in, Andrew muttering "Ah, what the heck, we're already wet." Some of the otters slid in after them. Whisper the mink looked tempted. Most of the students looked at each other and backed away from the water again.

"Do we have to? There's Minis in there!" Maligant complained.

"Errr, there's a really big problem!" came Tiraamilaen's distinctive squeal. "I HATE WATER!"

There was a gasp and giggling from the vermin who were watching.

"But … you're an otter," Adrianna pointed out, dogpaddling.

"That's different! I wanted to be an otter because they're _cuuuuuute!_ I don't wanna have to _act _like one!"

"Shoulda thought of that afore ye signed the form. Getcher tail in the water right now!" Skipper snapped.

"I'm not going in there, that water must be _filthy!"_ Ilexsco protested. Landred, the red-furred ottergirl, nodded frantically in agreement.

"Don't be daft, girl, this water's cleaner'n any ye'll find back on Earth! _We_ know not ter let our waste stuff get inter the drinkin' an' washin' water, the ottercrews'd never stand fer it."

"Yeah, and do the fish know that?" Ilex muttered, looking at the water as if it would bite her. Considering that they'd seen that it contained the Grimblett, this may have been a valid fear. Said creature bubbled disapprovingly at the students, who backed away again.

Skipper sighed. "Fine. We didn't want ter do this to yer, but needs must. Thrugg! Foremole!"

Another otter in a feathered cap popped up beside Skipper, and a mole wielding a window pole shoved three of the smaller students hard in quick succession into the shallows, then smacked the pole over the backs of a vixen's knees, knocking her forward. Thrugg the otter grabbed one struggling, spluttering student in each paw and shoved them towards the middle of the pond as the mole continued to shove more of them in. The vixen, Nikki Zorra, sat up in the water and squealed with glee.

"Now I know exactly how my little guys felt!" she said, wiping away something that was probably a water drip but may have been a tear of happiness. "Did I make it look as cute as they did?"

Thrugg and Foremole both paused in their "encouragement" of the reluctant students and gave her an extremely odd look.

"Probably, but – aargh_splut!_ Oh yuck – they didn't find it as much fun as you did," Brakken pointed out, spouting water as she plunged in face-first thanks to a shove from Foremole.

"They would have been pleased if they knew how cute it was," Nikki insisted.

"Some'ow ah have me doubts," Shven muttered, grinning.

"Why do I have to swim? I can't swim. And I don't want to disappoint my Cluny…"

Skipper sighed as a Mini launched itself from the pool. Fernflower screamed shrilly as it dragged her in, more in surprise than actual fright.

"I DON'T WANNA I DON'T WANNA! _DO NOT WANT!"_ Sakura screamed, flailing her arms and scurrying up and down the edge of the pond. A slimy green frond shot out, wrapped around her ankles, and yanked her into the water. Another frond wrapped firmly around her mouth. She squeaked in shock.

Suzi chewed her lip, really not wanting to get too close to the monster. _I can do this, I know it's perfectly safe, they won't really let it eat me, I'm not gonna make myself look like an idiot,_ she chanted mentally. She took one step forward into the deeper water.

Seconds later, she was hanging off Sandy Aesevak's neck, screaming hysterically about how she'd just trodden on a fish. The unfortunate raccoon fell backwards into the water with a yell, and they both went under. The innocent minnow that had been near Suzi's footpaw darted off into the weeds. Malkin and Sakura saw the fish and simultaneously dived for it, clashing heads as they did and both completely missing their intended prey. The canines sniggered as Suzi and Sandy resurfaced, spraying water.

"Um, sir?" squeaked Ferin, raising a paw.

"What is it now? Honestly, wot a bunch o' fusspots ye are …"

"W-what are these things?"

"Oh, they're just leeches. Now-"

Oaknin and Sakura fled towards the main building and several other students leapt back onto the grass, to the accompaniment of a lot of screaming and Skipper shouting "I said _'leeches',_ not 'sharks'!"

Otters, Minis and Grimblett all co-operated to return the students to their lesson, with much splashing and more screaming. Finally everyone was back in, all of them soggy and shivering, some staring down into the water with a look of nervous disgust.

Skipper sighed. "Okay, let's all try this again. We'll start with the dog paddle – no offence," he said, nodding to Ana and Andrew.

The results were not that great. Various students had to be helped by the otter crew. Suzi was doing better than she'd thought she would, though school swimming lessons from the age of eight upwards still didn't really prepare one for splashing about in a pond surrounded by a selection of creatures some of whom were over a hundred times your weight, several of whom were much worse at swimming than you were. Several of the smaller students held onto each other and trod water until the otters gave them a paw. Skipper barked orders at students who refused to take their paws off the bottom of the pond or tried to duck each other. The Grimblett retreated towards the middle of the pond, Felana kicking frustratedly at it on occasion, other students yelping when they got their footpaws tangled in its fronds.

Eventually most of them were at least staying afloat. The otters were encouraging, at least; they clapped and whooped whenever someone seemed to be improving. Suzi would have appreciated it more if they didn't splash violently when they did, thus causing waves which threatened to completely swamp the mouse-sized students.

"You know, this is actually kind of fun-" Suzi started to say to Zeph Zefire, then realised the otter was squinting down into the water. She looked as well and saw a slight flicker.

Twiggy Papaya had been allowed to stay on the bank along with the other avian students as birds which aren't specifically evolved to live in or near water generally do not cope well when immersed in said substance, and ospreys can perform brief dives but are built more for snatching fish from just under the surface than actually swimming. She noticed the other girls staring into the water, flapped up into the air, and skimmed over the surface to look. Skipper's lecturing of Tiraamilaen was suddenly interrupted by Twiggy screeching "What the heck is _that?!"_

Something dark was slowly moving up from the depths of the pond, shadowed in the weeds. It was far too big to be another otter or Mini-Deepcoiler. The class stared at it in horrified anticipation.

It broke the surface in a whirl of green scales and yellow fangs and black claws, with a loud hissing snarl.

Most of the remaining students fled, all screaming at the top of their lungs.

"Now miss, that ain't very nice!" Skipper told the creature once the stampede had faded out of earshot and Bridgey had stopped giggling enough to sit up straight again. He turned to see a string of bubbles coming from under a floating upturned dish, and turned it back over to reveal the very unhappy and wet Louis, who was spluttering and spraying slimy water from what were presumably the snail's equivalent of nostrils. Skipper carefully placed the dish on the grass. "Oops. Sorry, boyo, didn't see yer little boat there. Anyway, miss, ye gotta be more careful wid the landbeasts – remember wot the 'eadmaster told yer after all that business wid that Irish lad?"

The kelpie bubbled sulkily at him. A frond of Grimblett oozed out of the water and patted her head consolingly.

"Oh, I see, _she_ gets to play with it!" Felana snapped from her undignified position, sprawled waist-deep in the pond.

Skipper sighed and put Louis back on the bank. "Well, the rest o' the class ain't likely ter be comin' back, so ye might as well go get changed. 'Dressed' may be stretchin' a point in yore specific case, miss, but y'knows wot I mean."

Felana scrabbled out of the water and stalked off, muttering about "false advertising". Louis oozed off after her, still spluttering.

"Um. Help?!" came a squeak from Drake the ice dragon. The otters turned in unison to see that the pond water was frozen around his body.

Thrugg sighed. "I'll go fetch a sledgehammer."

* * *

**Miss Minty: I'm very sorry about the tentacle jokes, but I couldn't resist. Mr Jacques's lesser-known work needs attention too, and this is me, so you knew I was going to warp it in some sick manner. Bridgey is the title character of one of the **_**Seven Strange and Ghostly Tales**_** which co-starred the Grimblett** **(which does not do what certain characters were trying to get it to do - that's too far even for us), and the kelpie is from **_**The Ribbajack.**_** Vanderdecken and Teal are from the **_**Castaways of the Flying Dutchman**_** series – they never met in canon, but they'd absolutely hate each other if they did. The word "smooling" and its description is from Garry Kilworth's **_**Welkin Weasels,**_** which are for a slightly younger audience but are hysterically funny. "That author bloke" is Terry Pratchett.**

"**Mr Hopkins" is the author of **_**Jack**_**, an extremely violent furry webcomic taking place in Hell. (The comic's recommended if you have a **_**really**_** strong stomach for adult-rated cartoon grue – I used to hate it, but it grew on me quite quickly.) Hence Minty's idea. Actually having the Pit's resident spammer Yiffed In Hell would be incredibly bad taste even for us, and even Minty wouldn't go that far, so we won't, but he will likely be hurt severely somehow at some point because he's very annoying.**

**Speaking of the Pit Moron, I humbly request that everyone here simply ignore him. Stop posting comments on his "fics", stop emailing him, stop saying anything to him. If he doesn't get comments, odds are he'll get bored and go away. Mock him behind his back as you will, though, and report him as often as possible if he starts playing up again.**

**The weird occurrences hinted at in the beginning skit are due to what the PPC are going to be up to soon. We'll be bringing them in within the next few chapters.**

**I could go into a long explanation of the physics of Blake's survival since he was falling while weighing the same as a human though he was the size of a mouse and he should logically probably have been crushed, but I'll settle for: "If he was killed, it wouldn't be funny." Besides, we torture the laws of physics into unrecognisable shapes enough already in this merely by having the OFUR exist, so this is nothing.**

**Sorry if we didn't get your character in, it's been a while and we've had a few apps in between. Will get them in as soon as possible.**

**Mr Kit: No, we don't have a weremouse, or werecreature yet, although I have a feeling we might have one soon.**

**As for Blake, why yes, we know usually shapeshifters in literature also mean mass, but well, the registration staff do take things literally. **

**As before, send applications to email, or on the livejournal, but due to some circumstances, the email might not work that well for a while.**


	10. Chapter 10: Really Bad News

"I told you I don't need to go to the infirmary!"

"Suzi, you've been in and out of bed all night, you've been keeping everyone awake, I counted seven times you've been in and out of the shower, you're starting to smell really strange, and I'm pretty sure you're running a fever. You need to get checked out!"

The infirmary door opened, and a nightgown-clad Suzianna Goldenfur was frogmarched in by an albino hedgehog, the mousemaid arguing and struggling every step of the way. Brother Hollyberry, the infirmary keeper on duty, dashed up to them.

"Well, what brings you here at this time of night?" The old mouse sniffed the air, felt Suzi's forehead, and groaned. "Oh my, it's happened again. A couple of days later than expected, I suppose the stress of arriving here must be affecting everybeast's body clocks …" He bustled off to the cabinet and started collecting various items from inside it.

"What, is she ill?" asked the hedgehog.

"Not exactly. There's nothing we can do except wait for it to pass, I'd recommend you go back to bed, Snowspine – and may I say how refreshing it is to see a student pick one of the less charismatic species for a fursona?" Snowspine smiled happily.

"Huh, what's so great about that?" snapped Brawndomere the mouseboy from a nearby bed. He winced as the effort of sitting up to see better put pressure on his bandaged ribs. "Why'd it want to be a hedgehog anyway? Okay, they do the cool Spiketussling thing, but they're all kind of dumb."

"Young feller, I'll thank you to stop making speciesist remarks, and I'm sure our, er, gender-inconvenienced students would prefer it if you didn't refer to them as 'it' just because they made the mistake of not taking the forms literally," said Brother Hollyberry sternly.

"Hey, I don't think it's an inconvenience!" Snowspine protested. "A bit weird, but it's a lot less inconvenient than these things." She – Suzi wondered whether to keep thinking of the "Not Applicable" students as "she" and "he" and decided it would be far less confusing to do so – tugged ruefully at her spines. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to sit down now? And don't get me started on getting out of bed if I roll onto my back in the night …"

"See. Stupid spines. Can't even get dressed properly." The mouseboy giggled, then winced as he accidentally put pressure on his ribs again.

Snowspine looked annoyed, and Brother Hollyberry sighed. "Keep this up, mister, and I will have to get Sister Cicely to treat you."

Suzi sighed. _Good grief, that boy's so immature,_ she thought, twitching her nose and picking up a very faint smell _…_ _and so very attractive …_

Snowspine grabbed Suzi's tail as she pounced and yanked as hard as she could, leaving the unfortunate mousegirl sprawled on the floor.

"Get a hold of yourself! What are you doing?"

The pain brought Suzi back to reality, and she blushed bright red.

"I was about to jump a total stranger! What's going on? I swear I don't usually do that! Well, at least not strangers who aren't Martin or Daniel Radcliffe or Orlando Bloom if I ever get the opportunity … or that guy I saw on the bus once who looked kind of like Orlando Bloom and nearly got me arrested … and I really shouldn't have started that sentence, should I?"

"That would be the main effect of your current little problem," Brother Hollyberry said delicately. Snowspine's face settled in an expression of sudden realisation, and she sniggered quietly. Hollyberry continued talking and putting various bits of plant matter into a bowl on the nearest table. "Never thought I'd be thankful for getting old, but the decrease in pheromones is a definite bonus here. Miss Goldenfur, I think you should discuss this with a female healer. Just sit down, I'll finish mixing this sedative and I'll get you an icepack …"

"I can't stay in here!" Suzi yelled, hopping from footpaw to footpaw. "I'm uncontrollably attracted to that guy, this is horrible!"

"Oh, thanks!" spluttered Brawndomere. "Bitch."

Hollyberry ignored him and pulled Suzi down the ward, towards the beds designed for larger creatures. "Just stay here, don't move … aha." He held up a small bag and a chisel and climbed the ladder attached to the largest bed, which was actually, on close inspection, an enclosed tank with smoky fluid being circulated through it by pumps. Drake the ice dragon was sleeping in it, his head and tail hanging out at the ends. The rest of him was submerged in the fluid which, had Suzi spent her chemistry lessons back at home doing anything other than doodling pictures of Orlando Bloom with rabbit ears, she would have been able to identify as liquid nitrogen. Hollyberry perched on the dragon's head and chipped off chunks of the ice which had formed on his scales.

"Handy having this fellow around," he commented absent-mindedly.

Another mouse in a habit and name-badge, this one a female whose badge read "Sister Cicely", walked up and glanced at Suzi.

"Another one?" she sighed.

"Another one? You mean I'm not the first one with whatever this is?"

"Oh no, young Miss Fernflower was brought in a few hours ago. Don't worry, it's just your heat period. It's not a big problem-"

"HEAT PERIOD! But that only happens for ani- oh, yeah …" Suzi trailed off, plucking at her fur. "Funny how I forget about that." Snowspine hid her laughing. Suzi glared at her. Cicely ignored them.

"Now, let me fix you up with some nice nettle soup which should help

that, and I can explain everything."

Brother Hollyberry shuddered. "Nettle soup? I'm pretty sure that won't work."

"Oh yes it will, it cures everything."

Hollyberry muttered something about "only because it's easier to pretend to be well than to drink the stuff". Cicely bustled off, leaving Suzi feeling rather stunned.

"This isn't funny!" she snapped at Snowspine. "It's alright for you, if this is what she says it is you won't have it!"

"See why I said I don't think it's inconvenient?" Snowspine quipped.

"Miss Goldenfur, be nice. It's not your friend's fault that you still have ovaries." Hollyberry slid down the ladder and gave her the newly-made icepack, and picked up the pestle and mortar again. "The ice'll help. I'll just finish mixing this for you, it'll help you sleep. And I recommend you run before Cicely comes back with the nettle soup, it looks like vomit and tastes like ditchwater. Just try to avoid going near too many adult male rodents on the way. Your little friend Fernflower suffered the same earlier this evening, and … well, you'll see her on the way out. Cluny wasn't best pleased when she ran into him on the way to the dormitory."

Suzi shuddered, wondering whether she really wanted to know what Cluny had done. She nodded. Brother Hollyberry handed over the mixture and turned away, muttering under his breath about Sister Cindy. Suzi drank the mixture and shuddered. It tasted awful. She could feel it working, but still ... She decided to flee before she had to find out how much worse the nettle soup was.

"Thanks for bringing me up here," she said grudgingly to Snowspine as they walked towards the door, then screeched to a halt as the pheromones hit again. Snowspine glared at Brawndomere, who was fanning himself, aiming his smell towards Suzi.

"Come on, girl, you know you want me," he said in a ridiculously overdramatic tone as Suzi hurled herself at him again, eyes agleam.

Snowspine sighed and cuffed her round the face. Suzi shook her head, blinked, blushed again, and glared at the smirking Brawndomere.

"That wasn't funny."

"Yes it was," he said, grinning widely. "Hey, I'm stuck in bed with five broken ribs, I gotta make my own fun. Shame Fernflower isn't conscious yet." He gestured to a bed further down.

"How'd you break your ribs, anyway?" Snowspine asked him.

"Apparently even in Mossflower you can't win in a wrestling match against something twenty times your weight on the first try," Brawndomere grumbled. "Stupid overgrown bunnies."

Suzi and Snowspine stopped and gaped as they drew level with the next occupied bed. They hadn't previously noticed who was in it, as she was mostly covered by a blanket, but close inspection showed it to be Fernflower, with what looked like broken facial bones, two black eyes, lumps under the cover which suggested casts on at least two limbs, and the words "'NO' MEANS 'NO'" carved in mirror-writing into her forehead.

"Well, that's scared me into being cured," Suzi muttered.

* * *

By morning, Suzi was feeling better. She headed down to breakfast and winced when she saw the bandaged mouseboy further down the table. She ignored him when he smirked and waved, hoping that he wouldn't try that again next time. When would the next time be? She wished she actually knew something about rodent biology beyond "small, fluffy, squeaks, eats cheese, really cute, some anthro versions cute in entirely different way, Mickey Mouse just annoying since I turned eight" …

The students started to dash for breakfast as usual, then paused, realising that there was no food on the tables. Kit and Minty were standing on the stage at the front of the room, Kit holding a microphone.

"Testing, testing, is this thing on? Aha." Mister Kit tapped the microphone and cleared his throat. "Sorry to delay your access to the food, students, but we have an important announcement. It has come to our attention that we need to address a few things. Specifically, the issue of heat periods."

Several students blushed bright red.

"There will be a lecture about how to cope with that particular problem today. We figured it would be best to give you all the details A.S.A.P. We don't want any incidents like we had in the past. You really don't want to know what happened the year we were founded, but suffice it to say it was messy."

"Now we won't spoil your breakfast by dwelling on that any further, but there is another issue which must be addressed," said Miss Minty, tapping her cane. "Bring 'em up, buckoes."

Several staff members stepped onto the stage, dragging … _things _on leashes. Minty picked up one of the creatures and held it up for inspection. It was about the size of a small rabbit, and it did have black-tipped rabbity ears, but otherwise it looked like a walking wig, with no discernable face or limbs. It squeaked and bounced in her grip.

Kit, meanwhile, was holding up a different creature. This one was small and spherical with a musteline face, tiny stubby legs and a very short black-tipped tail. More of the two types of creature scampered around the stage, pulling their hapless handlers with them and being growled at by the Mini-Deepcoilers. Suzi caught the stink of beer from the area of the stage and wrinkled her nose, but couldn't figure out what was causing it.

"Meet our latest arrivals, Win and Blackbery and their many little friends," said Kit. "Now just think for a second about where these little fellows could have come from … You don't know? Well, let's just say they'll be having fun with you in Proofreading class today."

The staff members scattered about the room started to snigger. The students looked puzzled.

"Yes, it's finally happened enough times to increase the pressure on reality to just the right level and create _these,"_ said Minty, tail swishing as she put Blackbery down. "Meet the Stouts and Hairs."

Some of the students continued to look puzzled, but others groaned and slapped their foreheads or burst out giggling.

"Oh, that's just _bad,"_ Sandflame Montmorency sighed.

"We know. Try to refrain from creating any more of these little fellows – not that they aren't lovable if you don't mind the smell and the shedding." Kit scritched Win's ears.

Badrang, standing at the back of the room, raised a paw. "Question. These Stout things are fat stoatlike things which reek of beer, yes?"

"Yes?" Minty replied, raising an eyebrow.

"So how am I supposed to tell them apart from Clogg?" Badrang said with a broad smirk, and ducked as a wooden shoe came flying at his head.

* * *

"Hey, are you okay?" asked Thom as Suzi slumped down at her desk near the front of the classroom, yawning widely.

"Mmmrrr … oh, yeah, I'm fine," Suzi muttered in reply. "Just tired." She was usually pretty good at getting through a schoolday after a late night on the computer, but spending a night pacing the dormitory and taking icy showers every fifteen minutes had taken a lot out of her, and she'd lost sleep all week with the vast amounts of reading and homework she had to do after her detentions. At least they hadn't been woken at four in the morning since the first day, but dawn was still earlier than she was used to, and there wasn't even a bus journey she could nap on as she'd learned to do en route to her real school.

She checked her timetable. That was weird, there was no teacher's name listed for this class … She glanced around. Had she been less tired, she might have been able to put two and two together when she saw several vermin – Shadow, Scragg, and both Killconeys – at the back of the classroom, along with a comically oversized CD player. She did think it was slightly odd that all the desks were very close together for such a large classroom, leaving a very broad path around the outside of the room. As she looked over her fellow students, she notice another oddity, and started to ask "Why are Fernflower and that ratgirl gagged and chained to their desks-"

As Scragg hit the button on the CD player and "Ride of the Valkyries"boomed out, the door burst off its hinges with a loud crash and roar.

Precisely how half a dozen rats were managing to steer a human-sized motorcycle between them, Suzi would never know. She had to admit, it was an impressive bike, even with the plastering of _Biker Mice from Mars_ stickers, many of which now had spectacles or moustaches scrawled on in black marker. It was huge and sleek and black, and moved as if the restrictive laws of physics didn't quite apply to it. Gasps of admiration and applause came from various students, especially the boys, as the shark-sleek machine did a circuit of the room. A large rat in a batwing cloak was balanced on the handlebars, whooping and cackling insanely.

The large rat leapt off the bike as it passed the podium at the front of the room, landed neatly on the podium with a swirl of his cloak, and took a bow. As he did so, the other rats promptly lost control of the bike, and it crashed into the wall, leaving a large hole in the plaster. The rats screamed and cursed, scrabbling to find the brakes, as the still-running wheels left skidmarks on the floorboards and more plaster rained down.

Shadow, Scragg, and the two Killconeys each held up a little placard reading "10". Cluny bowed again and pulled a face which was probably meant to be a polite smile.

As Scragg turned off the music, there was a horrible screech. For a second Suzi thought it was the bike's brakes. Then she realised the sound was coming from Thom's mouth. He was frozen with horror, gaping at the rat-infested motorcycle, and he was wailing as if he was watching someone sacrifice his firstborn child.

"_MY BIIIIIIIIKE!!"_

"Correction, my boy," said Cluny. "It _was_ your bike."

"You filthy thieving scum! What have you done to my Cynthia?!"

There was a long silence, broken by quiet sniggering.

"You know, Thommy, it takes a guy who's either very secure in his own masculinity or very bad at connecting his brain to his mouth to publicly admit that he calls his motorbike _'Cynthia',"_ Suzi said. Thom looked daggers at her.

There was a loud CRACK, and everyone in the room jumped.

"Thank you. We can discuss my bike later, you're here for a lesson," said Cluny, lowering his tail.

Suzi finally remembered what they were here for. _Oh God, _Cluny_ is teaching _this?!

_Ew ew ew ew ewww!_ She did have to admit Fernflower looked happy despite the shackles, insofar as she could tell through the bandages which were slipping over the other mousemaid's eyes. The puddles of drool trickling under the ball-gag and forming on her desk were a clue. Shadow slunk up and placed a basin under her chin. She didn't notice.

"You see, it has come to our attention that some of you are experiencing a certain aspect of non-human biology which you probably didn't bargain for," Cluny began, grinning evilly. "I'm just going to walk you all through how to deal with them – and before you ask, I'm the one doing this job because everybeast else wanted extra pay for it and I thought it'd be worth doing it just to see the expressions on your ugly little faces."

A collective shudder passed through the class.

"We have a strict policy here; abstinence unless either you can prove you're of sound mind and capable of meaningful consent,_ or_ you're smart enough to avoid being caught. Sorry, ladies, but the influence of excess oestrogen counts as not being of sound mind. Not that I think any of you are of sound mind under normal circumstances. Females are to leave the males alone and males are to refuse any advances that are made, no excuses accepted on either part. Anyone who deliberately takes advantage of a female in heat, or any female who uses their heat period as an excuse for harassing other students or staff, _will_ be punished. Among other things, they will be the ones who get to explain the situation to their parents if necessary."

"Explain what to their parents?" asked a confused-looking white-furred otterboy, whose ostentatious pike tattoo did nothing to change the fact that he looked about ten years old.

"Well, Mister Streambattle, remember we told you that you would be put back in your home at the end of the school year, only a few seconds after you left? The guilty male party will be the one who, if such an unfortunate situation should occur, gets to help the young lady explain to her parents who he is, what he did to their daughter, how she managed to go through an entire pregnancy and birth in one night, and possibly why she produced a litter."

A few students blushed. Some spluttered indignantly. Most winced.

"I hope such a situation will not arise, and so that unpleasantness will not be necessary. In all seriousness, the infirmary does have a ready supply of sedatives available, and the Protectors of the Plot Continuum sent us some Anti-Lustin for emergency cases. I recommend you use them, ladies, it'll play merry hell with your sleeping pattern otherwise. And the sleeping patterns of other students, from what I hear. And if that doesn't work, we do have pepper spray for the males. You are encouraged, nay, instructed, to use it. And before you even _think_ about using it to give you an unfair advantage over the staff in, for example, combat or stalking situations, I've been told to tell you that doing so will result in you experiencing the other kind of mace."

Darkclaw, still pinned under the motorcycle despite, or possibly because of, the "best" efforts of Redtooth and Fangburn, groaned "Yeah!" and raised his only free paw, which was clutching a spiked iron ball on a chain. This didn't quite have the threatening effect he'd hoped for, but the class took the point.

"This isn't _faaaaaaiiiir!"_ Tiraamilaen screeched, rocketing up out of her chair and raising one paw in the manner of those about to start an indignant rant. "You sexist jerks! You're giving the guys pepper spray because you think we can't control ourselves enough to leave them alone? I oughta-"

Scragg produced a glittery rubber ball and Tiraamilaen's rant abruptly cut off with a shriek of "Eeeee shiny!" She pounced as Scragg threw the ball, along with a dozen other students, about half of whom were boys. The vermin darted out of the way and the unlucky ottergirl cannoned head-first into the wall, leaving a dent in the plaster.

"See?" Redtooth pointed out. "We aren't insulting women, we're just assuming that you're all equally _in_capable of self-control. It's safer for us that way."

"If you think we're incapable of self-control, why are you giving us pepper spray?" asked Sandy the raccoon.

"The real reason?" said Redtooth with a shrug and an evil grin. "Mostly it's because we like seeing you hurt yourselves."

"Now anyway," said Cluny in a businesslike manner, slamming his paws down on the desk and causing everybeast to jump, "the specifics of the oestrus process are different for each species, even if the basic effect is the same. A lot of you will only go through it once this year, round about winter or spring – that holds for foxes, stoats, ferrets, hares, so on. On the other paw …" Cluny glared at the obliviously ecstatic Fernflower, "… mice unfortunately get it for about twelve hours every three days or so, usually at nigh-"

"_It's going to happen HOW OFTEN?!"_ Suzi shrieked, before she could stop herself. Cluny's eye fixed on her.

"I've heard rumours about you, Miss Goldenfur, and I'd appreciate it if you would enlighten me as to how anybeast will notice a difference."

* * *

One crushingly embarrassing and fur-crawlingly creepy lecture accompanied by much sniggering from Cluny's followers later, Suzi wandered unsteadily down the corridor, still sleepy and now also feeling very ill. It was weird; she'd probably met at least a couple of her classmates on the Internet and said far more detailed things in front of them herself, but she cringed at going through such a class with them now that she was thinking of them as actual people rather than computers which spewed reviews and squeeings. Odd how you didn't notice that was how you were thinking of them until you met them and were surprised to find a face there, even if at this point in time it was a decidedly more bewhiskered face than you'd expected …

Several of the boys were grinning and examining the mace canisters Redtooth had given them. A white-furred dog-fox was deep in conversation with Aaron Fuchs, Alexander Bluestripe, and a creature Suzi didn't recognise who looked like a cross between a rabbit and the _Alien_ monster, about whether they could find an excuse to use the spray on someone and pretend it had been an "emergency". Aleen Streambattle (the youngest student at the age of eleven) was still looking decidedly nauseous. Seeing a white-furred creature's face trying to turn simultaneously red with embarrassment and green with disgust is rather odd.

"How come I don't get to use mace?" Zeph Zefire muttered irritably.

"You keep insisting you're a girl, they're going to act as if you are one," Snowspine pointed out.

"I _am_ a girl! I just happen to have a slight addition at the moment! And I don't know how much the others' heat will … reduce pickiness!" Zeph shot a death glare at Stripey Sordfang, who was walking a short distance behind her, singing snippets of "Dude Looks Like A Lady" under his breath and attempting to look innocent, which he had probably been physically incapable of doing even as a human.

"You just want to mace Tira-whats-her-face with the gold eyes, don't you? Not that I object on principle, but would it even work if her eyes are solid metal?"

"Well … Maybe we can persuade one of the boys to test it for us?"

After the horrors of the first lecture, Suzi was quite relieved to find out that her groups' next lesson was possibly the most boring one on the whole timetable; Proofreading and Spellchecking for Beginners. Even if the two Killconeys were teaching here as well, and Konnie was still sniggering at random moments – she'd been one of the worst parts of the whole previous lesson, making dark and cryptic comments about "be thankful ye didn't sign up as a ferret" which Suzi didn't understand and wasn't sure she wanted to understand – it was a reasonable class in which to switch off one's brain.

"Now," said the teacher, some Abbey mouse or other whose name Suzi hadn't picked up, "as we said last lesson, using a spellchecker is very important. Unfortunately, it can't catch all mistakes. For example, see these." He patted one of the three Stouts which sat beside his desk. "The word 'stout', s-t-o-_u_-t, is a perfectly legitimate word, meaning, depending on context, large and bulky, strong and resolute, or a type of alcoholic drink made from malt and hops – the last one being responsible for the unfortunate smell of our new arrivals. Unfortunately, the spellchecker won't pick up whether it's been used in an incorrect context, for example to refer to a musteline creature, which should be a 'stoat', s-t-o-_a_-t."

Suzi's head slowly eased down towards her desk and her eyes slid shut as the teacher droned on about the Hairs. She managed to sit upright quickly enough not to be noticed when Killconey slapped down a sheet of paper in front of her.

"Now. Pick up your pencils and copy out the sentence; 'Captain Clogg is a stout stoat.' Make sure the spellings are around the correct way," the mouse teacher instructed them, writing said sentence on the board. "Good. Now keep writing it until you can get the spellings correct consistently."

The sound of frantic scribbling filled the room as the Killconey twins bared their fangs in identical evil grins. Suzi blearily stared at the paper and picked up her pen, managing to write the sentence out a few times before everything blurred into rows of squiggles. She felt her eyelids drooping.

She was woken abruptly when two hares slammed open the door and dragged in a struggling Nikki Zorra.

"This is yours, I believe, Saxtus old thing?" said one hare, dropping the vixen, who landed on her rump with a clatter of bangles and a string of highly inappropriate language. "We found her hiding in the broom closet down the hallway with a camera. This was taped to the door." He held up a sign with the words "DELICIOUS CAKE - FREE" scrawled on in pink marker pen, above a cartoonish picture of a cake.

"Not my fault I figured hares would be smart enough not to believe it," Nikki muttered. "I had a specific target in mind, not my fault it was you who opened the door, I just want my cute gullible mustelids …"

She made her way to an empty desk and sat down, her muttered complaints blurring with the sound of pens scratching to form something very close to white noise. It was rather relaxing … Suzi's head rested on the desk and her eyes closed.

Girl Killconey slammed a metal ruler on the desk loudly, taking the tips off four of Suzi's whiskers as she did, and barked "AHA! Are we borin' ye, missy?"

The unfortunate mousemaid sat bolt upright and screamed "Eep no of course I wasn't asleep sorry miss sorry sir!"

Saxtus tutted and looked at her over his glasses. "Falling asleep in class? Goodness, you really don't seem to be taking this lesson seriously. I think double homework should teach you the importance of-"

"WHAT?!" Suzi wailed. "B-b-but I was up all last night, and I'm still in detention-"

"Triple homework," Saxtus said sternly. "Sorry, I'm under strict instructions to make sure everything I teach you sinks in by any means necessary."

Suzi sagged back into her seat, defeated. It looked like she wasn't going to get any sleep tonight either. And it was Sunday tomorrow, so according to the timetable it was a full day of Practical Weaponry …

"Just one of those days," she muttered to herself. "Or two … or three … or a full bloody year looming ahead …"

* * *

The door burst open with a crash and Martin practically fell into the office. Miss Minty looked up from her paperwork. Martin or Rose even leaving their room within the first two weeks of the school year was cause for concern; after the disastrous events in the year of the OFUR's founding, they preferred to monitor potentially problematic students on the security cameras and work out a strategy before allowing themselves near the danger zone.

"Abbey Warrior or not, I hope there is a good reason for this intrusion," the wolverine said coldly. "What did I say about knocking before entering my private office? And why do I smell brandy?"

"E-emergency, ma'am," the mouse panted. "You and – whew – you and Mister Kit are needed in the Headmaster's office. Urgent message from PPC Headquarters." He held up a half-empty brandy bottle. "It's medicinal, I swear, ma'am. Trust me, you'll be needing some as well when you find out what's happening! Huh, I thought I was unshockable these days, but …"

"What? We can't be having our Designated Yearly Emergency already, it's not halfway through September yet!" Minty dropped her papers, grabbed her cane, and followed Martin. Kit appeared from his own office next door, dragged by a frantic Laterose, and together the group ran down the corridor to the huge and imposing oaken door of the Headmaster's office.

The room behind the door was in near-darkness, as is appropriate for all mysterious authority figures. Despite the incredibly-expensive-looking high-tech computer on one side of the enormous desk, a well-worn old typewriter occupied pride of place in front of the high-backed swivel chair. The chair was in deep shadow, but there was a suggestion of baldness and beard on the silhouetted figure, and had the co-ordinators looked under the desk they would have seen carpet slippers. Martin and Rose both briefly dropped to one knee in front of the desk, and the co-ordinators bowed.

"Good evening, sir," said Kit.

"Oh, hello there," said the shadowy figure wearily in a broad Liverpudlian accent. "Bad news, I'm afraid."

"We gathered – begging your pardon, sir," said Minty. The figure waved a hand.

"It's alright, Minty, I have bigger things to worry about at the moment." The figure sighed. "My poor creations …" He leaned forward in a businesslike manner. "Now. I want all four of you to promise me – swear to me honestly – that what I show you won't be spread around the staff. I don't want them to get upset, I know what happens when they do and I will _not_ have a repeat of that unfortunate incident with the pet shop owner's son."

"You have our word, sir," Kit assured him. "I speak for all of us, we won't talk."

"Good. I received _this"_ – the word "this" was uttered in tones suggesting the most abominable and unprintable curse possible – "from the Protectors of the Plot Continuum's Department of Intelligence." The Headmaster turned the computer monitor around.

Kit and Minty gaped at what was on the screen. Minty broke the silence.

"Ohh dear."

* * *

**Miss Minty: Yay! Ten chapters down! We're sorry for the delay and we hope to increase the speed of updates in future – we're both at kind of difficult points in our lives to be keeping up with these, but we try. And the last scene is the beginnings of a tie-in to events in the PPC, which will be showing up later. If you're not familiar with the PPC, just keep reading the OFUR, all will be made clear.**

**Would like to remind everyone that **_**apps are CLOSED now.**_** May reopen later, but for now we're rapidly losing track of who's who. Give us a chance to catch up. If we do reopen them, Aleen will stay the youngest character because I refuse to include under-elevens in a fic involving so many jokes about bad furry porn, attempted tentacle hentai, drug use (even if so far it's only been catnip), etc. It's not our business if under-thirteens read it and there's no reasonable way we can stop you anyway, just don't tell us and keep it away from your parents.**

**I actually looked up the details of mouse breeding for this so it would be accurate. See what I do for you people? Look up the ferret thing yourself, unless you want to wait several years for us to reach OFUR-year springtime. (It's actually used as a plot point in my latest fic under my "Laburnum Steelfang" account on ffnet, but that one's rated R and pretty gruesome.)**

**The Stouts and Hairs are fun. Hairs are misspelled food items and Stouts are misspelled drinks. Still stuck on what to use for a Wilverine, though, maybe we should stick to having only one of those … And here we see what the large heavy thing Cluny was hauling into the building in Chapter 2 is, and what class he's teaching. He will be teaching similarly embarrassing topics later. Ouch.**

**Since Snowspine is now here, I figure I should plug Vengeance Quest, one of the few epic fanfics I ever actually managed to finish. Gory, but very good stuff. She let me borrow some of her critters for the PPC because I thought they were insanely cool, hence why I'm showing nepotism in the advertising here. I think that's only fair.**

**Mr Kit: Yeah. Looks like we have a problem.**

**And as for Cluny, well, expect more. And Signs will be appearing later. Although, I wonder if you can make any guesses from reading what will occur.**


	11. Chapter 11: Practical Weaponry

The morning bell rang as usual, but this time, lost in the din in the Predator girls' dormitory, was a brief shriek.

"Huh?" Brakken dropped her hairbrush - or rather furbrush - and whirled around to see the source of the scream, and saw a pair of feline paws clutching the windowsill.

"Little help?" came a plaintive voice from outside the window.

"Twisted?" Brakken leaned over to see Twisted, a cat student, dangling by her claws. "Were you sleeping on the window ledge?"

"Seemed like a good idea at the time. Now give me a paw up," Twisted said with a half-hearted grin. "Cats may land on their feet, but at this height I don't think that would make much difference!"

Brakken and Eryss hauled the unfortunate Twisted back into the room without comment and resumed preparing for class. Mishaps like this were becoming commonplace after a week in the OFUR.

"What's going on?" asked Zeph, as the Predator girls left their dormitory. "I just came out into the corridor and I heard yelling."

"Just sleeping in a sunbeam in an awkward place," said Twisted, shrugging and adjusting her goggles. "No big deal."

"Ah. So, have you had any other problems adjusting to the fursonae?" Zeph asked. "Other than the problems not related to being an otter-" she grinned nervously and gestured vaguely, "-I'm doing okay."

"Apart from grooming problems, and the fact that I've had to cut holes in the backs of all my pants for the tail? Not that I've noticed," Brakken said as she pushed open the bathroom door, and stopped abruptly. Ana Dogwood was head down in a toilet, tail wagging, drinking noisily. She looked up as she sensed the other girls staring.

"What? It's been cleaned."

"I don't think drinking dilute bleach is any better," Ilex pointed out, pulling a face.

"Trust me, it could be a lot worse," Kalez the rabbit spluttered through what looked like an entire tube of toothpaste.

Sandflame the hare spat out mouthwash and nodded weakly. "Please do yourself a favour and don't ever ask _why_ we spend so much time brushing our teeth in the mornings now."

* * *

Sunday was all-day Practical Weaponry, so the students trooped out into the outdoor training area. It mainly consisted of a large empty field, with areas set aside for archery and javelin practice. A large rough-looking mouse was standing on a raised platform at one edge of the field.

"Gather round, gather round!" he called, a slight Northern twang evident in his voice. "Welcome to your first Practical Weaponry lesson. I'm Luke the Warrior, father of the famous Martin, and I'll be takin' this class for the first few weeks because I want to protect my boy's sanity. Miss Goldenfur, I've heard rumours about you and I hope your paw is up because you have a question which doesn't relate to my son's room number."

Suzi sagged a little. "Damn … uh, no, sir, I really do want to ask you something else."

"What?"

"Are these shackles really necessary?"

"Considering what we caught you doing to the tapestry yesterday morn, yes. I didn't want to risk a case of mistaken identity and have to stab a student already." Luke twirled the sword idly. "Now queue up and fetch yer weapons. The ones you asked for are tagged with your names." He pointed with the blade towards the racks of miscellaneous weaponry a little further down the field.

There was a stampede as enthusiastic students ran for the shiny sharp objects. Suzi was bowled over by Eryss and found herself at the back of the crowd.

"Be careful with those! Those things are _real!"_ Luke called belatedly as several yelps of pain intertwined with the squeals of glee.

Brawndomere stood back, shaking his head and grinning. "Bah. Who needs weapons? Paw-to-paw is more fun."

Crystal Phonix the robin was looking at her sword with an expression somewhere between confusion and embarrassment. Twiggy Papaya the osprey looked at her sympathetically.

"You forgot that you don't have any hands now, didn't you?"

Suzi tried to run forward, forgetting about the chains on her ankles, and fell over, cursing. Luke sighed and nodded to a nearby hare, who stepped up with a key. As soon as she was freed, Suzi ran full tilt for the weaponry without pausing to thank her liberator. Sakura squealed as Suzi ran between her feet, and several others cursed at the mouse as she shoved them aside. As she reached the rack, she stopped, with the reverence of one entering a cathedral. There, in front of her, was Her Very Own Sword.

Obviously it wasn't the actual Sword of Martin, but it certainly looked close enough. She hadn't seen anything so pretty since that incident which had got her banned from the Royal Armouries on that school trip when she was twelve. The edge glittered. Her name was on the tag attached to the hilt.

She lunged forward, grabbed it from the rack, and screamed in pain as her wrists felt like they were dislocating.

She cursed and tried to lift the sword again. This time she managed without too much difficulty, but fell over backwards as she lifted it to shoulder height. It didn't help that the sword was clearly made for somebeast rather a lot bigger than she was. Martin was a large adult male mouse, and Suzi was a skinny adolescent female. Perhaps asking for a sword "just like" his had been a mistake. _Stupid literal-minded admin ..._

Much louder swearing suddenly rang out over the field. Abvorlanche the Dark Squirrel, swathed heavily in a lightproof cloak, was trying to lift a shiny black stave from the ground and failing miserably.

"You did know that onyx is a type of _rock_ when you asked for a staff made of it, right?" Ferin Lightpaw was asking her. Abvorlanche told her what she could do with the staff, managed to lift one end about a paws-width, and promptly dropped it on her own toe by mistake.

"Say, Snuffie? All you need is a cloak and for you to be a green bunny instead of a wolf," sniggered Nikki Zorra.

"I was thinking of a rat skeleton," Oaknin added, also sniggering.

Snuffie, not getting the jokes, ignored them and went back to polishing her scythe blade with her sleeve.

"Okay, once everyone is armed with what they want, a quick review is in order before we send you to the various instructors."

"Instructors?" asked Tipardity, struggling to lift a comically oversized club.

"Yes, you'll be split into groups by type of weapon. I'll give ye a basic overview of weapon safety first, then I'll be instructin' the bladed-weapons group. All of you come over here, and pay attention."

The class clustered round the stage, smallest at the front and largest at the back, occasionally swearing as they accidentally (or not so accidentally) jabbed each other in the ribs or feet with various pieces of weaponry.

"Now, real swords aren't actually as heavy as you'd think. At least, the good ones aren't," said Luke, twirling his sword to demonstrate. "These things weigh ... well, a human-sized sword would be less than five pounds, so scale that down to whatever's appropriate."

Several students looked at their weapons in surprise. Suzi laughed hollowly. No way was this stupid thing that light. Why had she been dumb enough to ask for a weapon she couldn't use?

"The problem isn't so much the weight as the shape and balance; since you have to hold a sword at arms' length and grip it at one end rather than in the middle, they tend to feel heavier than they actually are at first. It takes time to get used to swingin' one of these things around properly without wrenching your wrists, and until you do learn you're going to get paw cramps in the morning. Prob'ly take the skin off your paws a couple of times, too. And no, even in Mossflower you cannot wield one full-sized battleaxe in each paw - yes, I'm looking at you, mister. A fairly strong creature could _lift_ one in each paw, but you wouldn't be able to _use_ them."

"Oh yeah? Watch th-OWITHINKMYWRISTSAREBROKEN!"

"Ah, you wuss! That was only _one_ axe!"

"It helps if you hold it correctly, and it probably also helps if you don't specifically ask for an axe that weighs more'n you do," sighed Luke as Alexander and Stripey started wrestling yet again. Random students and staff members cheered them on.

"HEY, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG, YA PANSIES!" Brawndomere shouted. "THAT IS _NOT_ HOW YOU DO THAT HOLD, HE COULD GET OUT OF THAT WITH NO PROBLEM!"

"Oh, someone fancies himself an expert wrestler, I see?"

"Well, 'e be roight, ee knows, that bain't ee way to do et," called a mole from the crowd, struggling to be heard over the chants of "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

"Save it for your turn at this class, alright, Gurth?" Luke told him. "We should probably break this up."

"Why? This is fun!" said Blake, white eyes gleaming happily as he watched the carnage.

"Five dollars on Bluestripe!" shouted Sandflame.

The Minis poured forwards like a tsunami. Alexander and Stripey flew apart and ran in opposite directions, pursued enthusiastically by the hissing Mini-Deepcoilers. Brawndomere hopped from footpaw to footpaw with frustration, punching the air and shouting insults after the fleeing badgers.

"Cowards! Come back and keep fighting! Why are you scared? They're just a bunch of snakes!"

This sounded to many of the students like a perfectly good reason for being scared, but the mouseboy continued yelling.

"Young feller, ye'll get your chance for a fight soon enough, maybe you should calm down a bit-" Luke started.

"Maybe you should go put on a dress and pick daisies!" Brawndomere shouted, too excited to actually think through what he was saying. Gasps and laughter echoed across the field, followed closely by shouted threats and dark mutterings from the staff.

"Want me to teach 'im a lesson for yer?" called a very small scrawny rat from the crowd of staff members. Brawndomere burst out laughing.

"Bring it on, rat!"

"Me name's Sneezewort," said the rat, stepping out into the field after a nod from Luke. Rats are, on average, twice the size of mice, but he wasn't all that much bigger than the mouseboy, and had a distinctly underfed look. Nevertheless, he stood in front of Brawndomere and spat on the floor. "Try yer luck, kid."

Brawndomere took up a wrestler's stance (to be precise, the one usually used by amateurs seconds before they get knocked out by opponents who actually know how to wrestle) and hopped back and forth a few times before figuring that the rat was just standing there and wasn't going to make the first move. He lunged, and Sneezewort darted neatly out of the way.

"See, laddie, there's a few things you ain't takin' into account," he said, dodging attack after attack from the now-angry student. "Fer one thing, ye've been a mouse fer about a week, so yer still gettin' used to bein' a completely different shape than usual, so yer movements are kinda off. Second, I'm pretty sure yer 'uman form ain't quite as, er, well-built as yer asked fer yer fursona to be, so yer got no idea 'ow ter use all that beef. Third, I lived among vermin all me life, I wouldn't still be breathin' iffen I didn't 'ave some idea of 'ow to 'andle meself in a fight. Alright, I was the comic-relief-type vermin so usually me idea's 'run away', but sometimes ya gotta slug it out, an' even I didn't _always_ lose. An' ... wot comes after three?" Sneezewort stuck out his tail and tripped Brawndomere as he charged again. "Well, last fing, the _reason_ I didn't always lose is because I got somethin' you don't got ..."

Brawndomere pulled himself upright and once again launched himself, screaming, at his opponent, only to drop like a stone as a very large rodentine fist connected with his head.

"... Backup," Sneezewort finished smugly, and shook Lousewort's paw. "Fanks, pal." Lousewort grinned happily.

Everyone suddenly looked very, very worried.

Sneezewort grinned. "Well, acksherlly one o' the Log-a-Logs gave me a few pointers, I wasn't nuffin' like that good in canon. But the bosses let us do that so's we c'n teach you an important lesson; never, ever, _ever_ assume that yer opponent is worse than you at fightin'. _Ever._ Even if yer twice their size. We mean that."

Gulo the Savage, at the back of the audience, winced.

Luke nodded. "Now that's over, we'll move on, _please._ Everyone, as I call out your names, please step over to the teacher that will be pointed out to you. Swordsbeasts, stay with me. Spears, go with Urthstripe; axes, go with Orlando." Two badgers waved and stepped out of the crowd. "Ranged weapons, go with Grath and Inbar Trueflight. Blunt instruments with Sunflash. Sergeant Torgoch collects weaponry of all types, so he volunteered to help with the non-canonically-used weapons ..." Luke gestured at the hare and then looked nervously at Felana, who was twirling a whip and grinning. "Are you aware that thing would probably not be much use on a real battlefield? It doesn't do much real damage, an' a leather strap plus sharp blades equals a _much shorter_ leather strap, you know."

"Who cares?" said Blake Lither, who was holding two whips and swinging them around, clearing a very wide space around himself in the crowd. "They look cool! Look at me, I'm Indiana Jones - oof!" One whip wrapped around his feet and tripped him, causing him to land flat on his face.

"SnuffSnuff, Tungsten Monk, Eryss Shadowclaw, you should all go with the non-canonical weapons group too. By the way, Miz Shadowclaw, the co-ordinators were pleased with your weapon choice. Very Pratchettesque."

Eryss Shadowclaw smiled proudly and lifted what appeared to the confused class to be a half-brick in a sock. One or two grinned; evidently the ones who got the joke. Snuffie and TM clacked their scythe blades together - carefully, because the size difference between a wolf and an adder-sized snake-with-arms is rather impressive. Kithkin the squirrel proudly waved her naginata and strutted over to join the group without having to be told.

"And we'll be takin' the bally barepaw fighters!" shouted an elderly hare, punching the air and hopping about with the energy of a much younger beast.

"Yes - someone wake up Brawndomere, if ye would? - those int'rested in unarmed combat will be taught by Gurth the mole and Stiffener Medick-"

At this point, Suzi's eyes lit up, she started to open her mouth, and then she suddenly fell over in a dead faint, luckily not landing on her swordblade.

Several students clustered around the unconscious mouse. Sandflame knelt beside her and tried to check her pulse. Sister Viola ran forward from the audience, pushed her way through the crowd, and examined Suzi.

"Is she alright?" asked Adrianna Stormfur, squinting at Suzi's face.

"She's fine, it's just a case of neural fusion," said Viola, fanning Suzi's face until the mousemaid's eyes fluttered open and she shakily sat up. "Her brain shut down in self-defence. It comes of thinking up too many possible supposedly-witty comments at once and knowing that she didn't dare actually say any of them."

"Does that happen a lot round here?"

"You'd be surprised."

"What witty comments?" Marmalade the squirrelboy asked blankly, oblivious to Nikki Zorra's uncontrollable sniggering.

Thom Nightstalker looked up at the hare. "So, uh, what wereyour parents smoking?"

Nikki lost control of her laughter, fell over, and whooped with glee. Several other students were giggling.

"It's a nickname," said the hare coldly. "And I don't think I'm in the mood to take comments about drugs from the creature who once some'ow confused Cluny the Scourge with Krusty the Clown."

"I was _not_ on drugs! I was drunk!" Thom snarled. "And while I'm talking, why isn't my requested weapon here?"

"Mister Nightcrawler-" Luke interrupted.

"NightSTALKER!"

"Sorry, couldn't read my own writing on the register. Whatever-yer-name is, do you honestly think we're goin' to let you bring a Kalashnikov into Mossflower?"

"Why not?" Thom whined.

"Oh, where do I _start?"_

"But there was that fanfic where they had guns-"

"The key word there is 'fanfic', bucko. 'Twas not a canon book, therefore we are not playing by its rules. Unless it's convenient for the staff, but not you."

Thom stamped over to the racks, picked up a spare sabre, and stamped back to the group, muttering about how he should have brought his dad's shotgun, or maybe that wasn't such a good idea considering what they'd done to his beloved bike, and they'd better not have looked under his bed back home while they were at it, and so on.

A scream attracted everyone's attention. Natasja, or possibly Sally, was hopping on one foot, clutching her other foot. Her twin was reaching out to stop her falling over.

"Hey, watch where you step!" Snowspine the hedgehog shouted up at the human twins, waving a spear. "You nearly trod on me!"

"Be _careful,_ Snowspine!" snapped Sally-or-Natasja, pulling spines from her ankle. "You're basically a little walking ball of pointy things at the moment!"

"Hey, I'm not the one who wasn't watching where they stepped around people less than a foot tall!"

"Actually, you kind of weren't watching where you were going," said Fellina Perrfelis. "You looked distracted."

"... yeah, I was, a little," said the hedgehog. "I had a bad dream, and I've been getting a lot of weird feelings this morning. Like ... someone I know well is going through something very bad."

"Nobody you know back home can be going through anything, bad or good. No time passes in the Real World while we're here, remember? And nobody here is going through anything worse than usual."

"I know, but I still can't shake the feeling. And I felt uncomfortable for no reason when I picked up the spear, and I'm getting random feelings of hate towards flowers ..." Snowspine shrugged, and polished the spear-handle with one sleeve. "Ah, it's probably nothing. Let's test-drive this baby." The hedgehog joined the polearms group, waving the spear proudly. Suzi realised she'd spent the whole observation trying not to mentally use pronouns in regard to Snowspine. The Not Applicables were hard to get used to.

"So where's your weapon, Miss Sakura?" Sunflash asked, looking the catgirl up and down - or rather, since she was nearly two feet taller than him, up and further up.

"Oh, I has weapon, sensei!" she declared perkily. "KAWAAAAIIII ... _MALLET!"_

Without warning, Sakura hurled herself at Sunflash, bringing her arms above her head and swinging them down as if wielding an axe or hammer overarm. Unable to stop herself thanks to momentum, she landed flat on her face with a dismayed squeak, several inches in front of him. Sunflash looked down at her and blinked in disbelief as the rest of the group laughed hysterically. Other groups stopped what they were doing to look.

"So your weapon is ... the invisible mallet. Ooo-kay."

"I think she's trying to pull a mallet out of nowhere," said Andrew, pausing in his attempt to swing his quarterstaff properly. "We already knew she's been watching too much anime, so ..."

"Try saying something offensive to females!" Ilex shouted, smirking. "It always works then!"

"Okay. Hey, cat-thing, yer a disgrace to the female gender!" roared Romsca.

"What's offensive about that?" asked Lantur. "It's true. She's also a disgrace to her age-group and both of her species, among other things ..."

Sakura jumped to her feet, ran to the audience, and made the swinging motion again. Nothing happened. Romsca stood calmly under the imaginary hammer as Sakura swung away, getting more and more frustrated. Finally the catgirl's face flushed red, she made another motion as if throwing the imaginary mallet to the ground, stomped her foot, and took a deep breath for a good loud shriek of frustration.

Before she could scream, the tips of two whips wrapped around her neck, pulling her backwards off her feet.

Blake turned around and dropped his weapons without disentangling them from Sakura's neck. "Oops," he said, with an utter lack of sincerity. Most of the class and audience cheered loudly. Sakura gurgled and kicked. Nobody helped her up.

"Miz Fernflower, stop prancin' about there and pick up your weapon!" Luke shouted at the mousemaid, who had spotted Cluny and his lackeys in the crowd (not difficult, as they were perched atop the motorbike and waving flags) and was now leaning faux-nonchalantly against the weapon rack, preening her fur. "And are you chewing something?"

"Mmff ..." Fernflower spat out the stick. "Sorry, sir, the healers said I need that for my teeth or they'll overgrow."

"You can gnaw outside of class, young lady. Where's your weapon?"

"What do I need a weapon for?" asked Fernflower, batting her eyelashes in the rat warlord's direction. "I'm just a cute little girl!"

The way the metaphorical temperature dropped as she said this told her that it had not been the right thing to say. Every staff member, particularly the females, fixed Fernflower with an icy glare.

"Noo! I was joking! I _love_ weapons!" she backpedalled frantically, waving her paws. "Seriously, I'm, like, totally _great_ with stabby things!"

Cluny turned away and started muttering "I don't see her, she's not there, I don't see her, she's not there ..."

"Hello, ladies and gents, how are we doing?" said Mister Kit, slinking up as usual, holding a gracefully-balanced paw-and-a-half sword with what appeared to be a compass set in the pommel. Suzi squinted at him. Was it her imagination or was there an edge to his usual cheery expression? If she hadn't known better, she'd have thought he was hiding something.

Minty bustled through the crowd, hissing angrily into her mobile phone. Suzi caught some of what she was saying.

"... respect your judgment, your majesty, but you can't send _newbies_ out on this! They only just qualified and you're dropping them- they what? Recruited direct from a goodfic, you say? Ah, good, that makes a difference. But still, ma'am, are you sure they can ... alright, I trust you. And I guess we do need everyone we can get. Can you please make sure we stay informed? Thank you, ma'am. Give my regards to the rest of the Flowers." She shut the phone and slipped it into a pocket, then ran her claws through her headfur, took a deep breath, and looked up at the class with a beaming smile which didn't quite reach her eyes and had the unfortunate side-effect of exposing her very sharp teeth. "Having fun?"

Nobody dared to reply.

Kit shrugged and swung his sword. "Just thought we'd come over and see how you were doing. Do you like my 'Southsword'? Typoes are annoying, but they can be useful."

Some of the students giggled, getting the joke.

"I don't go in for weaponry very much," said Minty, flexing her claws. "When one is a wolverine, weapons are a little redundant." Everybeast silently agreed.

"Now I think we need a demonstration," said Kit, looking around. "Ah, Miss Goldenfur, since you're so confident with your prowess at swordplay, perhaps you'd like to help Luke give a demonstration?"

"Meep!"

"Good girl," said Kit, smiling broadly, apparently without irony.

Suzi tottered onto the stage, dragging the sword, legs feeling as weak as her arms. She attempted to take up a fighting stance, grinned nervously at Luke, and said "May I just say I can see where your son gets his coolness from?"

"Flattery will get ye nowhere, miss. Take your best shot," said Luke, twirling his sword as if it weighed nothing. "Just try to hit me, not my swordblade. We're not on stage here - well, we are, but you know what I mean."

Suzi swung her sword wildly, nearly overbalancing. It hit Luke's sword with a loud CLANG. Luke shoved, Suzi's sword flew out of her paws, and she landed heavily on her rump. He leaned on his sword and examined his nails as she scrabbled to pick the weapon up, rubbing her tail, and promptly dropped it again, the hilt landing on her footpaw. The students left their groups and crowded round the stage, pushing and shoving to get a better view.

"Come on, miss, we don't 'ave all day," he said calmly. "In your little stories you seemed to think this was easy."

"Easy for you to say!" Suzi wailed. "You've been doing this all your life!"

"Exactly," said Luke, easily blocking another wild swing and twisting his sword so Suzi's went flying again. She backed up, his swordpoint levelled at her chest. "See, this is what a sword is really like. It's not made of plastic and it's not safely behind a glass case. It's _not _a toy. It's _not_ a status symbol. It's _not_ a humourous metaphor. It's a big sharp potentially deadly piece of metal, and the pointy end is aimed at you."

Suzi opened her mouth to plead for mercy, and screamed as she fell off the stage, landing directly on Bentin the shrew. The slingshot he had been idly twirling released its pebble, which flew off, bounced off Greyscale's swordblade, and hit Maligant in the eye. He staggered backwards, waving his sword, and accidentally jabbed Whitehide in the leg. The white fox howled with pain and swung the flat of his axe against Maligant's head, knocking the ratboy to the ground and incidentally smacking Eryss, Tipardity, and Sandy on the way, only avoiding causing harm with the sharp edge through sheer luck. They turned around and retaliated in kind, striking Whitehide with their claws or the butts of their weapons. Snuffie joined in, the quarrel which had been in Sandy Aesevak's crossbow until Whitehide caused it to discharge now neatly piercing her left ear. Several others attempted to pull them off, and were attacked in turn. Sakura scurried around the field waving her arms and screaming shrilly, knocking several of the smaller students into the thick of the fight. Devin, assuming it was all a game, leapt into the fray, whirling a sling. Nikki Zorra, having accidentally dropped her weapon, picked up Fernflower by the tail and hit Devin over the head with her. Snowspine looked panicked, trying to decide whether to join in, run, or drop the spear and curl up. Greyscale and Shven were stage-fencing merrily, if clumsily, Shven holding one paw behind his back until he wrenched his wrist after a bad swing of his scimitar. Oaknin, Ilex, and Brakken sensibly fled. Louis the snail slid to safety under the stage and cheered everyone on indiscriminately. Twiggy Papaya, Korora and Crystal all flew up into the air, trying to avoid the chaos.

The entire field rapidly degenerated into a brawl. Most of the staff stayed out of the way, but the co-ordinators and a few hares pushed into the mob to break it up. Luke stood on the platform, waving his paws and yelling "NO! BE CAREFUL! REAL WEAPONS! REMEMBER THOSE THINGS ARE _REAL WEAPONS!"_

Suzi sat up, blearily shaking her head and looking at the chaos around her. Oh, cool! Now they were doing a fake fight! Maybe she'd do better with a more even match. She picked up the sword and looked around for an opponent.

Ferin Lightpaw just happened to scurry past at that moment. Her bow wasn't much good for close-range, so she was swinging it wildly to push a path through the crowd and find a way to escape, not wanting to use her backup dagger in case she actually hurt someone. She suddenly found herself confronted by a wild-eyed mousemaid wielding a sword and grinning happily.

"Hey, Su, this isn't funny!" she said, backing up.

"Aw, c'mon!" Suzi pleaded, raising her voice over the shouts and screams around them. "We've gotta practice anyway, why not? It's fun!"

"That thing's sharp! It's not fair! I only have a bow and a dagger!"

"Hey, nobody's really going to get hurt, we're just messing about. I won't try to hit you."

"I saw you use that thing, I'd be less worried if you _were_ trying to hit me!"

"Why you ...!" Suzi spluttered, offended at the barb against her combat skills. She swung the sword and managed, more by luck than judgment, to smack the flat against Ferin's head. The squirrel collapsed, dazed.

"YAAAAAY!" Suzi screamed, punching the air. "Ooh yeah! I am _good_ at this!" She threw the sword up with both paws, twirled on the spot, sang off-key _"You've been hit by, you've been struck b-"_ and fell to the ground as the pommel connected very hard with the top of her head. Her last thought as the darkness closed in was _Note to self; do not throw a sword straight up._

* * *

**[Miss Minty: Yes, fine, we're resorting to coprophagy jokes already. Hey, you can't say you haven't had enough warning. Disgusting Nature Facts are fun! (My personal theory is that Mossflower's hares eat that much in an attempt to absorb enough nutrients to not have to ... well.) On the topic of crude jokes, I still don't know how the hell they got away with publishing that poor hare's name. I can't believe it took me until I was fifteen to notice the problem.**

**The description of sword balance is the best I can do from my fifteen minutes' experience playing with replica weaponry. They feel heavier than they probably are. For the record, I decided I prefer axes. They lack the subtlety of a sword, but who **_**cares?**_

**The "neural fusion" bit owes a lot to the webcomic Suicide For Hire's "neural arrest" scene, though in that case "It occurs in response to hearing the stupidest thing one has ever heard in one's life." I'd also like to thank Sandflame Montmorency's creator for the "Southsword", as opposed to Southsward - if anyone has any more good typoes, send 'em in, please. Lousewort and Sneezewort got to show up because I like 'em and I figure they deserve to appear in something which doesn't swap their names around.**

**I've never actually seen anyone confuse Cluny with Krusty, but when I look at things like "Martian the Warrior" I figure it's probably only a matter of time ... well, maybe not, but I think it's funny, so there. Just in case, I'll warn you; do not post anything on the internet while taking mind-altering substances.**

**Xmas Special may come around New Years' this time. I meant this one to be up faster, but I've been getting used to a new job. Will try and work on speeding up.]**

**[Mr. Kit.: Yes, we did have a brawl. It was only inevitable. You knew it was going to happen.**

As for what Thom has under the bed, we don't know, although Cluny is giggling over it, so it probably is best not to know.

Anyway, Applications are still closed. We have way too many students. As always, we can only focus on a few students at a time.]


	12. Chapter 12: The Truth Comes Out

Suzi sat up blearily, wondering why this kept happening to her. Why did her head hurt so much? Why was everything all dark and smoky-looking?

She looked up to see… oh dear God. A huge set of gates, and a badger standing before them. The badger smiled broadly and launched into a set speech similar to those uttered by waitresses, fast-food-stand workers, and tour guides.

"Welcome to the Dark Forest, my name is Barkstripe and I will be your psychopomp for this morning..."

"My what?"

The badger sighed. "I'm your assistant here. Normally I would be helping you enter, but we don't want to really kill you." Suzi thought she heard him whisper, "Mentally scar yes, kill permanently no," but ignored it.

"Wait..." she said, finally recognizing the place... "This is your AFTERLIFE!" she screamed, finally realizing she was dead.

"Technically, yes, but-" the badger started, but Suzi was sobbing hysterically and tearing at her fur.

"I don't wanna be dead! I'm only sixteen! I never got into college! I never took my driving test! Daniel Radcliffe never replied to the email proposal I sent him!"

"Stop panicking, you won't be dead for long!" Barkstripe said in the most soothing tone he could. "I know it's scary now, but you'll be back down there in a couple of hours."

"Wait, down there? You mean this is HEAVEN? IS MY MARTIN IN THERE?" she asked, her fangirl instincts taking over.

"No, Martin's still alive in the OFUR dimension. Don't worry, you'll be going back there as soon as your body's been rebuilt..."

"Rebuilt? What happened to it?"

"Okay, this is going to take some explaining." Barkstripe sat down, bringing himself slightly closer to Suzi's level. "Your human body is basically on ice at the moment - it's far easier to transport your mind into a specially-built animal body - 'fursona', if you will - than to completely restructure your usual one. That means that we can transfer you into a new one if your current one gets damaged too badly to be of any use. Like, for example, if you throw a sword straight up, the pommel crushes your skull on the way down, then the sharp edge lands on your neck, and _then_ a young wolf lady happens to not look where she's stepping."

Suzi winced.

"We don't like to do it too often, but it's pretty useful to be able to do it sometimes. After all, the OFUR curriculum wouldn't be much use to you if you were dead, would it? And your parents would be a little worried. I'm afraid the mortality rate among students is quite high. Mossflower's a more dangerous place than humans give it credit for."

"Ooookaaaay," Suzi said disbelievingly.

"It'll take a few hours, but you should wake up in the hospital wing some time this afternoon. In the meantime..." Barkstripe produced a scroll and quillpen, "we need you to fill out this form."

"_What?!"_

"Well, resurrection is a tricky business, we need everything written down and organised..."

"I'm _dead,_ can't I have a break from writing stuff down?!"

"Sorry, everyone who gets killed at the OFUR has to fill out the paperwork before they can go back."

"Are you sure this is the equivalent of Heaven? I always did think 'Dark Forest' sounded kind of creepy for-"

"Just fill it out or you don't get to see Martin again," said the badger impatiently.

"Yessir." Suzi took the form and started scrawling away.

* * *

"Miss Goldenfur? Suzi! Wake up!"

Suzi's eyelids flickered open, revealing that she was in the infirmary with Miss Minty looming over her. "Buh?"

"Oh, you're up. Excellent." Miss Minty grabbed Suzi's paw and pulled her upright. "You should be fine now. Try not to make too many sudden movements for the rest of the day."

"...Okay, miss. Whoa, that was a weird dream..." Suzi tottered out of the infirmary, deciding to keep the weird incident secret. This was school, after all, and a closet geek like Suzi quickly learns to keep anything potentially weird under wraps.

This plan met a drawback rapidly, though, as SnuffSnuff was waiting outside, pacing up and down the corridor. She scooped Suzi up, ignoring the mousemaid's yelp of fright, and examined her.

"Oh, thank _something,_ you're okay!"

"Uh... yeah, I'm okay," Suzi squeaked. Being picked up by a nearly-six-foot-tall wolf when one is a three-inch-tall mouse is not fun, especially since Snuffie had developed severe dog-breath since becoming a wolf. "Why wouldn't I be? Hehe. Just a-"

"Mousey, I _stepped_ on your _head._ It was kind of hard to miss that."

"...Oh."

"Yeah, that wrecked the lesson even more than we already had," said Snuffie, putting Suzi down. "Mister and Miss weren't upset at all, actually. They had what was left of your b- I mean, they had you dragged up to the infirmary, passed round the smelling salts, one of the hares bandaged my foot where I stepped on your sword, and then they told us all that they let this happen every year just to show us why we have to be taught how to use weapons safely before we can mess around with them. Still gave us all punishment detail, though."

"Oh, now they're just being mean."

"Well, they did say that was in the job description."

A couple of days later, Suzi was more or less recovered. She decided not to let the incident bother her - after all, everything that happened here was pretty damn weird, so that probably wasn't all that much worse, all things considered.

"Now, can anyone list the differences between rabbits and hares that we've been going over?" asked the teacher. "Yes, Miss Montmorency?"

"Hares are larger, have longer limbs and ears in proportion to their bodies, their ears are black-tipped, mountain hares turn white in winter, and all hares react with violence - sorry, I mean _extreme_ violence - to being called rabbits," the hare recited.

"Very good! Now the Long Patrollers won't have to get me in trouble. Let's start on mice now... who can name the four different types of mice found in the British Isles, and by extension in Mossflower?"

Suzi was tuning out of the class and sinking into a daydream - who cared? They were all mice, right? - when suddenly a slowly rising Dopplered scream of terror caught her hearing. She blinked and wondered if she was imagining it, but going by the expressions on the other students' faces, they were hearing it too.

The teacher went to the door and opened it just in time to see Redtooth run past at top speed, screaming hysterically, fur on end and tears pouring down his face, and vanish around the corner. Minutes later, Miss Minty and Mister Kit hurried around the corner, closely followed by Cluny.

"Did Redtooth just run past here?" Minty asked breathlessly.

The teacher pointed wordlessly in the direction the rat had vanished. Kit and Minty nodded in acknowledgement and ran off.

"We must be getting used to this place," Snowspine said off-pawedly.

"Why do you say that?" asked Senomar, a funny-looking creature who had explained he was a type of rodent called a "squee" from the Myst continuum.

"Well, a teaching assistant just ran past in a hysterical fit screaming something which sounded like 'that doesn't go there', and nobody asked _why."_

"Maybe, although getting hit the first few times you do ask tends to make you lose your curiosity," muttered Korora.

* * *

On the way to the next lesson, Suzi's class couldn't help but notice the large crowd of other students and staff around the doorway of the fourth-floor males' bathroom. Much shouting was going on. Miss Minty and Mister Kit were standing closest to the door, occasionally banging on it with their fists or Minty's cane, and shouting for someone in the bathroom to come out.

"What the heck is happening? Shouldn't we be going to Spellcheck class?" she asked Jess Squirrel.

"Redtooth locked himself in the bathroom and started screaming something about bad touches and bleeding to death. He's been in there for more than an hour now, and nobeast can get him to come out," Jess explained with a frustrated sigh.

Suzi pushed under the larger students to the front of the crowd.

"Oh, come on Redtooth, you know perfectly well this thing is a lot of complete trash," Cluny was saying, tucking a sheaf of printer paper under one arm and starting to tick points off on his claws. "First, you _know_ what I think of that particular process – it's so needlessly repetitive I just couldn't be bothered even trying it, and I don't want to make it look as if I think with my nether regions anyway. Second, I didn't even have to read halfway through this thing to count at least four times you should have been dead from blood loss, choking or just outright terror. There's no fun in doing something that would kill you so soon, even if I had any recognisable reason to torture you! Third, by the time we get to _this_ part-" he unfolded the paper and tapped it, "-it's physically impossible, even if I did want to try it. Fourth, since when did I even own a spear? My tail-barb and a good old steel spike are about the only things I have just lying around the place, I'm not a walking armoury. And fifth, I'd like to think I could pick a better target than _you_ if I did want to do this. For all I know, you're rife with diseases, and-"

"Er, Chief?" came a plaintive voice from the bathroom. "I'm confused here. Are you trying to reassure me, threaten me or insult me? I'm not objecting, I'd just prefer to know how I'm supposed to react…"

Cluny's very thin patience finally snapped.

"Redtooth, get your fat clumsy tail out here _right now _or I swear I will break down that door and I really _will_ jam a spear up your- mmf!" The rat's yelling was cut off abruptly by Kit's paw.

"_Really_ not helping," the fox hissed.

"Cluny, as of this point every unhelpful word from your mouth earns you an hour in the Death Pit Theatre watching Care Bears reruns!" Minty snapped. Cluny's eye widened in horror. "This is getting silly. Kit, where is the master-key?"

"Uh, last time I checked? In the infirmary, somewhere up Stripey Sordfang's left nostril. Apparently Cregga overheard him describing her as an 'old lady' and didn't take kindly to it, and she was already in a bad mood after seeing what they did to her…"

"So, do we talk him out, or bash the door down? I can do the latter." Minty clenched a fist meaningfully.

"Do NOT bash that door down! We made the bathroom doors lock from the inside for a reason, remember the Official Emergency in the year we opened? We might need that function again."

Minty sighed. "Okay, so talking it is. You can handle this, Kit."

"Uh, Miss? What's going on?" Suzi tugged gently at the hem of Minty's skirt, guessing that the wolverine was too distracted to stomp on her.

"Oh, you don't want to know," said Minty distractedly.

"YES WE DO!" shouted Fernflower from the crowd. Shouts of agreement rose up. Minty sighed.

"Fine. In the Great Hall. Later. Not now. Now our priority is getting Redtooth out of there before he panics again and jumps out of the window or something."

Mr. Kit looked down. "You definitely don't want to know, but you'll find out anyway." He grinned a grin that seemed sad, but also evil at the same time.

"Redtooth, for the last time, I would never dream of doing this! It's SAFE for you to come out!" Cluny choked out through gritted teeth, attempting to maintain a pleasant tone despite his rapidly-rising urge to actually perform unpleasantly painful acts upon his frustrating lackey. "If I'd ever, _ever _wanted to do this I'd have done it long ago! If I wanted to make you suffer I can do it in ways which make a lot less mess for me to clear up! Even if I did want to do that, if I tried to do it now, Minty would do something worse to me!"

"Damn right," Minty called over her shoulder. "It's a bad example to the kiddies and a pain to clean up, and we break the laws of physics too often here already."

"And besides, I…" Cluny stopped, trying desperately to find the right words. "I… think… you're…"

Everybeast within earshot turned to listen.

"You're…"

"Ahh. C'mon, Cluny, just say it. You'll feel better afterwards," Kit said coaxingly.

Cluny twitched and forced the words out.

"I think you're a complete blockhead, but… you're… a… _useful_ blockhead!" He sighed and wiped his forehead as if he'd just performed some super-rodentine feat. "Well, that does feel good. Mostly because I'll never have to say it again in the foreseeable future, but there you go."

The lock clicked and the rat-sized door of the bathroom creaked open. Redtooth's whiskers poked out.

"Y-you mean that, Chief?"

"…Yes. And trust me, that is the highest compliment I'm ever going to pay you, so – oof!" Cluny was cut off mid-sentence by Redtooth slamming hard into his chest and throwing his paws around Cluny's shoulders. Happy tears streamed down Redtooth's face.

"I'm glad you've decided to rejoin us today, but could you cut down on the body contact?" hissed Cluny, trying unsuccessfully to pry Redtooth's paws away from his neck. "Warlords do _not_ allow their followers to hug them in public, and you bloody well know that!"

"G-gimme a minute," sobbed Redtooth. "I… I love you, Chief."

There was a shriek from the crowd and Maisie Ann stalked forward, insofar as a plump young ratgirl can stalk. "Put Cluny down, you slimy old rat, he's MINE!" she wailed, ignoring the laughter from her classmates and the expression on Cluny's face.

"No he is so totally NOT!" screamed Fernflower, launching herself at the ratgirl's face. And, once again, the argument descended into a physical fight.

Cluny looked up at Kit and Minty, ignoring the fangirl fight at his footpaws. "Would it be bad form to murder him so soon after what I just said to him?"

"Yes," said Minty shortly. "But you could let him help you murder your fangirls if you both want to take out stress." She sighed and turned to the crowd. "Right, now he's out, I think it's time we explained what's going on. Staff members, and I mean_ all_ of you, back to the staff room. Students, parlay in the Great Hall after lessons this evening. No rumour-mongering in the meantime!"

Mr Kit spoke up. "And we mean it. Anyone that does, well, will help our psychiatrist help out the students and staff who have been traumatised by what has happened."

"Actually, you don't need to tell _all _the staff," Cluny said, kicking Redtooth repeatedly in the groin until he let go and collapsed, then kicking him a few more times for good measure. "I sent one of those things to the Marlfoxes, and I know they check their email about-"

From upstairs came a perfect eight-part harmony shriek of horror.

"Now." Cluny grinned evilly.

Kit sighed. "Cluny, Cluny, Cluny... please, don't. Next you'll tell me you sent something to Matthias and Cornflower, right?"

"Hellgates, no! I want to see _their _expressions first-paw! Hey, I need to get something good out of a public humiliation... Reminds me, give me a minute." Cluny reached down to the fighting fangirls and grabbed them by their necks, then hauled them upright, pulling Fernflower off the ground in the process. He smacked their heads together repeatedly, and hurled them across the corridor. They struck the wall, slid down it, and both slumped on the floor. "Ahhhhhh, that felt good."

Kit listened for a moment, then spoke. "Okay, attention, students. That rumbling sound you hear is the sound of an army led by eight angry Marlfoxes looking for whoever's name was on the email they got. I suggest that you flee before you get caught in the crossfire." He then looked sternly at Cluny. "I take it you used a fake email name when you sent it out? I mean, you don't have your horde with you, and as someone who is good at chess despite having learned to play it only recently, I am sure you don't make foolish mistakes."

Cluny grinned and rubbed a claw on his shirt. "Oh, the chess is nothing, and that idiot's list told me little I didn't already know. I'm not stupid. I hacked into Slagar's account when I sent it to the Marlfoxes, and I used Malkariss' account to send the one about Slagar to Jess Squirrel and the Stump family - didn't send that one to Orlando, though. I'm evil, not suicidal. And then I think it was Pikkle's account I used to send one to Klitch..."

"Uh-oh."

The students looked at each other. Greyscale said what they were all thinking.

"RUN!"

The students scattered back to the safety of the dormitories as the sound of rampaging vermin thundered down the stairs, now knowing what it felt like to be on the receiving end of a stampede.

* * *

The assembly that afternoon was fraught with tension even before Kit and Minty showed up. The students cowered in their seats, trying to avoid the eyes of the staff, who were all carrying assorted weaponry with a certain attitude that suggested they were waiting for an opportunity to use it. The Marlfoxes in particular were looking at each other with expressions of distinct unease. Slagar was hiding at the back of the hall, both eyes swollen shut and one paw in a sling, muttering, "Somebody dies for this." Cornflower was standing beside him, trying to look apologetic, but failing somewhat as she was holding a very big stick which looked worryingly bloodstained.

Kit and Minty stalked onto the stage, looking as if they wanted to get a very awkward and disagreeable task over with the minimum of pain to all concerned. Minty cleared her throat.

"Good afternoon, students. Now I'm sure you all know something unusual is going on. If nothing else, all the screaming should have tipped you off."

"Now, my dears, the reason we've all been... on edge... today is because of a certain extremely prolific young person in the fandom. No, that person is not a student here, but their name is definitely on the list for next year." Minty flexed her cane as she spoke, bending it almost to the point of snapping and easing it back into shape. "We won't go into the details of exactly what they have done, because it's not suitable for the ears of our younger students, but suffice it to say the staff are deeply offended."

The Marlfoxes snarled. "Deeply offended? If the Headmaster had not ordered us to stand down, that person's house would be cinders by now," snapped Mokkan.

"Damn right!" snapped Matthias, one paw resting protectively on Mattimeo's shoulder.

"Dad!" Mattimeo said, sounding embarrassed. "I'm an Abbey Warrior too, you know, I'm old enough to avenge my own reputation!"

Captain Plugg polished his axe on his sleeve and sang quietly "Fiind her, biind her, tie her to a pole and break-"

"Everyone stay quiet!" Minty shouted. "As I was saying, there is no need to panic. The Protectors of the Plot Continuum have everything under control-"

"Under control?" shouted Damug Warfang. "I saw the report, I know who they've sent out on those missions! A bunch of _newbies?!"_

"Two of those newbies were born in Mossflower! Show a little respect, unless you'd like to join them," said Minty sternly.

"What, and have to watch that first-paw? No, thank you." Warfang wrinkled his nose.

"Also, two of the others are graduates of OFUR, so you know they will fight hard for our canon."

Sakura raised her hand. "What's this Protector's stuff? "

"The Protectors of the Plot Continuum, my dear. They kill your Sues." Mr Kit glanced curiously at Snowspine, who had collapsed, clutching hir head and muttering something incoherent. He shrugged and continued. "As we speak, they're taking care of business, and soon reality will be back to normal. Well, as normal as anything ever gets around here."

"But what exactly _happened?"_ Korora asked. "What did this person do?"

Mr Kit looked unpleasant as he replied with two words. "Yiffstar fics."

There was a stunned silence as everyone processed this. Well, stunned on most parts. Marmalade, Sakura, and Aleen merely looked confused. Felana looked terrifyingly happy.

"What about them?" asked Senomar, not sounding as if he really wanted to know.

There was uproar from the staff.

"Well, I don't know where this person learned biology, but last I checked mice don't-"

"-my brother of all creatures-"

"-at least you only ended up with _one_ sibling-"

"-at least you don't have any offspring-"

"-at least yours was physically possible-"

"-thinks I wouldn't save a _child,_ did they somehow miss me saving Felch when I don't even_ like_ him much-"

"-can't even keep my species straight-"

"-dizguzting fluffy warm-blooded thingz, they're only good for food-"

"-tried to get me pregnant, then make me _cry_, I don't know which is worse-"

"-damage the merchandise like that, Malkariss would have my hide-"

"_-four thousand times-"_

"-right on the bloody _walltop!"_

"Please. No spoilering. We will be handing out these fics later to any students who want them, and later on as, er, 'inspiration' for punishment essays. Too bad that there won't be any videos from the agents. The videos would be worth gold for the staff. Snowspine, why are you lying on the floor?"

"My head hurts," came a muffled reply from the curled-up hedgehog. "I can see things... horrible things..."

"Someone take, uh... 'scuse me, which pronouns would you prefer?"

"Try 'xir'," Snowspine suggested, still not uncurling. "They use that for a gender-neutral pronoun online sometimes."

"...to the infirmary, please. And if anyone wants further details, the staff will be, er... happy to provide them, mostly because we told them they shouldn't."

The assembly dispersed, staff still muttering angrily and students still wondering what exactly was going on. Snowspine was hauled up to the infirmary, babbling incoherently.

"That hedgehog needs help," sighed Oaknin.

"I don't know, I think he's happier this way," said Thom. "She. _Xie._ Whatever."

"I was talking about the hallucinations."

"Oh yeah."

* * *

"Um... what is this 'yiff' stuff anyway?" Marmalade asked, blushing, as a gaggle of students headed upstairs to their next class. Aleen Streambattle and the two badger boys tried not to look as if they were listening in, not wanting to admit that they didn't know either.

"Internet slang for furry porn," Thom explained bluntly. "The word's supposedly taken from the noise foxes make while mating. Please don't ask me to explain how I know that. Me, I'm curious as to how the people who came up with the word knew what noise foxes make while... no, actually I _don't _wanna know."

"Ew!" Fernflower pulled a face.

Marmalade looked stunned. "...Wait, THAT's what I said I was writing on that message board? Darn, no wonder I got banned!"

"Wait, you didn't even know what it was? What did you think it was?"

"I dunno, but the older guys said something about it so I figured I'd sound cool if I said I did it... are you laughing at me?"

"Spllfft... yes. Heeheehee!" Thom leaned against the wall to support himself. The others tried to hide their own sniggers.

"You're not very nice."

"See, kid, _that's_ why you shouldn't use words you don't know," Sandy Aesevak said, rolling his eyes. "Hey, what's going on over there?"

Several students were gathering around a folding table, upon which were reams of printouts. A few vermin staff members were handing the printouts around, sniggering uncontrollably as they did so. Students were poking each other in the ribs and muttering things along the lines of ,"Dare ya - you first - no way - mother would kill me", then eventually a few were plucking up the courage to take the printouts and read them. The results were quite impressive; some were staring in utter horror at the words, others were squinting in confusion as if unsure that the printout actually said what they thought it said, and Landred Banwood was curled up in the corner shaking like a leaf and staring at the page she'd dropped as if fearing it would bite her.

Greyscale picked up one of the printouts and read a few lines. A nauseated expression crept over his face, and his scales indeed did turn very grey. "What the hell is _that?"_ he muttered, reading on. "Or _that?_ ...Oh sweet seasons, look at this!" He held out the printout to Sandflame Montmorency, who pulled her ears down over her eyes and turned away.

"No thanks, I value my brain cells," she told him, wincing.

"Awesome! I wanna look!" said Aleen, grinning in the way that only an overconfident eleven-year-old confronted with something he's not supposed to see can.

"No. No you do not. Trust me on this." Greyscale tried to hide the printout behind his back, but Aleen managed to rip it out of his claws.

"Yes I - AAAAUGH! MY BRAIN! MY POOR BEAUTIFUL BRAIN!"

"He did _tell_ you you didn't want to see it," said Sandy to the fleeing otter's back.

"My mom told me you'd go blind if you looked at that stuff," said Fernflower virtuously.

"She was right! Oh God, she was _right!"_ groaned Maligant, unable to tear his eyes away from the printout.

Fernflower's curiosity got the better of her and she hopped up to peep over the ratboy's shoulder. She managed to read three words before she fainted.

"And that wasn't even the one with Cluny," muttered Sandflame, picking up the mousemaid and putting her in the corner where she wouldn't be stepped on accidentally. "Remind me to keep a copy of that one for the next time she's being a pest. Possibly in a locked lead box buried far underground."

"The Sue in this one has her name," Thom pointed out. "Maybe she just couldn't take the thought of someone _else_ writing Sues with that name..."

Felana took another printout and read it calmly. Ash collected on her cigarette as she continued to stare at the printout. She reread it, squinted at it, held it further away, and finally tilted her head and squinted at it again with an expression of puzzled defeat.

"I give up. This thing is _weird."_

Every creature in the room screeched to a halt and stared at her. She stared back.

"What? At least I know how it's supposed to work! Look at this!" She thrust the printout under Ilex's nose. The vixen covered her eyes and turned away.

"Ow! No! Bad! Uterus does not work that way!" Ilex batted the paper away from her face.

"Must... not... look... must... resist... must... keep... cool exterior... oh screw it I gotta look!" Suzi grabbed desperately at the nearest printout, looked over it, and then read it again in the faint hope that she'd misread it. "Ooooo-kaaaaaaaaaay, even by my standards this is kinda strange, but I don't see what's so - oooh, now I see..." She turned the page and read further.

Mice and rats in what is commonly known as the "real world" have a throat structure which makes it impossible for them to vomit. Mice at the Official Fanfiction University are very similar in anatomy to real mice, but not exactly the same; for example, their hipbones are arranged so that it's slightly more comfortable for them to walk upright all the time, though the balance takes some getting used to for new students. On a more relevant note, the insides of their mouths and throats are a little more like those of humans, in order to allow them to speak English coherently. It is very difficult for them to vomit and requires more stimulus than a human would, but not impossible. Suzi discovered all this information, though not in quite as much detail, in a matter of seconds as she ran to the nearest open window, clambered onto the sill, leaned out, and threw up, incidentally hitting a very annoyed sparrow.

* * *

Inside the staffroom, the uproar continued.

"Klitch? Son? You really can stop vomiting now," said Ferahgo, inexpertly attempting to sound soothing. He reached a paw towards his son's shoulder and received a painful blow to the wrist.

"_Don't_ touch me, Dad," Klitch murmured, shuddering. "Still busy puking."

"AAAH! This is the WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!" Veil wailed, tearing at his headfur dramatically.

"Why?" Klitch snapped. "You aren't the one who..." He retched again.

"The PPC couldn't find anything wrong with the one about my parents!" Veil explained, making this sound like the greatest injustice in the history of the universe. He threw down the printed-off email. "Well, they could find some odd bits, but not enough to make it worthy to kill, apparently. One typo and a few weird word uses aren't enough to make it sporkworthy, according to those jerks in the Intelligence department. One of the dummies actually said he _liked_ it!"

"What's so bad about that?"

"Are you kidding? It's _my freakin' PARENTS!"_

"Stop bitching, it didn't have you joining in," snarled Tsarmina. "I swear, if I hear _one_ more pun about my species, I'm going to burn down this entire building, and I may not let the rest of the staff out first."

"Oh, you think you had it bad!" Slagar growled, readjusting his icepack. "You didn't get portrayed as both a child molester _and_ a bad salesbeast in one fell swoop!"

"I resent being called a child!" Mattimeo shouted. Sam Squirrel, Tess, and Tim nodded in agreement. Slagar backed off, not willing to suffer another beating like the two he'd received previously, one from the ex-slaves' parents and one from Nadaz, the rat having spent the whole time yelling at him about shoddy merchandise.

"I think that's the least o' your problems, mouse," Swartt muttered, tilting the printout. "An' this lady has _no_ idea of 'ow ferrets usually do it, does she, Bluey?"

Bluefen started to open her mouth, but was suddenly interrupted by a strangled scream.

"Ah, that'll be Lugworm seein' what they did to him..." Swartt mused.

Lugworm was indeed staring at the printout in disbelief. Sneezewort was sniggering.

"Aww, c'mon, Luggy, it ain't all that bad," the rat said softly, patting the sobbing stoat's back amiably. He glanced back at the printout and sniggered again. "Ole Rose Eyes is 'avin' _fits_ down in the trainin' field, we'd better go stake out the good hidin' spots afore she comes back in…"

Lousewort leaned over his friend's shoulder.

"Wait, 'e did _wot_ wiv 'er _wot?_ Yuck! Why'd he wanna do that?"

There was a long silence, then everybeast who happened to have overheard burst out laughing. Lousewort looked very confused. Sneezewort sighed, slapped his forehead, and placed a paw round his friend's waist, which was as near to his shoulder as he could reach comfortably.

"Matey, I fink it's time we 'ad a talk."

Damug Warfang grinned and turned to face his brother Byral Fleetclaw. "Told you he didn't know. Pay up." Byral grimaced and thrust a small bag, which clinked quietly, into the paws of his smirking brother.

Minty sighed, plucked a delicate silver cigarette lighter and a packet of Black Scopani - the Discworld continuum's best - from her dress pocket, and lit up.

"Minty!" said Kit, sounding hurt. "You promised me you'd stopped smoking!"

"I know what I said. If it's a choice between lung cancer by forty and incurable stress-induced insanity by thirty, I know which one I'm choosing." Minty took a deep drag. Her phone beeped, and she answered it. "Hello? You want to talk to everybeast? Okay, yes, I understand, I'll set up the communication screen." She clicked off her phone and shouted over the din. "EVERYBEAST SHUT UP AND GET THEIR TAILS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! Somebody go fetch Ublaz - how long has he been in the shower now?"

"Not long enough!" came a strangled wail from the staff bathroom. "I can still smell that otter on me!"

"Y'know, yer royalness, this ain't 'elpin' ye with yer 'ole 'I still like girls even if I keep dressin' like one' thing," said Clogg, smirking broadly.

"Oh, that's _it,_ when I get out of here I'm going to stuff your eyeballs up your nose, you insolent-"

"Don't care! Nuffink's gonna ruin me mood today, 'cos none o' that stuff involved me!" Clogg and Vilu Daskar high-fived. Ungatt Trunn smirked and shook a fist in the air.

"Yes, much to _everybeast's_ relief," muttered Badrang, shuddering. "Particularly mine, since I'm the one who spends most time in the book onscreen at the same time as you."

Eventually the staff were calmed down sufficiently to stay quiet. As many as could fit gathered around the screen set in the staffroom wall, those who couldn't perched on windowsills and furniture, each holding their chosen weapons. Ublaz was still huddled inside a thick fluffy dressing gown, alternately shuddering with disgust and picking soap out of his ears. Minty pressed the button, the screen bleeped, and the Sunflower Official appeared.

The Sunflower Official is the head of the PPC's Department of Mary Sues, and is often assumed by outsiders to be the head of the PPC in general. It is in fact not the official head of the PPC, but it is definitely the most well-known of the Flower Officials, and is rumoured to be the oldest surviving one from when they originally entered the Word Worlds after the destruction of their own homeworld. It also happens to be a gigantic telepathic sunflower in a grey suit. By the standards of Fanfiction University universes, this is nothing out of the ordinary.

_Good day to you all,_ it "said", folding its fronds on the desk. _As I have heard, you have been told about the recent unpleasantnesses in your home canon. We apologise for having to bear such bad news, but allow me to reassure you that things are under control here. Ten agents have, ah, let us say "volunteered" to help, so even factoring in potential Medical trips I estimate that the removal will take no more than a week at most. No, don't start complaining, that's the best we can do. We sent out all the agents we could find who __**won't**__ go flamethrower at the sight of the things. We even had to enrol Agent Luxury. _The sunflower shuddered.

"That's not good enough!" snapped Mariel, swinging the Gullwhacker and accidentally concussing Matthias. "I demand vengeance!"

"Me too!" yelled Kurda, brandishing her favourite sword.

"And me!" Grath snarled.

_Miss Minty assures me that the author's name is already on the student list for next-_

"I am NOT waiting until next year!" Slagar complained. "I want to kill her _now!"_ Howls of agreement went up throughout the staffroom.

Plugg started singing again, joined by the Marlfoxes, who clashed their axeblades together in tune._ "-tie her to a pole and break her fingers to splinters, drag her to a hole until-"_

_No! __**No!**__**NO!**_ the Sunflower Official shouted telepathically, a bizarre mental sensation to experience._ For the last time, you are not allowed to physically or mentally harm those fanwriters who are not yet attending your school! Wait until next September, you can drag her in and do whatever the hell you want to her then, but-_

"Sir? Miss? Um... Sunflower Official? You might all want to take a look at this." Dandin handed one of the printouts to Miss Minty, who blinked at it, then showed it to Kit and held it up to the screen. Her lips were tight with rage.

Kit disbelievingly read the highlighted phrase out loud. "I quote: 'I enjoy spelling Mr Jacques' first name Bryan. It possesses a certain archaic flair which appeals to me.'"

The staff looked expectantly at the Sunflower Official, who threw up its fronds.

_That does it. Fine. Go nuts. Just don't permanently kill or maim anyone, and please remember to clean up after yourselves._

A rousing cheer echoed throughout the staffroom.

* * *

**[Miss Minty: Thanks to our new beta-reader, Cassie Cameron-Young, who catches all the typos and continuity errors the two of us miss while we're having too much fun writing it.**

**For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Yes, the fanfics described in this chapter were real. Do not ask me why, because I don't know, nor do I want to. See the poem "Once Upon A Midnight Dreary" on my "Laburnum Steelfang" account at ffnet for a slightly more useful description.**

**Poor Redtooth is kinda starved for compliments. ^_^ The gory little song Plugg was singing is "The Mariner's Revenge", by the Decemberists.**

**We're using the way a character refers to Snowspine as a hint about their characterisation. We use "hir" and "shi" in the author's notes because that's what hir author uses most often. Characters who are polite enough to ask hir what shi wants to be called will use "xir" because that's a neutral pronoun too but, unlike "hir", you can actually tell the difference in the pronunciation, and we'll use that in the prose so it doesn't get too confusing. Well-meaning but misguided characters, e.g. Suzi (who is nice at heart but not the smartest person on earth, as you should have figured out by now) and Thom (who is too lazy to remember the correct way), either use female pronouns or swap around between female and male, and will switch to neutral pronouns when shi tells them often enough that they remember. Characters actively attempting to annoy or upset hir call hir "it", which is rude. No offence meant to those who identify as non-gendered in RL, but the first month at an OFU is **_**not**_** going to be a haven of enlightenment.**

**Virtual cookies for those who can recognise which characters are objecting to what in the string of rants! Stay tuned to officially meet some PPC agents in the next chapter!]**

**[Mr. Kit: Our warlords and woodlanders are adapting to modern tech easily. Although sometimes we do wish they didn't adapt as readily. *sigh***

**Also, before you ask: yes, Cluny found the Evil Overlord List.]**


	13. Chapter 13: Meet the PPC

Miss Minty stalked the corridors, searching for prey. Her chosen prey, since she was a teacher as well as a wolverine, being tardy or absent students. A rattling noise from a nearby storage closet caught her ear, and she stopped to listen to the conversation going on inside it.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Trust me, kiddo, I've done this plenty o' times."

"Is this gonna hurt?"

"Might do when it goes in, but it'll clear up after a second. 'Ey, don't play with that, you'll spill it! I need to dip it in that stuff or it won't work!"

"Sorry."

"Fine … take that off, bend over and stay still."

"Ow! Don't wiggle it like that!"

"Stop squirmin', it'll break!"

"Owwww … sorry. It's the first time I've done this! Things aren't meant to be stuck in people like that. Ow!"

"Ya great baby, I've 'ad that done a dozen times before and I never whined like you're doin'!"

"Yeah, but you're being really rough there! Ow! Stop pulling my fur!"

"Fine. Sissy. How's that?"

"Oww … better. Oh boy, I'm so glad my parents don't know about this. My dad would go nuts, he doesn't approve of-"

"Bah! It's nothin' to be ashamed of, I don't know a single beast who hasn't tried it!"

"Ow! Is it supposed to bleed like that?"

"That tends to happen. It'll stop once I'm done."

"Do you have to push it in that far?"

Minty burst through the door and shouted "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Blaggut leapt upright and dropped the needle. Maligant, still crouching on the floor, grabbed his shirt and looked over his shoulder at the blood and ink trickling down his clumsily-shaved back. "But Miss, I always wanted a tattoo!"

"Fine, it's not my place to stop you sticking sharp objects into yourself and ending up with permanent body modifications – which I can guarantee you will regret in a week's time – but you can't have it done right _now_ because I'm trying to call a special assembly before lunch. Understand?" Minty picked up a sketch from the floor and squinted at it. "So this is what you're having done?"

"Yeah, I drew it myself," Maligant said proudly.

"It's a bee … with a skull for a head … doing a wheelie on a motorcycle … with a naked woman in its lap … injecting itself with something … running over several people … with fire burning in the background … and the words 'UR MOM' written in smoke …"

"Yep! It's not finished yet, he said that was enough to be going on with."

Minty shook her head. Who knew what evil or just plain oddness lurked in the minds of fifteen-year-old furry fanboys?

* * *

The student body gathered in the Great Hall, not sure what to expect. Rumours of the PPC had reached them over the past week, as the staff had practically never shut up about them, but not much useful information had been included. Wild rumours about their extreme methods flew about, mostly blatantly untrue; according to some of the more gullible students, one of the PPC members had apparently taken down half a vermin horde single-handed and slain a captain with his own scythe, and another was supposedly a werewolf known for tearing victims apart with his teeth. Suzi had been able to pick up that it was the job of the Protectors to destroy Mary Sues and other bad fanfics, though, and thus was automatically predisposed to dismiss them as a bunch of snobby geeks.

Mr Kit stood beside the stage, holding a microphone. He tapped on it, cleared his throat demurely, loosened his necktie, and suddenly burst into a most disturbing impression of a carnival barker, shouting into the mike and punching the air for all he was worth.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to our special guests, our brave and bold soldiers straight from the Sue-infested frontlines of the War on Badfic!"

Minty, on the other side of the stage, groaned and rubbed her temples. The students giggled. Kit ignored them and carried on.

"These lovely lads and lasses put their lives on the line to preserve and protect their favoured fandoms, risking life and limb for their literary loves, if you'll excuse my enthusiastic excesses of absolutely awful alliteration! So please give a big paw to the … _Prooooootectoooooorrrrssssss of the Plllloooot Cooooontinuuuuuuum!"_

Fangburn, hidden in a corner, held up a boombox and the Imperial March blared out. The curtain rose, revealing ten creatures on the stage. All but two of them were female, though the spiky-furred fox gave Suzi pause for a moment, and all except possibly the grey-furred weasel looked to be in either their teens or twenties, though Suzi still wasn't very good at telling with furries. All wore black shirts, sunglasses, and jeans, and all had a certain gleam in their eyes and set to their jaws which would have made any potential opponent think twice before challenging them.

A slim red-furred stoat was waving and grinning at the audience, the paw which wasn't waving resting on the hilt of a nasty-looking rapier. Beside her stood the weasel, looking over his sunglasses at the audience, paws busily retuning what appeared to Suzi's eyes to be a very fat guitar. Snowspine, in the row behind Suzi, was squinting at these two as if trying to remember where xie'd last seen them. There was a short black-furred hare with tattered jeans and a pink ribbon on each ear, bouncing on the spot and waving merrily. A sour-looking dirty-blonde-furred rat was hiding behind the hare, seemingly trying to avoid the next creature, who was a rabbit in Daisy Duke cutoffs and a shirt ripped off to show her navel, posing and giggling. A small pile of something orange and hairy turned out on closer inspection to be a dumpy brown-masked ferret huddled under a very oversized fox-pelt, which was no longer so much a cloak on her as a small tent. A smaller darker-masked ferret was whispering and giggling with a messy-furred harvest mouse. Somebeast Suzi was pretty sure was a badger was swinging a backpack back and forth and whistling. Standing next to her was the fox with the cartoonishly spiky headfur and a happy smile, and – this was the part that really held Suzi's attention – an enormous and deadly-looking gun strapped to his back.

Kit climbed the steps stage left, calm and tidy again and clapping in the way that teachers do to encourage students to applaud. "Welcome, welcome. Now why don't you tell us a bit about yourselves? One at a time, please." He held out the microphone.

The rabbit pranced forward and grabbed it out of his paw. "Hell-ooooooooo Mossflower!" she squealed. "I'm Agent Luxury, otherwise known as Lux. You might have heard of me."

Every staff member shrank slightly away from the stage. Luxury continued blithely.

"I don't know much about this fandom, but I'm ready and willing to learn, and maybe I can get a chapter on furries into the revised edition of my book while I'm here. I look forward to getting to know you all!" she said, waggling her ears and eyebrows in a disturbing manner. Several audience members shuddered violently. Lux pranced back and slapped the microphone down in the nearest creature's paw. "Take it away, Naomi-baby."

The badger-like creature put down her backpack and cleared her throat. "Hi, I'm Naomi. In case you're wondering what species I am, I'm a ratel, also known as a honey badger. I picked this as a fursona because they're known for being extremely violent and for attacking the femoral artery rather than the throat when threatened – basically, we go for the crotch. Consider this your only warning. And this guy is my work partner Drake." She gestured to the spiky-furred fox, who took the mike.

"Hiiii!" he exclaimed cheerily. "Nice to meet more furry faces, there's only three of us back in HQ. Not counting their kids, you'll get to meet them later. Most of us on the stage are human, I'm one of the ones who looks like this all the time. I'm actually from a Naruto fanfic, not Redwall – I'm the result of a minor mixup involving a Sue's pet fox which we don't really need to go into now."

"I should warn you all, he's … not too good at social interaction with humans," Naomi added, pulling the mike in his paw towards herself again. "He's my responsibility, so if you have a problem with him, come to me. I'm the only one who's allowed to beat him, got that?"

Captain Plugg raised a paw. "Er, 'scuse me, miz Naomi, when you say he's a he, do ye mean in the 'girl takin' boy-pills for impendin' operation' sense? Or maybe t'other way round?"

Naomi looked at him strangely, and flatly said "No."

"I'm told I look good in a skirt, though," Drake added happily. "And I do have some shapeshifting abilities, but I don't think I can do that on my own ..."

Plugg sagged and started to weep quietly. Sniggers spread around the audience. Suzi sighed with relief, as did several other females.

Thom saw her watching Drake intently, leaned over, and whispered "Don't get your hopes up, he's looking at that weasel guy in a rather suspicious way."

Much to Thom's surprise until he remembered exactly who he was talking to, Suzi punched the air and hissed _"Yes!"_ under her breath.

Meanwhile, onstage, a string of profanities emerged from the rustling foxfur as the ferret fiddled with the fastenings, until it finally dropped off, revealing a sturdy, sleepy-eyed ferret jill with a blonde streak dyed in each side of her brown mask.

"Yo," she said, raising a paw briefly. "M'name's Laburnum. Used to be Laburnum Steelfang, but I dropped the surname when I went back to being mostly human. Ah, I see that the staff still remember my days as 'Sanity-Impaired Steelfang' here a couple of years back …"

As she had spoken, about a dozen of the vermin staff members had tried to hide under their seats.

"Don't worry, boys, I grew out of my glomping phase," chuckled Laburnum. "Now, of course, I have access to the school's security cameras and I'm learning to use Photoshop …"

"Screw you, ya pervert, me an' Thura checked an' the restrainin' order's still valid!" came a shout from the back. Laburnum responded by raising her middle claw in the general direction of the shout and continued.

"In all seriousness, I'm hoping to put my more annoying fangirl tendencies behind me. It's been three years, I'm sure I've matured enough to be decent to everyone and not to repeat the unfortunate incident with the lamp. It's only fair to warn you all, though; I _do_ have Bloodwrath. Please don't provoke it, because if you do, what happens next is your own damn fault."

She passed the mike to the dark-furred hare, who bobbed her ears in acknowledgment. "Hi! I'm Foxglove."

Basil Stag Hare slapped his forehead and groaned "Oh God." There was a "poof" noise and a scroll appeared out of nowhere in front of him. He took it and read "Stop using the Lord's name in vain. Signed, Gabriel." He sighed. Sharing a building with an actual angel was problematic for the furry staff, and had led to many many arguments about "So what religion _is_ this 'Abbey' supposed to be devoted to anyway?" On top of everything else, the characters of _Seven Strange and Ghostly Tales_ tended to be jealous of the Redwall continuum characters, who were far more well-known.

Foxglove, meanwhile, was rambling on merrily. "I'm also hoping to show that I've grown out of my fangirl tendencies – eeee! Dibbuns! Must hug!"

She dropped the mike, jumped down into the front row, and disappeared under a pile of small fluffy things, cooing and hugging everything in sight.

Laburnum shrugged. "She likes cute things. She's just stopped glomping anything which fights back."

Next, the messy-furred harvest mouse introduced herself as Manx. "Since Laburnum's told you about her Bloodwrath, I should point out that I have it too. Please don't laugh," she said, glaring at the sniggering Stripey. "I know I'm only a mouse, but this is Mossflower, so do not underestimate the damage a homicidally-insane mouse can do. Other than that I'm pretty nice. Just don't bring up out-of-character elves around me, I've had a couple of bad experiences."

"And I'm Shadow!" said the dark-masked ferret. "Not you!" she snapped as the canonical Shadow, in the front row, looked up curiously. Cluny cuffed him lightly on the ear. "I work with Manx. We mostly do Lord of the Rings, but we got roped into Redwall for the you-know-whats." Her eyes took on a hunted look. "We had to kill the Cluny fic. I _saw_ what happened to Redtooth in all its unnecessary detail. See what we do for you people?"

"Okay, Shadow, sweetie, that's enough. Time for your magic stop-thinking juice," Manx said soothingly, producing a bottle of something that looked like vodka from her pocket and leading Shadow off the stage. "Excuse us."

The rat sighed and shook her head. "Sorry about them. We're not all drunks." She pulled a hipflask off her belt and shook it to check how much was in it, then shrugged and continued. "My name's Nin Brandt. If you think they had it bad, _I_ had to work with Lux. 'Nuff said. Luckily I didn't get into Redwall till I was already an adult, so I had no childhood memories of it to be ruined. Which is lucky when you consider what I saw happening to it. I'm also responsible for having brought home two kids from this fandom. They're living at PPC HQ at the moment because I wasn't ready to be a mom, but these two guys look after them sometimes." She gestured at the last two agents, of whom the redfurred stoat was the last-but-one to take the stand. She cleared her throat and clicked her heels together in a military fashion.

"Good morning, students. I'm Agent Skyfire, and this is my partner Stormsong-"

"AAAAAAAACK!"

Snowspine leapt out of xir seat, ran down the aisle, inadvertently stabbing several students with xir prickles on the way, and fled the hall. A long awkward silence ensued.

Skyfire blinked and looked at Mister Kit, who shrugged and said "That happens sometimes. Carry on."

"Um. Well." Skyfire shuffled her footpaws. "Anyway, we were both actually born in Mossflower, in a fanfic – it's called Vengeance Quest, you might have heard of it."

"Hey, yeah!" blurted out Maligant. "Isn't he the one who- aaaaargh!"

"And we must point out that anyone releasing spoilers for that story will be dealt with," said Kit smarmily as Maligant struggled to remove his head from a Mini-Deepcoiler's mouth. "It's rude."

Skyfire rubbed her temples and groaned. "Apparently I'm not going to be able to get a full speech out …"

"Oh, worry not, we have as much time as we wish ahead of us to let them become acquainted with us," said the grey-furred weasel, swinging the strange-looking instrument onto his back and taking the mike. "Good morrow to all!"

Fernflower clasped her paws and cooed. "Aww, they make such a cute couple. Mixed-species relationships are so sweet, aren't they?"

Thom sighed, leaned over, and whispered "You've never read Vengeance Quest, have you?"

"The one with the squirrel? Well, I _tried,_ but it was really scary!"

"Never mind. I'll ask Snowspine to give you a summary."

* * *

As tends to happen in a building of improbability, the agents all rapidly got lost. Splitting up into small groups, they each tried to make their own way to the staff quarters where they had been given rooms, distracted as they went by various favourite characters and interesting landmarks along the way, not to mention by the delicious food they'd taken from the lunch table to snack on as they walked.

Nin had ended up being followed by Lux, and was pointing out various famous names as they passed them in order to distract Lux from her usual pastime of making lewd comments and grabbing things that Nin did not want to be grabbed.

"The sorta punk-looking ferret's Fragorl – see, the one with blue fur and a nose ring?" she said, trying not to spray oatcake crumbs as she ate while talking. "The short fat mouse in green is Gonff the Mousethief. The fox with the yellow fur and weird tattoos is Ruggan Bor, and I'm guessing the hare who's shadow-boxing over there would be Stiffener Medick – oops." Nin realised her mistake as the name left her mouth.

"'Stiffener Medick'?" said Lux, eyes widening and a wicked grin spreading over her face. "Now there's a guy with big shoes to fil-"

One of Stiffener's boots, which were indeed very large what with him being a hare, connected solidly with her ear, then pressed gently into her throat, holding her to the floor.

"Good afternoon, Miz Luxury," he said politely, touching one ear in the manner of a gentleman tipping his hat. "I'd just like to say right now that if you should 'appen to make any more jokes about my name, I will regrettably be forced to murder ye. A vague warnin' is nobeast's friend, as Joss Whedon said."

Lux, surprisingly calm for someone whose life had just been threatened, nodded as well as she could with a hare's foot on her throat and threw a clumsy salute. "I hear ya." She looked at Nin, who was staring, and shrugged awkwardly. "Don't worry, I get death threats a lot."

Laburnum glanced round the corner at them and sighed. "C'mon, Stormsong, let's not go this way. You do _not_ wanna run into Lux if you can help it."

"Indeed not. I have been here long enough to have picked up- what on earth is that noise?"

Stormsong had become used to unpleasant shocks recently, so he didn't scream when he turned around and saw Foxglove came charging down the corridor, sabre and dagger both aimed directly at him, yelling "HEY GUYS, LOOK WHAT BOAR GAVE ME!" He darted out of the way and she screeched to a halt just before she slammed into the wall, then spun neatly on her heel and presented the weapons for examination.

"Whoo! Reward for our hard work?" Laburnum asked, running a finger along the flat of the swordblade.

"Yep. Pretty, ain't they? I got another dagger as well," Foxglove said, twisting her hip to show off the second dagger sheathed on her belt. "It's just hard to hold them all at once. I think I'll call my new sword Choppy."

Stormsong gave her an odd look. "Foxglove, a duelling sabre is not a chopping weapon."

"I know, but I already used Pointy and Stabby for my daggers, Slicey doesn't roll off the tongue quite as well, Impaley just sounds stupid, and I think we can forget about Slashy without going into too much detail."

"Good point."

"They said they'd be willing to make new weapons for all of us if we wanted them," Foxglove added. "If you don't want weaponry I'm sure they can find something else for a gift. Just ask. Lady Cregga in particular _loves_ us at the moment, she's a little disappointed she didn't get to kill the Sue clone of herself but she's glad it got done …"

Unfortunately, around that point Felana Tanzanite turned the corner, listened to Foxglove's voice with a strange expression on her face, and then interrupted with a shout of "My God, I know you!"

Foxglove looked up at the tiger-leopard, stared in confusion for a few minutes, then seemed to recognise her. Their expressions settled into identical scowls of mutual loathing.

"I see you haven't changed much, except for the fur," Felana continued coldly.

"I see you _have._ Nice species choice, you realise you're a walking supply of jokes about p-"

"Now, _Violet,_ don't be vulgar. So how's life treating you since you left-"

Foxglove weighed maybe a hundredth as much as Felana did, but the impact from the hare striking her chest was still enough to knock the big cat off-balance, possibly helped by the fact that she was wearing stiletto heels which really hadn't been designed for paws. Foxglove rested one footpaw on Felana's shoulder and hooked the other between the only two fastened buttons of her blouse, plucked the sabre from her belt with one paw and rested it just above Felana's eyelid, and her other paw found a piercing and _wrenched._ Felana's eyes bulged.

"Do not ever bring that up again," Foxglove hissed. "As far as you're concerned, Violet isn't here. Agent Foxglove is. If you ever mention that, or my real name, ever again, I will deny everything and I will not rest until every student in this building is convinced that your human self is a thirty-five-year-old man. I'd advise you to answer verbally without nodding, considering where my swordblade is."

Felana made a shrill squeaking noise.

"I'll take that as an agreement." Foxglove let go, hopped down, dusted off her paws, and walked back to the group as if nothing had happened.

"… do you know her from school or something?" Laburnum asked.

"Something like that," said Foxglove uncomfortably. "We, er, were in hospital together for a while."

"Ah. So, _is_ her human self a thirty-five-year-old man?"

"Nope, but her real first name is Mildred. Don't tell her I told you."

"Really? Sheesh, no wonder she's overcompensating."

"Well, she was about three years younger, fifty percent less skanky, and plus a lot of nicotine withdrawal symptoms when I last saw her, not to mention minus the fur, but it's definitely her. She has the same stupid smug expression and bad fake accent …"

Suddenly a very shiny blur knocked Laburnum back to the ground. She was too surprised to do anything but yelp as she landed painfully on her back. The shiny blur turned out to be a young male ferret with metallic-silver fur, who had pinned Laburnum's forelimbs to her sides in a bear-hug and was grinning happily.

"Hi! My name's Fallo!" he said cheerfully, ignoring the other agents completely. "Nice to meet you! You look nice, I like your fur." He unwound one paw from her waist and stroked the blonde-dyed streaks on each side of Laburnum's brown facial fur.

Stormsong and Foxglove blinked, stunned, but their shock was nothing to Laburnum's.

"Er … have I just been _glomped?"_

"Yeah!" said Fallo happily, wagging his tail like a puppy. He buried his snout in her neck and kissed the fur. Foxglove hid her giggles and Stormsong watched in horrified expectation of Laburnum's reaction.

"I fear to watch, and yet I cannot turn away," he murmured to himself.

Fallo, still totally ignoring the audience, continued; "Aww, don't be like that, honey. C'mon, I'll let you up in exchange for a kiss."

"Oh, you'll be lucky, you little _hey get your paws off that!"_

Next thing Fallo knew, he was flat on his face, Laburnum's knee digging into his side and one forelimb twisted painfully up his back.

"Fallomous Staggertail, right? Miss Minty warned us about you," Laburnum hissed in his ear. "Wait, your pen-name's familiar, don't I know you from some message board or other I used to go on?"

"You're _that _Laburnum?" Fallo squeaked. "Yeah, I do know you!"

"Do you indeed? Then you should know that I'm not for glomping," Laburnum told him. She moved as if to release his arm, then suddenly moved her other paw and tickled his ribs. He squealed and tried to squirm away, but Laburnum kept hold of his paw and continued tickling him. He tried to push himself up, but his elbows gave way and he flopped back to the floor, giggling wildly and begging for mercy. Laburnum let go of his forelimb, stood up and took a step back.

"Now, Fallo my lad, I'm willing to let this little incident go," she told him pleasantly. "I've had some … minor bad experiences, and I didn't like being grabbed unexpectedly even before that, but there's no way you could know that, and I guess you didn't mean any harm. I know you have social difficulties sometimes and I _know_ it's hard because I've been there myself, and I really would like to get along with you. But you pull this _come-wiz-me-to-ze-casbah_ routine on me again, and I'm _still_ going to rip your teeth out. Through your rectum. Do we understand each other on this point? Yes? Good? Then up you get and we'll say no more about this." She hauled the whimpering ferretboy upright and shook his paw firmly. "Okay, see you around. I'm just gonna go to the bathroom, won't be long, guys."

She walked off, humming cheerfully as if nothing had ever happened. Fallo watched her leave, rubbing the bruise on his face.

"She must like you," said Foxglove.

"That was LIKING me?!"

"Trust me, boy. If she allowed thee to _live_ after that, she doth like thee. I fully expected her to break thine arm at the very least."

Fallo, like many teenage boys, unfortunately registered only the parts he liked. He clasped his paws and his eyes filled with happy tears. "She _likes _me?"

Stormsong and Foxglove looked at each other as Fallo skipped away, whistling snippets of various Beatles songs. "Thank God Sky went on ahead," muttered Foxglove. "I don't wanna know what a woman with horde-honed reflexes and a healthy fear of indecent harassment would do to him, even if she did feel bad about it later …"

Unfortunately for Fallo, Manx and Shadow were coming around the next corner. He stopped and glanced at Shadow.

"Hi! You're Shadow, right? … How old are you?"

"Um, fourteen. Is that important?"

"Nah, I'm still sixteen, close enough," said Fallo, shrugging, and pounced. What happened next was not the least bit fun for him, but it was definitely fun for Manx and Shadow, who were still reeling from the destruction of the Cluny fic even after two weeks' vacation, not to mention Manx's recent kidnap at the hands of some very out-of-character and decidedly murderous Lord of the Rings elves, and needed someone to take it out on. Screams of pain echoed through half the building for several seconds before degenerating into whimpers. Foxglove chuckled as the sound died away.

"Poor guy, hope he picks up some survival skills … what's going on?"

A different kind of yelling, in a very familiar voice, was coming from up ahead. This yelling sounded angry. A look round the next corner showed it to be Naomi, in the middle of a row with a small yellow-furred mousemaid with a black stripe down her head. Skyfire was leaning against the wall nearby, fiddling with her sword and rolling her eyes.

"I don't care if 'it's an Alternate Universe fic', I cannot imagine any circumstances in which the Abbeydwellers would allow Count Chocula to be brought within a mile of the building even if they were living in a time when it had been invented!" Naomi was shouting. Unfortunately for her point, as she finished the sentence Blaggut ran past with a bowl of the aforementioned cereal, screaming his head off, as Drake pursued him with the very large railgun he'd been brandishing at the assembly. He saw Naomi and screeched to a halt when he realised she was glaring.

"What? He tried to poison me!"

"Drake, I know chocolate's not good for you, but _he _didn't know that, and I doubt you'd die instantly from eating it anyway," Naomi groaned.

The mouse girl bent down and picked up a dropped piece of Count Chocula, pointed at it accusingly, and said "See? See?"

"Blaggut doesn't count as an Abbeydweller, he only stayed there for about three days-" Naomi started to argue again.

"Hey, I've heard of you!" said Laburnum, reappearing just in time to miss the interesting bit. "Suzi Goldenfur, right?"

"How do you know?" asked Skyfire curiously.

"I've seen her around on LJ and ffnet. I figured it had to be you – perky goth, mouse fursona, blonde, looks like she left her brains in a drawer-"

"Hey!" Suzi spluttered indignantly.

"Hey, yeah!" said Drake. "Naomi, wasn't she the one who you told me about who posted a recording of her phone conversation with Brian Jacques on her livejournal?"

"Yep. His side of the conversation pretty much amounted to 'where the hell did you get this number?'" Naomi recalled. "Where _did_ you get his number, anyway?"

Suzi glared, blushing. "Found the Liverpool area code and called every possible combination of numbers until I got the right one. He didn't seem too happy."

"I cannot imagine why," said Stormsong innocently. "Amusing as this conversation may be, our presence is required in the staff section." He mock-bowed and extended a paw to Skyfire. "Dost thou wish for an escort, fair maiden?"

Skyfire chuckled and took his paw. "Oh please, I'm the warrior here. If anything, I'm escorting the rest of you."

"Manners need bear no resemblance to reality."

The agents left, Suzi watching them as they went. More precisely, watching Drake. For a predator, he _was_ cute, but the unfamiliar self-preservation instincts that were slowly awakening within her since her arrival at the OFUR told her that maybe he was better viewed from afar. Very, very far.

* * *

Eventually, the ten agents made their way to the staff room. They sprawled on the overstuffed sofas, resting their footpaws before going off to their rooms to unpack. Shadow and Manx made a beeline for the coffee pot and came back clutching steaming mugs as big as their heads. The OFUR, like the canonical Redwall Abbey, doesn't stint on the cosy little comforts, although the canonical Abbey does not stock non-acorn-derived coffee.

"So, the big party starts at dawn tomorrow. We should probably skip dinner and go to bed early. Redwall parties tend to last a long time and they look at you funny if you don't eat a lot, so don't bother trying to stick to a diet here," Foxglove explained to Lux.

"Then they will have to 'look at me funny'," said Stormsong, plucking idly at his lute. "Food would merely take up space. I intend to spend tomorrow drinking until I forget why I wished to be drunk."

"Oh, quit the depressed artiste routine, we're supposed to have fun!" said Skyfire, starting to sharpen her sword.

"Drinking until I forget most of my life _is_ fun, or hast thou forgotten the details of my life?"

Drake popped up over the back of the armchair. "Aww, sounds like someone needs-"

"Drake, hug me and I shall remind thee forcibly of the difference between _reformed_ vermin and _neutral_ vermin."

Drake pouted. "No fair. You saved my life, I owe you …"

"You can repay him by not hanging off him. Fox smell still gives him flashbacks." Naomi quietly gripped Drake's shoulders and led him towards their new room. Most of the others made their excuses and headed for their own rooms, leaving Foxglove, Manx, and Shadow the last in the room.

"So, I heard you beat up that silver-furred ferret kid," Foxglove said conversationally.

"Yeah, but what about what you did? Single-pawedly taking down a seven-foot leopard thing?" Manx grinned.

Foxglove giggled. "I met her once before. She's had that coming for about three years now."

"You rock," Shadow agreed, shaking a fist in salute. She sipped her coffee, and then something else occurred to her. "So, is it true that your real name is Violet?"

Foxglove's glare could have frozen the coffee in the mug.

* * *

**[Miss Minty: We aten't dead! Sorry it's been so long. We've had work, uni, driving tests, etc …**

**Not all the PPCers will be regular characters, don't worry – we already have too many. Several of them will show up on occasion, though. The rumours about them are not **_**exactly**_** true.**

**The bee tattoo design is based on a discussion on Livejournal's mock_the_stupid community. Basically it boiled down to whether a bee tattoo was an "offensive" image, and someone decided to come up with one that was.**

**Lux doesn't have a set fursona and in the missions she appeared as a fox and a weasel. Of course she had to be a rabbit this time. The book she has written is entitled "Your First Time", and further details are probably unnecessary.**

**S&S originated in "Vengeance Quest", posted by Snowspine under the pen-name Sounasha on ffnet. Check it out if you have a fairly strong stomach for violence. Spoilers will ensue in future chapters, but not for anything too big. For those who haven't read it, in case you haven't picked this up: They're Not A Couple.**

**Further details on Foxglove's past forthcoming in later PPC and OFUR installments. Oh, and if you think any of your characters may have met any of the other characters prior to their student days, we're open to discussing it. Some of them are English and some American so they can't all have run into each other, but we can probably work something out if you want. We figured it was safe to use Felana for this without asking because she wasn't actually based on an actual person.**

**The "Count Chocula" thing is a reference to the infamous Harry Potter fic "My Immortal", which heavily inspired Suzi's overall persona; fascination with "goffikness", every guy in her fic being in love with either her or each other depending on how she's feeling that day, getting the character's names wrong, stupid puns (she has her sword thing, MI has the "she looked like a pentagram of Lindsey Lohan and Hilary Duff" instead of "a cross"), etc. At least Suzi can spell slightly better and in her fics Badrang doesn't "hath telekinesis".**

**As for the comment about what the Abbey actually worships; if you think we're opening up THAT can of worms, you're more gullible than I took you for. I don't think here is the place for a religious debate, even a fiction-based one. We're just in it for the cheap gags.]**

**[Mr Kit: Well, a lot has happened now. Guess we shall have to see what happens next, no? Looks like thigns are proceeding as normal, although with OFUs and PPC, normal is different from the, er, typical. Stay tuned for the Purging Party next chapter.]**


	14. Chapter 14: The Purging Party

As the dawn sunlight crept over the floor, the unbearably long speech finally came to an end.

"… and so, for outstanding services to your fandom, you are all hereby presented with the Urple Heart Medal, and may you bear it with pride," Mister Kit concluded. He and Miss Minty walked down the row of ten agents standing to attention on the stage at the front of the Great Hall, stopping in front of each one to pin a medal on his or her shirt. The medals consisted of an Urple heart on a Wilver ribbon, but despite their hideousness the receivers swelled with pride as they were pinned on. Half-hearted applause from the students was drowned out by the frantic clapping, stamping, and howls of approval from the staff and other PPCers in the audience.

Stormsong, Skyfire, Laburnum, Foxglove, Drake, Naomi, Manx, Shadow, Nin Brandt, and Luxury all smiled, waved, blew kisses, waved their paws in the air and cheered, or otherwise expressed their joy.

"If I may say a few words?" Skyfire said quietly to Miss Minty. The audience members who heard her groaned, expecting another interminable speech … or, horror of horrors, ten speeches. The stoat stepped forward and took the proffered microphone.

"Now, we discussed whether we should make some sort of speech at this point to show our pride and appreciation," she said, causing the students to groan again and roll their eyes. "But we all felt that would be boring, and thus against the spirit of everything a Redwall feast stands for. On with the party!"

Every creature in the audience cheered louder than ever and ran for either the dancefloor or the food. The Plot Protector's Purging Party had officially begun.

* * *

"... and do we have enough alcohol?" Minty asked again.

"We have vermin and Protectors in the room, we can never have enough alcohol," Kit told her patiently. "But we know where to get more, as I explained the first fourteen times last night."

"And we did make sure that the cooks cut all the vegetables and suchlike into discs, not sticks?" Minty asked, checking something off on a clipboard. "Just to be safe, I don't want Redtooth to run screaming like he did when he saw me smoking. Honestly, you can only take Freudism so far before it ceases to be funny ..."

"Yes, Minty dear ... wait." Kit stopped and sniffed. "I can smell burning. Burning is not good."

Over the racket made by the music, screams could be heard. This was nothing unusual, but one particular set of screams stood out.

"OW! Stop pulling those, they're attached! What are you NONONO NOT THE FIRE NOT THE FIRE _AARGH!"_

Stormsong and Skyfire overheard this noise as well, and being extreme examples of Reformed Vermin (term courtesy of one Ms Katie "Snowfur" Sullivan) immediately ran to help.

The source of the noise proved to be a young albino hedgehog of indeterminate gender, strung upside down over a heap of glowing coals. Several vermin were standing around, licking their lips. The ominous feel was lessened somewhat when one realised the identity of the small white objects impaled on the hedgehog's spines, but this didn't make the mustelids any less indignant.

"What on earth is going on?" snapped Skyfire in her best Angry Subcaptain voice. "Stop that at once!"

"Marshmallowroast!" declared Raventail, grinning broadly and snapping off one of the hedgehog's candy-laden spines. "Kye arr, youwant?"

"That's horrible! Let the poor creature go, how can you be so cruel to, um ...?" Skyfire trailed off quizzically.

"Snowspine, miz, 'edgepigname Snowspine."

The name sounded vaguely familiar …

"... _Ah,"_ said Stormsong in tones like a slamming tomb door.

The hedgehog chuckled nervously. "Uh. Hi, guys. Sooo, uh ... you're alive. How's that working out for ya?"

Stormsong ignored xir, turned to Raventail, and said "I think I shall accept thine offer." Raventail grinned, snapped off another spine full of marshmallows, and handed it over. The weasel munched reflectively. "Mmm."

"I suppose a little sympathy would be too much to ask?" the unlucky Snowspine grumbled.

"Tell me, dear heart; have large pointed objects taken up residence in parts of thy body without permission?"

"Not that I've noticed, though I'm kind of worried about what they're planning with this spit when they run out of candy …"

"Don't be silly, you can't spit-roast hedgehogs," said Skyfire. "Hedgehogs have to be baked. Ooh, pink marshmallows." She took a spine and nibbled.

"Then yes, it _would_ be too much to ask," said Stormsong, ignoring her. "Fare thee well."

The mustelids calmly turned their backs and started to walk away.

"DAMMIT, YOU BASTARDS! I DID _NOT_ WRITE YOU TO BE THIS CRUEL!" wailed Snowspine.

"Oh, come on, Mum, these are rather unusual circumstances!"

"'Mum'?!" Snowspine mouthed indignantly, before being silenced by a poke in the face from Raventail's claw.

"Yew shurrup, 'edgepig, shurrup or …" Raventail trailed off as the current song ended and the familiar irritating strains of the Macarena started to play. His whiskers twitched, then he and his companions ran for the dancefloor, whooping and cheering. Snowspine struggled ineffectively, coughing and sneezing from the smoke.

An upside-down vulpine face appeared. Close inspection showed it to actually be the ferret agent Laburnum buried somewhere in her fox-pelt.

"Hi. Need a paw there?"

"No, I just love hanging upside down and suffering from smoke inhalation while being insulted by figments of my imagination. Carry on, I don't mind."

"Heh. Sorry 'bout that, I can guess it was kind of a shock. I work with your guys and they're normally pretty nice."

"You what? How are you working with them? Why? What? Why are they here?"

"Long story." Laburnum stomped out the fire and started to untie Snowspine's ankles. "There, can you stand up? I'll get your wrists … there. Want some help getting rid of the marshmallows?"

"Yeah, thanks …" Snowspine turned around and let Laburnum pluck the sweets off xir spines. "You're not one of mine too, are you? I don't remember you."

"Nah, I'm from the Real World as much as you are."

Snowspine blinked as something odd about the fox-pelt registered in xir mind. "Does that fox skin you're wearing have three arms?"

"Yep. Bad case of -Ing Disease. Rakey here used one too many present tense verbs in a sentence. Looked weird, but it makes for a nice weapon belt for me, at least when I'm human and it's human-sized. Right now it's not very comfortable, but I didn't wanna leave it behind 'cos it's the spoils of war, y'know? There, I think that's the last one."

"Well, thanks for-"

Snowspine was abruptly cut off as Laburnum spun xir around and punched xir in the face.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?!"

"Dammit, your creepy little monsters practicallykilled me!" screamed the ferret, aiming a left hook at the unfortunate hedgehog without regard for the spines already piercing the knuckles of her right hand. Foxglove ran up and grabbed the ferret's shoulders.

"Burnsey! No! This is one time when violence won't solve anything!"

"Fox, they tried to_ eat_ me! On my _birthday!_ They got me in trouble with Makes-Things and the SO! They confused my ego! They called me a monster! They stole my only pair of shoes! One of 'em _pissed_ on me, Fox, I swear he did! VENGEANCE! _I DEMAND VENGEEEAAAAAAANCE!"_

"You got your vengeance! Do you know how many times I had to wash my hands after that thing with the scythe?"

The ferret was dragged away by the hare, kicking and screaming all the way.

Snowspine shook xir head. Nope, not one of xirs – no character xie'd ever written was _that_ strange.

* * *

"Felana's not here," said Suzi, glancing around the room. Felana was hard to miss, being several times as big as most of the students and staff. "I heard about what that hare with the pink ribbons did to her, d'you think she scared her off?"

"Oh, she's probably still just putting her makeup on or something," said Oaknin airily.

"Putting her makeup on? If she puts on any more than she usually wears her neck's gonna snap under the weight. Not that anyone'll miss her much."

"Oh, you can talk," said Zeph Zefire, who was wearing layer upon layer of pink frills and lace and about a metric ton of sparkly costume jewellery in a frantic attempt to look as feminine as possible. "Do you single-handedly keep Max Factor in business?"

Suzi pouted. _"Hell_ no. This is Urban Decay."

Thom, drink in paw, wandered up. "Hey, Suze, was wondering where you … what the hell are you wearing?"

"Oh, you like these?" Suzi gestured at her black jeans, which were so covered in chains and buckles and studs that it was only the fact that they were two sizes too small that kept them up. They had been clumsily cut open at the back to make room for her tail and then, with some assistance from a sniggering Ferin, the waistband had been stapled back together. "They were a present from my friend Rayvyn back home …"

"Isn't that zipper broken?"

"It's grunge chic!"

"I didn't even know they made Winnie the Pooh underwear in your size-"

"Stop looking at my underwear!"

Meanwhile, the co-ordinators were having a conversation similar to the beginning of the one described above.

"I can't help but notice a certain oversized feline appears to be conspicuously absent."

Kit chuckled nervously. "That's what I wanted to tell you. I saw her leaving with, um … Lux."

"Really?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Excellent!" Minty clapped him on the back. "Get some staff members to help, find out which room they're in, shove a few bottles of very strong alcohol through the door without looking in, and then block the door with as many large heavy objects as you can find!"

"But … tiger … Lux chose to be a _rabbit_ … how …?"

"That's why I said 'without looking in', Kit dear."

* * *

Drake was having the time of his life. The music, the crowds, the food, the lack of Naomi yelling at him, lots of new friends who for some inexplicable reason mostly seemed to be female foxes who kept giving him drinks and whispering to each other …

A painfully loud squeal broke through the general noise and he found himself swept up in a hug.

"EEEEEEEEEE! Ickle kitsune-kun so kawaii!"

"Ow," Drake squeaked, struggling in Sakura's grip. If it wasn't for the fact that he was rapidly running out of oxygen, he wouldn't have minded so much. It reminded him a little of his cubhood as a Sue's Cute Animal Friend. She had never picked him up by the neck, though.

"Okay, okay, don't break him!" Naomi snapped, prising Sakura's paws off him. "I'm the only one who's allowed to injure the foxboy, okay?"

"Hai, stripey-chan!" Sakura cheeped, dropping Drake into the ratel's paws and bouncing cheerfully.

"Ooh, you speak Japanese?!" Drake said in a tone disturbingly similar to Sakura's squeal. He clasped his paws together and bowed neatly. "Hajimemashite, nekojo! Watashi no namae wa Drake desu, o-namae wa nan desu ka?"

Fortunately for her, Sakura managed to guess from context what Drake had asked. "Um … watashi namey-wa Sakura-chan day-sue?"

Drake completely disregarded her clumsy mumbling of the language and continued to gabble on in Japanese, Sakura nodding or giggling at moments which she thought were appropriate. Given that most of the females he'd met that day had completely ignored what he'd actually said in favour of either mentally squeeing over him, wondering how fast they could get out of range of the railgun should he snap, or enviously plotting his messy death, he didn't notice until Naomi whispered in his ear "She doesn't understand a word you're saying, you know."

"Doesn't she?" he whispered back. "She seems happy enough …"

"Look, you want proof, ask her this …"

Drake listened to Naomi, then turned back to Sakura and shot off another question in Japanese. Working purely on his expression, Sakura guessed he was expecting agreement, and once again she bounced and squealed "Hai!"

Drake blinked. "Do you know that you just agreed to sell me your left kidney?"

* * *

Much later, it was getting close to midnight and most of the Dibbuns were in bed, but Molly Rath, adopted child of Agents Stormsong and Skyfire (much to their eternal horror), had managed to crash the party. The ways of the verminous Dibbun are subtle and carefully calculated to get them into the place in which they can cause the most trouble, and when teen and college-age partygoers see small cute things wandering through a party, they invariably give them food and booze. Molly had been at the party for ten minutes and was already feeling woozy and pleasantly over-full. Her short harsh life had not included many occasions when she felt too full, so she filed it away in her happy memories and continued to eat the nibbles given to her by girls going "Awwww, she's so cute! Does oo want a sweetie, ickle fewwet?" or boys going "Hey, let's see what happens when we give the kid beer!"

A very familiar scent hit her nostrils, but it took a while to work through the haze of food and beer. A small but tough-looking adult male ferret with a heavily-tattooed face was leaning against the table, sipping ale and chatting with some other vermin. He turned when Molly stumbled up against his leg, and gasped "Oh my goodness … this must be the one they told me about."

Molly looked up at Sawney Rath in fright as his eyes filled with tears of mixed emotions. He sniffed. "I can't believe it. Fine, she's not a Taggerung, but … but she's mine … she's so lovely … they told me all about what she did to that man in London, even if she's not Taggerung she'll grow up great!" He put down his beer and scooped up the astonished Molly as the other vermin looked at each other and, by unspoken consent, backed away. "C'mere, little one. I still can't believe I finally have-"

Everybeast looked up as a horrible ripping noise followed closely by two very loud screams cut through the music.

"AAAAAAARGH! MY ARM!"

"_MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_ HE TRIED TO DO IT AGAAAAAAIN!"

Stormsong slapped his forehead. "Skyfire, couldst thou take care of our wayward foster-cub? I suddenly feel the need for more alcohol."

As he reached the drink table, he saw Redtooth huddled in a corner, muttering irritably and nursing a pint mug full of something which smelled far too strong to be beer. Once again demonstrating that he was far too nice for his own good, the weasel looked over his sunglasses at Redtooth and asked "Art thou well?"

Redtooth put his drink down, stood up, grabbed Stormsong by the collar, and snarled into his face "You make _one_ more comment about rat-onna-stick, PPC boy, and _I will eat your soul."_

Stormsong blinked. "Why would I make any comments about rats on sticks?"

Unfortunately, Agent Manx heard him.

"He doesn't read Discworld!" she shrieked drunkenly, waving her arms about and attracting the attention of everyone nearby. "HERETIC! BURN HIM! BURN HIM!" Fortunately, at this point she fell over and passed out with her face in a trifle. Shadow ran over to haul her out before she drowned, though there are worse ways to die than drowning in an Abbey-made trifle.

Stormsong and Redtooth looked at each other. Redtooth sighed and put the weasel down.

"I need more bloody drink. Wanna join me?"

"Uh … as thou pleasest."

* * *

"… an' _she_ sezsh 'that'sh funny, 't's never done tha' when I've tried it'!"

Laburnum, Foxglove, and the various vermin who'd been drinking heavily along with them burst into laughter.

"Oh, I gotssh a million of 'ese," Laburnum slurred. "Ooh, ooh, 'ow many vermin doesh it take to shcrew in a lightbulb? It would take two, bu' they can' both fit in a lightbulb."

There was a pause while everybeast figured this one out, then they laughed again, even though the joke wasn't all that funny. Alcohol does that to one's sense of humour.

"Pervy vermin fancier, you are," said Naomi, punching her gently in the shoulder.

"Yerss, yerss indeedy!" Laburnum grinned lopsidedly. "Dey'ssh ssho cute an' fuzzible I wanna hug 'em all ... Frickin' prudessh, though. Wouldna thought it from readin' the bookssh, but they are. Should innaduce wozzername who wrote that shtuff we jussht killed to the real vermin. Dunno wot they'd do to 'er, she picked the nasshtier onesh an' look at wot she did wi' 'em. No fair, I got a year'ssh worth o' crap from 'em an' I 'ardly did nothin' …"

Thura, who was carefully maintaining the distance of one hundred paces from her required by the restraining order but still had to get fairly close to her so he could also reach the food table, overheard her and paused from stuffing his face with candied chestnuts for long enough to flip her the bird. Dingeye grabbed his paw and hissed in his ear "I don't care wot she said, everybeast already knows wot she finks of us an' wot did we say about _not_ tauntin' the drunken bottle covey?"

The slightly-more-sober Foxglove threw a paw companionably around Laburnum's shoulder. "Let'ssh go hijack the DJ booth."

"Yaaaay!"

_

* * *

_Redtooth and Stormsong had made a spirited attempt to consume their own body weights in, er, spirits, and had reached the "depressed singing" stage of drunkenness (not that this was all that much different from the weasel bard's normal state of mind).

Cluny, holding a bottle of beer with his tail, looked at them with amusement. "Boys? The party's not going to end until dawn. I don't think you can survive drinking nonstop all night."

"Good," Stormsong muttered, and threw up.

"Oh well, not my place to stop you. Kit and Minty just hate having to resurrect us if they can avoid it. We're teaching the fanbrats how we do apple-bobbing in Mossflower, if you want to join us." Cluny smirked and gestured over to a large barrel full of water, over which a very worried Fernflower and Fallo were suspended upside-down by ropes held by Darkclaw, Fangburn, and Konnie. "We told them if one of them manages to get hold of an apple we'll untie them. Of course we didn't tell them that the apples are in a weighted sack at the bottom of the barrel. Or that I don't plan to let them up for air."

"Oh, this I gotta see!" Redtooth wobbled upright, supporting himself with one paw on the wall and the other on Stormsong's head. "D'ye mind if I go?"

Stormsong was about to shake his head when there was a crash from the DJ booth. Agent Foxglove's voice blared over the room.

"Hey, ladies'n'germs, who's gettin' bored with this music? Well, screw you if you weren't, 'cos we're callin' the shots now!"

"Damn right!" came Laburnum's very slurred agreement. "I am takin' back my fav'rite song! Whaddyashay t'that, ya delusssh'nal fuzzfaced sonofabitch?!"

"Who's she talking to?" whispered Brakken to Eryss.

"Who knows? I don't care, she's funny to watch."

The thumping opening chords of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" shook the floorboards. Screams of glee interspersed with groans of annoyance among the partygoers.

Thom suddenly found Suzi grabbing the back of his belt, since she couldn't reach his collar. "Best song _ever._ You. Me. Dancefloor. Now."

"But I just got a drink-"

Suzi yanked the weasel down to her level, bending his spine backwards at a very unpleasant angle. _"Now."_

"Mmkay," Thom squeaked.

Martin the Warrior, standing in a corner with Rose in tow, stared at Suzi.

"I'm standing right here and she hasn't even_ noticed_ me." He leaned forward and waved vaguely in Suzi's direction. Not enough that she'd actually see him, though – he wasn't stupid.

"Why do you think Kit and Minty aren't stopping those two from playing this song? Kit did work out it was the second most likely song to cause a riot here, next to the Hedgehog Song. Apparently it's a favourite of that girl's, and as long as she's entertained her attention span's not long enough to waste time looking for us."

"Isn't she the girl who bought three copies of _Mossflower_, ripped out the pages of two of them, and tried to paper her bedroom with them?"

"She only covered three walls. Clogg tells me the other was full of Trent Reznor posters. Which were covered in lipstick marks." Rose shuddered.

"Ah. I was wondering." Martin squinted at Suzi again. "Maybe she needs to go to the infirmary and get her eyes checked, she still hasn't seen me …"

Rose grinned as she pulled him onto the dancefloor. "Are you jealous?"

"No!"

Gonff glanced up from a trifle. "Y'know, her dancing's actually not bad at all. She must be used to the tail now … Maybe her artistic ability only extends far enough to make her good at one thing at a time and that's why her writing is so bad? We should watch her and see if her dancing gets worse as her writing gets better."

"Ooh, ooh!" Cludd piped up, sniggering. "If we break her leg, will she automatically get better at writing?"

"Good point …"

Columbine grabbed her husband's whiskers and said firmly "Don't you _dare."_

"Aww."

* * *

It was three in the morning, and the party was starting to wind down. Several staff members and about half the students had fallen asleep or passed out where they were, and the others had shoved them to the sides of the room or draped them over chairs to keep them out of the way. The music had cycled back to slower and less drum-heavy tunes, with which those few still dancing could keep up more easily.

"Sooooo, Thommy, are you going to walk me home?" Suzi asked with a grin.

Thom blinked at her, eyes glazed from tiredness and alcohol. "We live on the same floor."

"Fine, let's walk each other home."

"That works." The weasel extended a paw and Suzi reached up to take it, and they left the Great Hall together. Suzi was still half-dancing as they walked.

"Da-da-_da_ da-_da_-da da-_da_-da … whoo. Some party. Hope they do this again," she remarked. "That was fun."

"Yeah, d'you mind not pulling me around like that? I'm still sorta drunk and I'm very tired."

"Sorry." Suzi yawned widely. The adrenaline rush had prevented her from realising how tired she was. They reached the door of the Prey girls' dorm, and she leaned against the doorframe, unsure what to say. She'd never really been in a situation like this before; of course the guys at her school didn't know about her secret geek and furry proclivities, but they still seemed put off by her somehow, so she and Rayvyn had spent every school party slinking around the sidelines or dancing alone. She told herself it was because the boys found her intimidating. Now she knew one who didn't, she wasn't sure what to do with him. Then again, presumably one treated male friends the same way one did female ones. _Easy when you think about it,_ she mused. "So, see you tomorrow?"

"I guess." Thom grinned and clumsily high-fived her. "If I recover enough to crawl outta bed at any point."

"Heh. G'night."

Suzi shoved the door open, weaved exhaustedly over to her bed, and flopped limply onto it, asleep before her head hit the pillow.

* * *

Kit and Minty, meanwhile, were surveying the wreckage. Minty sighed and picked up a flagon which still contained the dregs of some strawberry cordial. She raised it to her lips, but stopped and sniffed before drinking.

"Kit, does this smell funny to you?"

Kit took the flagon and sniffed at it. "Smells like … smells like bathroom cleaner." He turned to see Cluny, who was standing on a chair in the corner, fiddling with what appeared to be a hidden camera and sniggering. "Cluny, did you spike the food?"

"Not just me," Cluny corrected him. "All the big bads got in on it. See, some of the students don't drink much, so …"

"Is this Bleeprin I can smell?" Minty demanded. Bleeprin was a mixture of aspirin and bleach, used by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum to erase the bad memories inflicted on them at work.

"Yep." Cluny hopped off the chair, clutching a roll of film. "It was actually Farran and Ferahgo's idea. See, we set up these cameras all round the room, in case the students did anything funny while they were drunk. Then we put Bleeprin in everything the students were going to eat – the staff got it as well, but they were all drinking themselves stupid in the first place so they won't remember the party anyway. The plan is, we'll sell the film back to the students, saying that anything they don't buy and destroy will be shown in the Hall. Since we drugged 'em, none of them will remember whether or not they did anything they don't want anybeast to see, so they'll have to buy the film back anyway."

Minty drew herself up. "That is an astoundingly cruel, manipulative, invasive, devious, underpawed, and downright unpleasant thing to do." She beamed. "Well done! Wish I'd thought of that."

* * *

**[Notes: Yay! Party time! Finally we did it … The songlist I was assembling and the old RP we did on the PPC Board a while back didn't really work, because I couldn't get them to merge into the story smoothly. Will possibly use them for ficlets some time. Sorry 'bout that. Hope you like this chapter anyways.**

**Laburnum's rant is about the mission on which S&S were picked up. Suffice it to say her planning left something to be desired. "Closer" is a favourite song of Laburnum's, which, as a PPC installment mentioned, her subconscious has hijacked for use in nightmares about the aforementioned incident. If you know the lyrics, you may understand why it's likely to cause a riot in the OFUR. The "delusional fuzzfaced sonofabitch" was one of the vermin of VQ, who very soon deeply regretted what he tried to do to her. It didn't affect her Pervy Vermin Fancier tendencies, though - with apologies to Cassandra Claire for hijacking her phrase "Pervy Hobbit Fancier".**

**What Drake said translates roughly as "Nice to meet you, kitty-girl. My name is Drake, what is your name?" Nothing too complicated, but beyond someone who only knows "kawaii". Random fact; the word "kawaii" sounds very similar to the word "kowai", which is Japanese for "scary". 'Nuff said.**

**I think you can tell what Possessed!Sawney tried to do to Molly in the badfic she's from and why she reacted badly. Let's not go into detail, she's only six. Ew. OFUR!Sawney will be suitably horrified to find out, once they fix his arm back on. "That man in London" was an incident in a PPC installment; suffice it to say there was lots of blood. As for Redtooth's angry outburst, "rat-onna-stick" is the favoured snack of Discworld's dwarves. Discworld is also where I picked up the phrase "bottle covey" (meaning an unpredictably violent drunk), and the origin of the orphaned punchline uttered by Laburnum. We don't know the opening to the joke, only that it's even more unsuitable for mixed company than the lightbulb joke.]**


	15. Chapter 15: Everyone Meets Everyone

It was 12:45 the day after the PPC Purging Party, and the staff and students were just beginning to wake up.

Kit and Minty, having sensibly refrained from drinking alcohol at the party and thus not being hungover, had been awake for three hours and were sitting in the staffroom, sipping coffee and catching up on some paperwork while the building was still quiet.

Agent Nin of the PPC was also in the staffroom, slouching on a couch, swigging coffee, smoking a Bleepette, nursing a hangover, and muttering "I'm gettin' too old for this job."

Agent Luxury's location and activity are best left undescribed in the interests of public decency. Suffice it to say she was having fun, and those who had been forced to overhear the noise all night were not.

Agents Manx and Shadow had made the mistake of going directly back to their room in PPC HQ from the party, where they were promptly assigned a mission. As such, they were at this point kicking the console and swearing a lot, trying to put off having to actually go out on the mission as long as possible. It was probably better than being at the OFUR, though, as they wouldn't have had an alibi for what they'd drunkenly done to the first-floor bathroom.

Agent Laburnum was blearily waking up to find herself lying on the Great Hall floor in the traditional ferrety "speedbump" position (flat on her belly and completely limp), with her head in a puddle of vomit which she fervently hoped was her own. This is what Protectors consider the result of a good party, particularly since she had no memory whatsoever of what had prompted her desire to be drunk. When she washed her face, she would realise that the vermin staff had taken marker pens to her facial fur, but this didn't bother her; she merely made a mental note to punch Clogg in the kidneys and remind him that one generally doesn't sign graffiti.

Agent Foxglove had a similarly painful hangover, but was luckily in a darkened room. Unluckily, this room was the Headmaster's office, and she was in the middle of explaining why she had portalled into the _Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy_ continuum and released the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal in the grounds on a drunken dare, and how she was going to put it back. Luckily it had made a beeline for the pond and been intercepted by the Grimblett. Currently the Grimblett was winning. A handful of the few students and staff members who were awake were standing around the pond and cheering them on.

Agent Skyfire had just been awoken by Molly Rath leaping directly onto her bladder, claws-first, and screaming "IWANNAGETUP IWANNAGETUP IWANNAGETUP!" Skyfire, despite having held her own in the drinking contest the previous night, had not become even slightly tipsy and did not have a hangover, which would deeply annoy everybeast she met that day.

Agent Stormsong was dozing in that happy pink mental mist that occurs between waking and sleeping, seconds away from being hit simultaneously with the worst hangover of his life, the realisation that he was in an unfamiliar and exceedingly messy bed and his clothes were missing, and a drip of what appeared to be whipped cream falling onto his nose from the ceiling. It took a few seconds for the sight of evidence of the room's owner to work through the blazing headache, but the huge railgun leaning against the end of the bed left no room for doubt about whose room it was. The gigantic plush panda was a shock, though.

Agent Drake, also blissfully oblivious to the effects of a hangover, was in the shower. He hadn't consumed enough of the Bleeprin with which the food had been spiked to forget everything about the previous night, for which he was grateful. Sure, it was kind of disappointing that Stormsong had passed out drunk when he was carrying him up to bed, and he'd been so drunk he hadn't been able to remember where the weasel's room was, but hey, there was enough room in his bed for a little weasel. The opportunity for cuddles had been much appreciated too, given that Stormsong never agreed to them when he was awake. And he'd managed to carry a few cream cakes upstairs as well, though eating in bed while drunk tends to get messy, particularly if one then gets bored and decides to practise one's aiming skills by throwing leftover food at the ceiling light.

Agent Naomi had woken up a couple of hours before and, being sleepy and hungover, had not noticed the extra clothes on the floor or the small grey body being cuddled by Drake when getting dressed. She was now sitting in the staffroom, drinking coffee and chatting with several vermin about possible more effective disciplinary methods for Drake than her favoured method of beating him over the head with a backpack. She favoured Badrang's suggestion of a taser.

Snowspine, author of Stormsong and Skyfire, had spent most of the night hiding in a broom closet, gibbering quietly, picking melted marshmallows out of xir fur, and trying to convince xirself that most of the previous thirty-six hours had been some kind of horrible hallucination. The rapidly-rising black eye rather damaged that theory. Sometimes xie would pluck up the courage to open the door just a crack, then wonder how many other characters of xirs were wandering around out there, and slam the door shut again. Apart from the weirdness, most of xir characters were _not_ ones xie particularly wanted to run into, especially if they remembered what xie did to them.

The dorms were also full of hung over students. This is what happens when a bunch of teenagers are placed in the vicinity of large amounts of alcohol and told that, technically being in Mossflower and not the Real World, they are not under the restrictions of any liquor laws. Most of them were swearing they'd never drink again. The ones who hadn't drunk as much, and the ones whose species physiology gave them a better tolerance for alcohol, had quietly sneaked out earlier in order to not face the wrath of their envious classmates.

Suzi woke up to find herself lying limply half-in and half-out of bed, still dressed, with a raging headache and a very unpleasant feeling of nausea. She squeaked as a furry paw brushed against her... one that was not her own.

"GAH! What the _hell _are you doing in here?!"

"Huh? This isn't the boys' dorm?" Thom looked up blearily, half-in and half-out of the other side of the bed.

Suzi blinked, then realized something. Both of them were in the bed... which meant...

"WHAT DID WE DO?!"

"Nothing! Nothing!" Thom babbled, raising his paws.

"What the hell are you two yelling about? I'm hungover!" someone snapped.

"Huh? This isn't the girls' dorm!" Suzi yelped.

"Oh good, I got the right place ..." said Thom, shaking his head to clear it.

Suzi was still in shock. "Are you sure we didn't do anything? I don't remember ... my parents will KILL me! This is worse than that time I got banned from Sunday school when I was five for-"

"Calm down, Suzi ... I'm sure we didn't ... I think!"

"You THINK?! Okay, okay, look at this rationally, clothes still on, all buttons and zippers still done up ..."

"You sure? Those pants have a _lot_ of buttons and zippers, have you counted them all-"

"Shut up! Phew. Looks like we just both passed out."

"Well, yeah." Thom gestured at Suzi, trying to encompass the noticeable size difference between male weasels and female mice. "If we _had_ done anything else, you'd be dead."

"Well, somebody's got a high opinion of himself." Suzi ducked as Thom swiped a paw at her.

"Kid, apart from anything else you're underage. Just _no."_

"Not in England I'm not, and Mossflower's nearer to being England than America ..." Suzi started to correct him.

"Regardless ... Wait a second," Thom said. "This isn't my bed either!"

Suzi stopped and stared. "Wait, then whose bed is this?"

"I can smell cat ... oh no."

They looked around properly for the first time, realising they were in the Predator Females' dorm.

"Okay, don't make any sudden movements," Thom hissed. "They're probably mostly still hungover enough not to be hungry, so you're probably safe, but if they realise I'm a guy they'll rip me limb from limb."

Suzi carefully slid down the side of the bed, nearly tripping over Eryss, its usual occupant, who had passed out on the rug. Thom followed her, and they scurried down the aisle in the middle of the room, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. They needn't have worried - most of the girls were still asleep. Tungsten Monk gave them a hairy moment, as she was flopped on her bed with her tail on the pillows and her head drooping over the end and appeared to be staring directly at them. They froze for a few seconds before remembering that, what with TM being a pseudo-serpentine being, her eyelids were transparent. Finally, they made it to the door and eased it open.

"Stop that damn creaking, I'm trying to sleep!" yelled Nikki, hurling a shoe in the rough direction of the door. The misplaced miscreants shot out the open door and fled down the corridor, not stopping until they'd turned the corner and put a safe distance between them and the dormitories.

Suzi sighed with relief and sagged down against the wall. "Well, we got out of that alive. So now I'm going to go get some breakfast-"

"It's way too late for breakfast," Thom pointed out.

"Lunch, then," Suzi corrected herself. "I'm guessing we don't have lessons today or the teachers would have woken us up."

"Yeah, they're all hungover even worse than we are, so we're free for the day."

"Okay, in that case I'm going to spend the afternoon doing my weasel- HOMEWORK! I mean my HOMEWORK!"

Thom sniggered. "Sure you do."

Suzi hit him repeatedly.

* * *

"Hey, weasel-buddy!" Redtooth waved at Stormsong and dashed over to meet him. "Rough morning? You were drinking rather a lot last night."

"Ah, thankee for thy concern. The alcohol was the least of my problems, I fear. I would prefer not to speak of it. Ever."

"Ouch." Redtooth reached into his pocket and found a small cardboard packet still mostly full of cigarettes, which smelled faintly of bleach rather than tobacco. Aha! Bleepettes! They'd been a present from Miss Minty, and he was very grateful even though he was pretty sure she'd just given them to him to shut him up about the spear thing. Looked like the weasel could do with one too, he was a nice bloke and it was okay to be pleasant to him because Cluny didn't want him either dead or promoted above Redtooth. He held out the packet. "Fag?"

Much to the rat's surprise, Stormsong leapt about a foot in the air and yelped "WHO TOLD-" before noticing the Bleepettes and stopping abruptly. The two vermin stared at each other.

Redtooth sighed. "... Well, this is embarrassing."

Of course, thanks to the Laws of Comedy, Drake turned the corner at about this time and saw Stormsong and Redtooth staring awkwardly at each other. He blinked. "Hey, what's up? Oh ... still upset about last night?" he asked the weasel.

"Drake, I happen to be busy destroying my own newly-forming social life. Please go away."

"Whoa! No, it doesn't _bother_ me or anything!" said Redtooth hurriedly. "Trust me, I've worked with furry fans for years, the shock value wore off about five minutes into the first year. Don't swing that way myself, whatever your pervy vermin fancier of a coworker might try to tell folks-" he shuddered, "-but I don't care if you do. Just please don't make me be the one to tell the ladies, okay?"

Stormsong blinked. "Hm. Well ... thanks. 'Tis nice to have somebeast not care, as opposed to attempting murder or ... generally inappropriate behaviour. And could we please never, _ever,_ mention what just happened again?"

"Sure. Oh, by the way, I think your mum's in the broom closet behind you."

"My wha- oh. Yes." Stormsong turned around and banged on the closet door, grateful for the change of topic. "Miss Snowspine ... Mother? 'Tis quite safe to come out, thou knowst."

"I'm only a 'Miss' in the very loosest sense of the word, I'm _definitely_ not your mother, and I am NOT coming out!"

"Shame. Your weasel just did," said Redtooth, grinning in the manner of someone who thinks he is very witty.

"Ha freakin' ha. If you want me to come out, at least reassure me that none of my other creations are out there. I don't want to meet Riala if she remembers what I did to her."

"No, I can safely assure thee that there are no Bloodwrathing golden-tailed squirrels in the building. One Bloodwrathing _black_ squirrel, but Ranguvar was a canon character ..."

"I'll make out with Stormsong if you come out!" Drake offered.

"I don't think that's gonna work, Snowy here signed up as Not Applicable. Doesn't have any oestrogen anymore, see," Redtooth explained.

"Y'know, I know you haven't had much experience but this isn't the generally accepted way to introduce your new boyfriend to your family," said the hedgehog, ignoring Redtooth.

"He is _not-"_ Stormsong spluttered.

Drake squealed like a schoolgirl and hugged Stormsong. Of course, the squeal was like a siren call, and the pair were rapidly surrounded by fangirls, fanboys, and the merely curious.

Redtooth looked up at Drake and asked "Are you _sure_ you're a boy?"

"Last I checked," said Drake, looking around and noticing the crowd gathering.

"I was just thinking, the girly squeaking might be putting him off."

"NOT HELPING!" Stormsong waved frantically, ignored by the gaggle of gawkers. Camera phones flashed. He eventually managed to struggle free of the fox's arms, landing neatly on his footpaws and straightening his shirt. "I hate that fox sometimes," he muttered to himself.

"C'mon, you don't wanna see?" Drake said, tapping on the cupboard door. "He's your creation, don't you want to meet him? He's awesome!"

"Not enough to risk my neck!" Snowspine insisted.

"Fine. Stay in there. What do I care?" Stormsong turned his back and walked away, counting softly under his breath. He reached three before the cupboard door swung open and Snowspine came out, blinking in the daylight.

"Ow! Albino eyes really are sensitive ..."

Stormsong smirked to himself. Handling students wasn't all that different from handling vermin; you just needed to know which metaphorical strings to pull.

"UNCLE STORMY!" came a happy yell, and a small hairy object wrapped itself around his head.

"Ow! Bad Molly! BAD Molly!"

"Hey, who's this little beauty?" Redtooth reached out to pat Molly's head and withdrew his paw rapidly as the little ferret snapped at him.

"This would be my daughter. Technically. Through no fault of mine own."

Redtooth looked the weasel up and down and grinned. "Adopted?"

"What gave it away?"

"Well, the 'fag' thing was a clue but the fact that she's not your species was kind of the-"

"I spoke rhetorically, rodent."

"Hey, less of the attitude. I gave you smokes."

"Molly!" Skyfire poked her head round the corner, saw the group, and ran to take Molly off her partner's head. "Now now, little one, Uncle Stormy's not had a very nice morning so we need to keep quiet and not let him have anything sharp or poisonous, understand?"

Snowspine stared, completely nonplussed. Skyfire noticed xir and chuckled nervously. "Oh. Hi, Mum."

"Stop calling me 'Mum'! Who's the kid? Why are you here? Why do you smell like alcohol and bleach? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" wailed Snowspine.

Stormsong gingerly placed a paw on the hedgehog's shoulder spikes, taking the proffered Bleepette from the grinning Redtooth as he did. "I think we may need to take a walk."

Snowspine squinted at him. "Your fur's paler than I thought it would be."

"That would be caused by stress. I fear I have been through rather a lot recently, and not all due to thee, Mother."

"Enough with the 'mother' thing!"

* * *

Basil Stag Hare happily gazed out of the window at the top of the stairs, gnawing on a carrot and clutching a plastic bag full of them. Real World vegetables were significantly bigger than Mossflower ones tended to be; humans selectively farm crops for big vegetables, while the variations of the Mossverse featuring animals the same size as Real World wildlife prefers ones easy for small paws to handle. Careful fiddling with the transportation portals meant they could be made to stay that way when brought into the OFUR rather than shrinking in proportion to whoever was using it, so of course the hares took full advantage of this. Of course all the food "liberated" at the start of term was long gone, but he'd sneaked back to the Real World in a human disguise once or twice out of curiosity and picked up a few morsels along the way.

Suddenly, the glass in the window began to tremble slightly and dust fell from the ceiling. A soft rumbling noise reached Basil's ears, then grew louder and louder.

Fallo Staggertail, Maligant, and Marmalade turned the corner, pursued by a flood of Mini-Deepcoilers, screaming at the top of their lungs.

"THIS IS THE LAST TIME I LISTEN TO ANY OF YOUR STUPID IDEAS, FERRET!"

"SHUT UP AND KEEP RUNNING!"

"IDON'TWANNADIEIDON'TWANNADIEIDON'TWANNADIE!"

Basil dropped the carrots and fled down the stairs as the tide of Minis flowed past him.

In the nearby bathroom, Mother Mellus looked up in the direction of the noise. "Now what's going on? ... Stay here while I go and sort this out," she instructed the gaggle of Dibbuns as she lifted them out of the bath and onto the mat. "Don't try to get back in the water until I get back, and don't make a mess."

"Noooo, don' wanna stay 'ere!" whined baby Dwopple, picking soap out of his ear. "Don' wanna rotten ol' baff!"

"Well, you should have thought of that before you tried to swim in the leftover trifle. Behave yourselves, and I'll be back in a minute."

Of course, the second the Badger Mother left the room, the Dibbuns sneaked out onto the landing, dripping soap suds everywhere. Dwopple and Dumble scratched at their headfur, slicking it up into spikes. They pointed at each other and giggled.

Skittles scurried up to the discarded carrots. "Ooh, lookit this! I gots an idea ..."

Suzi and Thom were at this point walking gingerly back up the stairs to fetch their books, still queasy from last night, really not looking forward to doing homework but stuck for anything better to do. Suddenly, the chorus of "Dab! Dab! Dab!" from the top of the stairs was joined by a squeal of "Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!" as Dwopple, still dripping soapy water and with his fur spiked into a crude mohawk-like style, slid rapidly down the stairs, perched precariously on a carrot bigger than himself. Two more mice and a mole followed swiftly after him, all sitting on carrots.

Thom and Suzi looked at each other.

"Er ...?"

"No," said Thom firmly, holding up a paw forestalling argument. "There are some things I just do _not_ want to ask about ... hey, where are you going?"

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Suzi slid down the stairs behind more Dibbuns, standing sideways on a carrot as if it were a snowboard.

"Yeah, I knew I didn't want to know."

* * *

The Mini stampede continued, breaking windows, ripping carpets, and sweeping up any students too slow or careless to get out of the way. Most of the staff either ran at the first sound of trouble or found safe vantage points to watch the fun.

Vilu Daskar, however, was one floor down from the stampede, and somewhat busy attempting to interpret what the awestruck Shven was saying. The marten's accent was hard enough to decipher at the best of times, and the fact that he was giggling nervously and kept trailing off mumbling made matters worse.

"Uh, 'ello. Um. Heehee. Ah ... ah jes' wanna say, sir, uh, that is ... ah'm thy biggest fan, an' ... um, th'art ... really ... um ... So, can ah get an autograph?"

Daskar looked curiously at Bullflay, who grinned and whispered in his ear. The stoat captain's jaw dropped and he stared at Shven.

"You want to do _what_ with my _what?!"_

Shven blushed under his fur and started to gabble. "Whit- nay, ah dinna say ah wanted tae do that wi' thy footpaws!"

Bullflay and Daskar gave the marten boy a very strange look, and Bullflay managed to keep a straight face long enough to say "That's not wot I said."

Shven's blush deepened. "... Well, bugger."

"So what _do_ you want to do with- no, on second thoughts I don't want to know."

Bullflay chuckled at Shven's expression, then stopped and glanced up. "'Ey, wot's that noise?"

"Uh-oh ..." They turned slowly to see the fleeing fanbrats trying to stay ahead of the rapidly-growing tide of Mini-Deepcoilers, which had now been joined by the Stouts and Hairs, pouring down the stairs towards them.

"RUN!"

Bullflay turned and ran, or rather waddled, as fast as he could in one direction. Shven swept up Vilu and ran in the other direction, reached a nearby broom closet, darted inside, and slammed the door.

"Oof ..." Daskar disentangled himself from the marten as the thunder and screaming died away outside. "Thanks." Upon catching a glimpse of Shven's expression in the dim light from the cracks around the door, he said "Well, just because I'm evil doesn't mean I can't be polite."

"Aww, thankee!"

"That's my paw you're holding, boy."

"Really? Sorry." Shven moved his paw.

"... And that's, er, _not_ my paw you're holding."

Shven's teeth gleamed in the dark as he grinned broadly. Daskar sighed.

"I didn't want to have to do this because Minty will yell at me, but we can't let the fanboys get uppity."

Metal glinted in the dark. Shven gulped. "Um ... that's me throat th'art cuttin'."

"I know."

The fanboy shrugged resignedly. "Oh well, ah die fer love."

"See you when you resurrect. If you really like me, don't tell Minty it was me that did this when you do," said Daskar in a disturbingly businesslike way. There was an unpleasant wet noise, then Daskar opened the cupboard door and kicked the body out. There was a thud and a shrill scream as Sakura-chan walked by and tripped on it. The stoat sniggered to himself. Always good to kill two birds with one stone.

A minute later, Bullflay knocked on the door. "'Ey, Cap'n. You alright in there?"

"I'm fine. You?"

"Yeah - I didn't fink I could run that fast, but a Mini flood's a good motivator. They're 'eadin' outside, wanna go watch?" The fat stoat looked back at the door, then at the deceased fanboy sprawled on the floor, and a grin slowly spread over his face.

Daskar's muffled but annoyed voice pre-empted him: "I can't see you from in here, but I can tell you're smirking, and I'd like to say that if you make any witty remarks about coming out of the closet I'm going to hurt you."

* * *

Down by the orchard, after a lengthy explanation and the consumption of six bottles of Bleepka on Stormsong's part ...

"... so that's what happened, and we've been working here ever since."

"What an interesting story. Sure am glad I didn't have to miss it because of a scene transition!" Snowspine shuffled around, trying to find a comfortable sitting position. The spines were still a problem. "So, what's the job like? Weird?"

"That would be an understatement." The weasel opened a seventh bottle and glugged it down. "No hard feelings about the marshmallow incident?"

"Nah. If anyone has the right to set me on fire, it's you guys," said Snowspine, waving a paw dismissively. "Call it even. So what's going on with that Drake guy-"

"Nothing," Stormsong replied firmly. "Snowspine, the boy is a halfwit. I saved his life during an exorcism, and I may be coming to regret it because of his efforts to 'pay me back'. I think if I let him he would kill me accidentally, even when we both are human-sized!"

"Ah, the friendly neighbourhood stalker," Snowspine chuckled. "This Laburnum - wasn't she the one with the fox-pelt who hit me in the face yesterday?"

"Yes. You'll have to forgive her, she's ..." Skyfire shifted uncomfortably, trying to think of a nice thing to say about Laburnum and Foxglove and, despite her overwhelming niceness, failing miserably. "Well, long story short she and her partner Foxglove are both a pair of drunken foulmouthed filthy-minded violent maniacs who would probably be more at home in the Nighthunt than we were if not for the fact that they have no respect for authority whatsoever. But they're not _bad_. No need to be scared of her."

"I wasn't until you described her that way!" Snowspine turned faintly green. "Have you _seen_ that girl? She's twice my size and I swear she sharpens her fangs!"

"She does, I've seen her. But she's harmless, really. You should probably be more frightened of Molly."

"Why? She's too little to cause much damage ..."

Molly looked up from the bag of candy in which her snout was buried, gave an obscene fang-exposing grin, and hissed like a cobra.

"Th'art jesting, yes? She was born in a world in which prepubescents defeat pirate kings. Remember thine history?"

"Damn right. Woodlanders aren't the only ones who get to produce tough kids."

Snowspine shuffled away. "So why did you adopt her?"

Stormsong shrugged. "Nobody else would."

"Yes, I thought it would be something like that. I swear I wrote you with a better sense of self-preservation than this ..."

"You can talk, you created Captain Deathcry!"

"Hey, I _love_ my new mama 'n' uncle!" Molly said indignantly, before being interrupted by the arrival of a certain other psychotic ferret.

"Heeeeeeeeeeey!" Laburnum, still semi-conscious with the hangover, grinned at the group and flopped down next to Skyfire. "So how's every little thing today?"

"I am fine. My room-mate tried to hang himself this morning and then started drinking again, and we had an incredibly awkward conversation with a certain hedgehog, who, by the way, is still owed an apology from you. And could you sit a little further away from me? Your breath smells like someone tried to make beer in a hospital toilet."

"I drank beer? God, I must have been drunk. I _hate_ beer ..." The Bloodwrather unslung the short-handled axe from her back and rubbed the blade possessively, then looked up at Snowspine. "Oh, hey, what's your name here? You have so many different usernames, I forget which one you use where ..."

"It's Snowspine," said the hedgehog nervously.

"Right, right. Huh, didn't know you were a guy. Sorry, I tend to assume everyone in fandom's female until proven otherwise-"

"I'm not! The admin, er, creatively misinterpreted my application form. I said I identify as gender-neutral and woke up literally so."

Laburnum winced sympathetically. "Oooh, that's gotta be awkward."

"You kidding? I _love _it! You never realise what a pain estrogen is to live with until you don't have it anymore! I'll tell you what's a problem ..." The hedgehog pulled at xir spikes. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to just get through the day with these things? I keep pinning myself to the bed if I roll over in my sleep, it's impossible to get dressed on my own, and let's not even start on using the bathroom."

The mustelids chuckled, and Laburnum scratched nervously at the inside of her wrist. "Heheh, yeah ... well, I wanna say I'm sorry about yesterday. I was a little drunk, and - well, I reckon these guys'll have told you what I was yelling about. It was entirely my fault that that happened, I knew exactly what I was getting into, and I shouldn't have taken it out on you because it's not like you could have known. Shake on it?"

"Uh, okay." Ferret and hedgehog awkwardly shook paws, and Laburnum resumed examining her axe as if nothing had happened.

"Present from the Badger Lords?" asked Skyfire, gesturing at the weapon.

"Hell yes. My preciousssss." Laburnum leapt to her footpaws and struck a pose with it. "I am the Axe Princess! Just like Noodle, except my axe is a literal one ... 'love for-ev-er, love is free, let's turn for-ev-er yeewww an' meeeeeee' ..." She danced around and mimed strumming the axeblade as if it were a guitar, much to the confusion of her Mossflower-born audience members.

Snowspine leaned over to Skyfire and murmured "Is she on drugs? Prescription or otherwise?"

"If she's not, she needs to be."

Snowspine backed away slightly. "Well, I just have one more question ... What's this 'Hedgehog Song' thing everyone keeps talking about?"

"-is _ev_'-ry-_bod_-y _iiiiinnnn-_oooh, this is gonna be fun." Laburnum stopped vocally mutilating "Feel Good Inc" and allowed a huge grin to spread over her face.

Skyfire pointed at her. "Oh no. _You_ explain it!"

* * *

"So sweet to see them getting along, isn't it?" said Miss Minty, gesturing out of the window at the hedgehog and mustelids sitting on the lawn. "And, you know, Vengeance Quest really is pretty good. Half the staff are reading it now."

"Indeed."

Minty grinned. "Kit, my dear, a cunning plan begins to form. Tell me, how do you feel about musical theatre?"

Kit gave her a very strange look. "... You've met my fiancee."

"In the non-euphemistic sense."

_"Ohh._ Sorry. It's okay, I guess. Why? ... oh no. No, we are not performing it as a play."

"Why not?"

"Remember what happened last time we tried to do a play here?"

"I'm sure that won't happen. We don't even _have_ that truck anymore ... what's that noise?"

"MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISS!" came a scream from the doorway. Kit and Minty ran to see what was up. Deyna, also known as Tagg, was standing very stiffly, clutching a small wailing otterkit at arm's length and looking horrified. He stared hopelessly at them and said pathetically "What do I do with this?"

"Ah." Minty looked at the baby. "Well, for starters, don't hold him like that! He's not a bag of flour! Look, like this ..." She grabbed the baby, passed it to Kit, grabbed Deyna's paws and folded them into position, then carefully put the baby back in his arms. The baby made a last quiet "peeeeep" noise and settled down, snuffling.

"I talked to Nin and she said Doctor Fitzgerald in PPC HQ had a present for me so we both went over there to fetch Sawney after he got his arm fixed back on and the doctor gave me this baby and said it was mine and I don't know what to do with it!" Deyna gabbled. "I think that Sue made me get her pregnant and it's creepy and I'm only fifteen and I don't want a baby!"

"I had a baby before I was sixteen too!" Cornflower objected. "And you aren't the one who had to give birth!"

"MUM!" wailed Mattimeo.

Minty ignored them. "Oh yes, they told me about this little fellow. Moses Taggson, I believe his name is." She stroked the baby otter's head. "Stormsong and Skyfire were babysitting him back at HQ, but since he's now bigger than they are because of the species size differences, I don't think they can handle him here."

Moses slowly blinked his enormous eyes, raised his paws to his chin, and made a soft "Peep?" sound.

Every female in the staffroom except Minty immediately went _"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"_ Several of the males joined in. Most of the others looked like they were trying to suppress the urge.

Kit grinned. "I don't think he'll have a shortage of caretakers."

"So the invitation to stay is still on, then?"

"Absolutely," Kit confirmed. "It'll make the staff feel better, and I'm sure at least some of the agents will appreciate the chance to stay in a place which actually has an outdoors. And I'm guessing the Flowers will be pleased to see the back of a few of them for a while."

"Excellent," said Minty, dropping back into an overstuffed armchair. "Now I think it's time we settled down for a nice normal afternoon after the excitement yesterday ... can you hear thunder?"

They ran to the window, just in time to see a a flood of Minis pouring out of the doors, snapping at the heels of several screaming students. Other students and staff members who were sitting around on the lawns leapt to their footpaws and fled in all directions, adding to the chaos.

Minty looked at Kit. "Should we go and stop them?"

"Nah, they'll get bored eventually. Let them work off some energy."

Foxglove, badly bruised but grinning widely, marched up and saluted. "Situation Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal neutralised, sir and marm! Easy done, I just borrowed Ublaz's blindfold thing."

"Eh?" Kit scratched his ear, looking confused.

Minty enlightened him: "The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is known for being stupid enough to assume that if you can't see it, it can't see you."

Foxglove nodded and rubbed at her backside, wincing. "Oww. I swear I didn't get hurt there. Must have sat on something ..." Her face froze, and then settled into an expression of rage. She stomped back into the middle of the staffroom, screaming "DAMMIT, DID ONE OF YOU MORONS TRY TO TATTOO ME WHILE I WAS ASLEEP?!"

Kit poured himself another coffee. "Yep, looks like a nice normal afternoon."

* * *

**[Miss Minty: Kit doesn't currently have computer access, so I'm writing the notes for him. He says hi. Yes, the character Mister Kit does indeed have a fiancee, though his real-life counterpart does not. She'll be appearing when we find a place to work her in. Agent Nin's writer has actually retired from the PPC now, which reminds me, I agreed to finish off her final mission. Eventually, I will. As for Molly, I did think it was unfair that vermin babies don't get as much screentime as the Dibbuns, and don't seem to do as much cool stuff, so I remedied that. I did draw TM's character with eyelids at one point, but it was just easier to show that she was meant to be winking that way - and she was winking because I couldn't make her eyes symmetrical, thus obliging me to come up with a string of excuses. Sigh.**

**In case you're wondering about the carrot thing, I recently introduced reader Kelaiah to the humour blog "Cake Wrecks", which is about astoundingly ugly or unintentionally-funny novelty cakes, and he told me my idea to include a "Naked Mohawk-Baby Carrot Jockeys" tribute was a good one. Don't ask. If it was a human-populated fandom I wouldn't have included the "naked" part, but the Dibbuns have fur and it's not like you can't see un-clothed baby animals in public in any pet shop or on hundreds of different cartoons, so I figured it didn't matter. The "Sure am glad I didn't miss it because of a scene transition" line was stolen from the (very non-child-safe and full of extremely dark humour, so be warned) webcomic **_**Concession**_**, and they stole it from somewhere else I can't remember. Noodle, a.k.a. the Axe Princess, is the guitarist of the cartoon band Gorillaz, and the song "Feel Good Inc" is theirs. The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is from Douglas Adams' "Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy", and if you don't know this series I recommend you get acquainted with it immediately or risk losing geek rights. With love to Shven, who told me he was having a bad time lately and wanted his character to do something funny, and didn't object to "dying" being an option. Don't worry, he will be back.**

**The VQ Musical will happen later. If anyone wants their characters to audition, say so, though it's likely the staff will be playing most of the roles. Also nominate staff members to audition and songs you think they'd sing in the auditions, if you like. Also please suggest ways in which the auditions could go horribly wrong, because it's no fun if they can actually perform well.]**


	16. Chapter 16: A Worrying Find

Kit and Minty were standing on the stage at the front of Great Hall when Suzi came down to breakfast. They were smiling, which usually meant they had an announcement the students really were not going to like. After adding that to the way Kit kept shuffling a ream of papers and the nervous-looking Snowspine standing next to them, Suzi was hard-pressed to stop herself from running out of the hall as fast as she could.

As it happened, though, the announcement wasn't all that horrifying.

"A _musical?"_ Landred Banwood whispered disbelievingly.

"And we get to audition!" Fernflower was practically dancing with glee.

"Um, you might wanna actually read _Vengeance Quest_ before you get too excited," Thom pointed out. "It's ... not a nice fic."

"But the staff like it?" Suzi said.

"Oh, it's _good._ It's just not _nice."_ Thom looked thoughtful. "I might audition. Those PPC guys are gonna be judging and if I can wow an official ex-pro bard with my playing I've really got it made. Glad I brought my guitar ... and the vermin didn't get at it. I guess they weren't interested because they can't eat it, get high from it, ride it around at high speed, or watch it explode."

"Oh, and one more announcement," said Minty, tapping her cane. "I know some of the staff members have been bringing back food from the Real World. Those of you who ordered a certain caffeinated fizzy drink known as 'Tentacle Grape' are forbidden to drink it, or indeed mention it, within sight and earshot of the pond. We think the Grimblett was offended, and Cheesethief's still in the hospital wing. Don't worry, he'll be fine once the shock wears off and we get the last of the fish eggs out of his ear."

* * *

"So, uh, it's 'thee' for singular and 'you' for plural, right?"

"Yeah, and 'you' for formal address ... what's the difference between 'thee' and 'thou'?"

"Uh, one's the subject and one's the object, but I dunno which is which ... and where're you supposed to put the 'eth' bit again?" Tiraamilaen scratched her head, desperately attempting to remember.

Suzi sighed and reached for the book again. Archaic English wasn't as hard as some of the other topics in Accents of Mossflower 101, but it was boring and there was a lot to remember. The study group helped a bit, though.

It was well and truly autumn now, and most of the students were growing their winter coats. The process was unpleasantly itchy for all concerned, but the new fur was lovely and warm. Despite the cold weather, the study group met outside. Mossflower is stunningly beautiful whatever the season, so the students took every opportunity to see it. Also, Mossflower is stunningly dangerous, even more so inside the OFUR, and meeting outside gave them more places to run if necessary. The group was meeting by the Red Wall, a typo-spawned architectural feature next to the orchard, which consisted of a short wall of red bricks serving no readily apparent purpose.

Sandflame Montmorency read out the verbs from her own copy of the textbook. "Okay, it's 'I am', 'thou art', 'he/she/it is', 'we are', 'you are', 'they are' ... then 'I do', 'thou dost', 'he/she/it doth' and they put 'definitely not "do-eth"' in big letters ..."

"Ugh," Greyscale put aside his notebook. "Anyone need to go over the stuff for Cluny's class tomorrow? I can help you out if you need to."

"Oh please," Suzi said dismissively. "It's all common-sense stuff this week. I mean, if you need to be _told_ not to use hotroot soup as a personal lubricant there's really no hope for you, is there?"

Sakura-chan shuffled nervously and hid her face behind her notebook. "Um ... hai. Of course. Hehe."

Marmalade cringed, plucking a stray leaf out of his tail. "I don't even wanna think about that class. The anatomy slideshow, oh _God_ the slideshow ... I'm never gonna be able to look you in the eye again, Grey. Why the heck did you even agree to be used for that picture?"

"Why not?" asked Greyscale, offended. "Is there something wrong with one of my penises?"

The awkward moment was mercifully interrupted by Thom scurrying up excitedly, yelling "C'mon, guys, you gotta come and see this!"

The group followed him, gathering more curious students as they went. Thom stopped in the middle of the open space used for Practical Weaponry lessons and pointed up.

"The birds figured out how to play Quidditch!"

Three jury-rigged goalposts had been put up at each end of the field, and several bird staff members were flying around at top speed between them. Since the nearest they'd been able to find to Bludgers were some black footballs, the game wasn't quite as impressive or dangerous as the original _Harry Potter_ version, but they were making a fine effort. The three magpie brothers faced off against Skarlath, Rocangus, and Glokkpod, all playing the position of Chasers and flinging around a bright red football for a Quaffle. Brantalis Skyfurrow and General Ironbeak were Keepers. All four Beaters were owls; careful observation proved them to be Boldred, Gerul, Captain Snow, and Stonehead McGurney. Suzi was quite proud of herself for being able to identify them all. Her memory for canonical details was improving, if nothing else.

Ferin Lightpaw squinted upwards. "Okay, I get that the Bludgers sort of still work if you just throw them, but what are they using for a Snitch? You need something that moves under its own power for that-"

Crystal the robin flew past, screaming and dripping yellow paint, pursued by Stryk Redkite and Krar Woodwatcher, who were evidently playing the Seekers for the match.

Thom pointed. "The girl who thought Sir Harry wouldn't notice she'd handed in a haiku with eighteen syllables in Poetry class."

* * *

The class fled the kitchens and hurried to their next class, hoping that now the fire was out the teachers wouldn't bother to pursue them. Stripey Sordfang was limping at the back, clutching an icepack to his head. Most of his whiskers and a few patches of his facial fur had been burnt off, and his face and paws were covered with bitemarks. Drake - the ice-dragon student, not the PPC fox - breathed gently onto the melting icepack, freezing it again.

"Thanks," Stripey muttered with bad grace.

Twisted the cat shook her head and sighed "I told you, Sordfang, the right way to kill an eel is _not_ to hold it over a fire while screaming 'melt its face'!"

"TV misinformed me," said the badger, with a scowl. "I still think it would have worked if I'd held it closer to the head so it wouldn't wriggle like that ..."

"Aww, you feeling _eel?"_ said Alexander Bluestripe, in a tone which suggested he thought the joke was much funnier than it actually was. Stripey made an obscene gesture at him.

Suzi took her seat in the Species of Mossflower classroom, still shuddering uncontrollably and muttering to herself. "I hate eels, I hate them, they're all slimy and wriggly and bitey and I really really _hate_ them and they don't even _taste_ good ..."

"You wait till we have to meet the talking variety." Thom shuddered. "Snakefish gave me nightmares when I was a kid. One time I got into a discussion about the continuity error about the eels talking but the mice still eating the little ones, and I said that if the baby eels were all gonna grow up into something like _that_ I'd want to make sure as many of them got eaten first as possible. That didn't go down too well."

"Eh, I always just assumed it was a different kind of eel or something ..."

"Alright, settle down, settle down!" called Abbot Saxtus, the teacher, tapping the blackboard pointer on the desk. "Now, today's class focuses on Mossflower's native members of genus _Mustela_, and how to tell them apart. Mister Staggertail and Mister Nightstalker, come and stand up here."

They did so. Saxtus walked around them, stopping next to Fallo and jabbing him gently with the blackboard pointer.

"Here we have a specimen of one of the most well-known mustelids; the ferret, otherwise known as the domesticated polecat, the carpet shark, and 'gerroutofityoulittlebugger' ..."

The students giggled. Fallo grinned and waved, as if he was on a stage.

"Yes, you might be familiar with ferrets as the only mustelids to be commonly kept as pets in the human world. Note the comparatively large body size - females are significantly smaller, as is common with mustelids, but no less dangerous for that, ask Miss Romsca - and the distinctive 'mask' markings in the facial fur. Of course you can get ferrets who don't have those markings, so it's important to learn the other differences as well."

He slapped Thom across the knees with the pointer, making the weasel yelp.

"And this, younguns, is the Common or Least Weasel, known simply as the weasel in England and Mossflower. Note how much smaller he is than our ferret- stop giggling, you little horrors! Now, weasels tend to have fairly pale brown fur with a white belly, and the dividing line - pull up your shirt for a minute, would you? The dividing line, as I was saying, is wiggly, and often there are little patches of the opposing colour around the edges ..." He poked a small brown spot in Thom's white bellyfur, causing the unlucky weasel to yelp again. "Each weasel's belly pattern is unique, and this is used by zoologists in the real world to distinguish individual weasels in their samples at a glance, though of course there are far easier ways of telling them apart when they can talk to you."

Agent Stormsong unfortunately chose this moment to peer round the door. "Oh, excuse me - wrong roo-"

The nearest four students looked at each other, leapt out of their seats and wrestled him to the ground, ignoring the angry yells of the Abbot. Snowspine blinked at them, unsure whether to get up and help her creation or not.

"Y'know, it's hard to check your belly pattern when you're in the foetal position," Brakken informed the stunned weasel, grabbing his wrists as Fernflower and Senomar each got hold of one of his ankles. "Geez, we're not going to eat you, what's the big deal?"

"Okay, okay, hold still ..." Maisie Ann crouched astride the unlucky exorcist's legs and tried to roll his shirt up. Unfortunately, Stormsong's brain was still working well enough to trigger an automatic reaction, wrenching his footpaw out of Fernflower's grip and, in turn, teaching a certain ratgirl that kneeing a female in the groin actually_ does_ work. She collapsed on top of him with a yelp and a nasty crack as her nose hit the floor above his left shoulder. The others let go of his paws, and he wriggled free and fled.

"Alright, you four have just earned yourselves another week of detention! And somebeast mop up that blood!" Saxtus ordered, the normally jolly mouse bristling with irritation.

"What?" Senomar burst out. "At this rate we'll all have to stay an extra month after graduation to serve all our detention time!"

"And another day of detention for complaining about your detention, you ... whatever the heck you are," Saxtus trailed off, squinting at the squee. Saxtus evidently wasn't familiar with _Myst._

"I fink 'e broke my teef!" complained the unlucky rat, clutching her bleeding nose.

"Stop complaining, you're a rodent - they'll grow back," said Snowspine. Xie grabbed Maisie Ann and Fernflower, gestured to Brakken and Senomar to huddle, and whispered urgently to them. Suzi caught the words "post-traumatic stress", "should leave him alone", and "with a rusty spork".

"Shouldn't someone go and help him?" asked Natasja-or-Sally (Suzi still couldn't tell them apart), glancing at the door.

"He'll be fine, he has alcohol. Pay attention ... now, can anyone tell me the differences between a weasel and a stoat? Yes, Darkwater, I'm sure you must know this subject very well if you think staring out the window is a better use of your time?"

Devin Darkwater jumped and blinked. "Oh! Uh, stoats and weasels, stoats and weasels ... well, one time my dad said 'a weasel is weaselly recognised and a stoat is stoatally different'!" He looked proud. The rest of the class giggled.

"At least this class gets fewer bad puns than Spellcheck," Saxtus groaned to himself, rubbing his temples.

* * *

Suzi was quite proud of herself. For the first time in her life, she'd actually managed to finish all her homework on time! She had a few minutes to herself after dinner since she'd finished the work, so she decided to take a walk. The Abbey food consisted mostly of fruit and vegetables, but it was addictively delicious, and she didn't have access to a set of scales, so she couldn't be sure whether or not she'd gained weight. She figured the exercise couldn't really hurt either way. Besides, it was safer outside; the inside of the Abbey was still decidedly disconcerting. Buildings of improbability are technically infinite in dimension, and bits of them tend to keep rearranging themselves, which makes it a headache to get to class on time. The outside of the building at least stayed more or less the same.

A glittering sparkle on the little sidegate in the outer wall caught her attention, and she headed over. There was a small piece of shiny cloth caught on the lock, and something smeared on the door. She knelt down to look at it, and dipped her claw in it. It felt gooey, and it smelled like ... blood? But it definitely didn't look like blood. It was sparkly, and glowed all sorts of colours when the light caught it. It didn't look natural at all. There was a roar and a clap of thunder as the clouds overhead broke, and Suzi swore as the rain soaked her to the bone in seconds. She picked the strip of cloth off the lock and fled for the safety of the building. Behind her, the glittery fluid was washed into the soil until it was all but invisible.

Suzi made her way to the Great Hall. Inside, there was chaos, as usual. Minty and Kit, surrounded by a large crowd of curious students, were struggling with something hairy with chains attached to its collar. Suzi didn't get a good look at it, as it was one of the horrible eye-burning OFU colours; an odd mixture of silver and white, which was far uglier than it sounds. The Mini-Deepcoilers were keeping the crowd at a safe distance, with assistance from the Stouts and Hairs.

Suzi grabbed the nearest staff member, a bankvole in a frilly dress. Sister ... Violet? No, _Viola,_ she remembered.

"'Scuse me, what's going on?" she asked.

"Oh, this? Well, you see, dear, someone apparently hit the I key when they should have hit the O," Viola explained, glaring pointedly at Fallo, who groaned and buried his face in his paws.

"What's the big hairy thing?"

"The result. I'm afraid that, my dear, is the Wilverine."

Suzi winced. "Well, I've kind of got something to tell you ..."

"We're a bit busy right now, Miss Goldenfur, I'm sure it can wait till the Wilverine is contained. It's a little unruly." The Wilverine punctuated the bankvole's words with a bloodcurdling roar. Gulo the Savage, who was standing well back and watching the fun, smirked proudly.

"No, Sister Viola, I think this is important. See, I found some shiny stuff outside which smelled really funny, and there was this caught on the lock ..."

"Oh, one of the Dibbuns probably spilled some paint. They do manage to get it everywhere, you know."

"No, no, I think it was-"

Viola waved Suzi away. "Run along and do your homework, dear. Goodness knows you need the practice. I've seen your previous efforts."

Suzi, feeling hurt, walked away. Okay, she knew she wasn't particularly good at schoolwork, though she'd improved noticeably in only the past couple of months, but she wasn't _that_ stupid! Did they really think she was incapable of thinking about anything other than boys and shiny objects? ... Yes they did. Damn. And, she had to admit, they had a point. Up to now, she'd gone through life doing as little as possible in any area which required any mental effort, ignoring anything the slightest bit difficult, and damning the consequences. It was fun that way, yeah. But if everyone assumed that was all she could do ... This would require some thinking over. Suzi _hated_ having to think deeply about things, but she guessed she needed the practice.

She examined the little strip of black cloth. It felt like silk, and she could detect just a hint of sickly rose perfume on it which had mostly been washed away by the rain. She shrugged and tied it in her headfur. _Eh. Probably wasn't important anyway._

* * *

**[Author's Notes: We're so, so sorry this is so late. Kit was graduating from college and moving house, and Minty had exams. We'll try and get the next one out faster.**

**For use in the next chapter, we'd like to ask for info on what, specifically, your student characters wrote in the badfics which got them into the OFUR. Kel's sent us some suggestions for Fernflower's, which are funny, but we don't want her to be the only one picked on. Be as insane as you like, but try to keep it within the established personality of your character.**

**"Tentacle Grape" is a real drink. Basically it's just caffeinated fizzy grape-flavoured stuff with a picture of a Japanese schoolgirl being menaced by tentacles on the label. Pretty boring really. Quidditch is a wizard's game in the Harry Potter books, which we're guessing 99.999% of our audience already know, but just in case. The bit about melting eels is a reference to the GorillaBitez short cartoon "The Eel". Do not try it at home. Also, twelve-year-olds should not be writing porn, and if they are, they should definitely not be posting it in public. Not just because it's a legally iffy area, but because they almost invariably really suck at it. I have never seen hotroot soup used as lube in fic, but I have seen equally stupid things. Check out the PPC Wiki's "Dubious Lube" page for much fun at the expense of stupid people.**

**Facts about archaic English and mustelidae are accurate, as far as we know. We're hoping to actually help people pick up useful info as well as filthy jokes from us. In case you're wondering, stoats are bigger than weasels and have a straight dividing line between their brown and white fur, black tips to their tails, and turn white in winter at much lower latitudes than weasels - in their white form they're called ermine. Polecats (in UK English they're ferrets, not skunks) are bigger and darker-furred than pet ferrets, have broader "mask" markings, and are less likely to be albino. The More You Know and all that. Also, kicking girls in the groin DOES work, boys. Don't try that at home either.]**


	17. Chapter 17: Peer Reviews

The Christmas holidays weren't much of a break from work for anyone. The students were absorbed in the huge workload they had to get through before the January exams, and the staff were busy keeping the students in line. This did not mean that the students didn't find opportunities for fun, though.

"Say it!" pleaded Eryss.

"No!"

"Say it!" demanded Sandflame.

"No!"

"Say it!" begged Ilex.

"NO!"

"Say iiit!" whined Nikki.

"If I say it, will you all go away?"

"Of course!" promised Suzi.

General Ironbeak sighed and drew himself up. The students pointed their camera phones and held their collective breath as he prepared to speak ...

"Nevermore."

The students cheered. Ironbeak flapped irritably towards the door, nearly being knocked out of the air by the three magpie brothers, who were tossing a small golden ball around. Tiraamilaen the golden-eyed otter ran into the hall behind them, clutching one side of her face and screaming "Give that back, you jerks, I need that!"

Snowspine tottered into the hall beside Tira, green in the face and clutching a copy of Marlfox like a life preserver, and stiffly sat down in the empty seat beside Thom. He shoved the huge pile of homework he'd spread all over the table out of the way and asked the hedgehog "What's up?"

"Oh, uh, S and S were out on a mission for the past few days, so when they got back I asked them what they'd been doing."

Snowspine seemed reluctant to continue, so Suzi prompted xir with "Yes?"

"They told me." Snowspine turned even more green at the memory.

"Ah, they've been sorting out Suzi's work?" said Thom with a snigger.

Suzi poked him. "Thomas, you have no right to mock my work. It ... might have needed some improvement, but I didn't mix up Martin and Matthias' names, turn the Sword into a lightsabre because it would, I quote, 'look cooler', or post a chapter consisting entirely of four pages of the words 'I'm so drunk' typed over and over again."

"Oh, that fic!" Fernflower's face lit up. "I love that one, I've never seen anything so funny!"

"Thanks. I think," muttered Thom.

"You hadn't updated it for a while before we came here, why's that?"

"I was home from college for the summer and my parents changed the lock on the liquor cabinet. I tried cough syrup, but it's not the same." Thom saw the other students' expressions. "What? A lot of great writers were under the influence when they wrote."

"Yeah, but they usually have the sense to reread their work while sober," Sandflame pointed out. Thom responded with a scowl and a one-claw salute. "Yes, very mature," the haremaid said, unfazed, and resumed reading. "C'mon, guys, we all have exams after Christmas!"

Maligant looked back down at his book and muttered "My fic's better."

"Uh, Mal, your fic might be better, but your summaries suck," Suzi pointed out. "I've seen them."

"Why?"

"Well, for one thing, 'may contain violence'? You're the writer! If you don't know whether there's violence, how are we supposed to know?"

Thom smirked. "I read that one. I got nothing against gore, but 'may contain violence' really isn't a detailed enough description when the very first sentence is a graphic disembowelling scene."

"But graphic disembowelling scenes are fun!"

"Not on a school night," Maisie Ann winced. "I didn't sleep for a week after that."

"Hey, your openings aren't any better!" Thom ponted out.

"I always warn for everything!"

"Uh, yeah," Thom agreed uncomfortably, "but as I recall, one of your works warned for violence, foul language, and graphic sex, then opened with the main character reading said story to a bunch of Dibbuns. That just ain't right."

"Well, the kids were getting the censored version!"

"Maybe, but if that's the case you should say so!"

"SHADDUP!" came a yell and a blast of icy wind from the next table, stopping the argument in its tracks. When a dragon tells one to shut up, one shuts up.

The silence lasted a good five minutes before Aaron Fuchs smugly said "My work's better."

"Then why is your homework assignment to pick out the flaws in it?" Thom asked him.

"Because the teachers don't appreciate art." Aaron shoved the paper he was reading across the table. Suzi turned it round, read it, and giggled.

"What?"

"Geez, Aaron, I thought I got into the weird descriptions sometimes … Captain Plugg looked deeply into your character's 'auriferous oculi'? What did that poor thesaurus ever do to you?"

Thom grabbed another page and flicked over it. "Wait a second, I've read this fic before, and I know that last chapter they were still searching for the treasure map. Why do they suddenly have it now?"

"Oh. Um, I had to cut out the bit where they found it. Some jerk reported me for explicit content, and I had to cut that chapter before I could repost it," Aaron explained. Fernflower looked conspicuously innocent.

"Ooh, I know that feeling. Spoilsports. But couldn't you have just cut the detailed bits and kept the rest of the chapter, if you had to cut anything? Now it just doesn't make any sense." Suzi reread the printout, trying to follow what was going on.

"You say that like it made sense to begin with," said Thom. "Apparently Mossflower's undergoing an attack of pod-creatures and Aaron forgot to mention that. I can't imagine the real Captain Plugg saving the life of some random fox, or spouting poetry about him."

Ilex squinted at it over Suzi's shoulder. "No, see, that's not Captain Plugg - it's Captain Plug, with one G. Maybe it's his evil twin."

"Ha ha."

"And - oh dear." Suzi giggled. "Did you not notice you'd spelled 'fox' with a U instead of a O? Kind of appropriate, but ..."

Aaron, blushing, yanked the printouts away. Drake the dragon snickered.

"Hey, yours wasn't any better!" Aaron snapped at him. "Remember the one where Martin was a werewolf?"

"Uh, how does that even work?" Suzi asked. "Wouldn't it be weremouse? Mouse-wolf? Whatever ..."

Slagar appeared behind Ilex with a swirl of his cloak, causing the vixen to jump. "Well, having fun dissecting each others' work? Excellent. Saves us from having to explain how bad it is to each of you." He loomed over Fernflower. "Oooh, I remember this one!" he cackled, waving to a hare who was leaning against the wall and gnawing on a pasty. "Basil! Basil, c'mere, you've got to see this!"

Basil came over, looking curiously at the printout. "Ah, another of her silly Sues?"

"Not quite," said Slagar, grinning. "This one's a fight scene between you and me - if you can call it that. Go on, Miz Fernflower, read this page out."

Fernflower, looking confused, cleared her throat and started to read. "...and then the fox pulled out his bolas, swung it above his head, and let it fly, and it wrapped itself around Basil's waist, pinning his arms to his side."

Basil blinked indignantly. "Wait a bally moment, y'mean I just stood there and let the rotter sling me like that?"

"Wouldn't a stone bolas break his ribs, not just knock him over?" Thom asked.

"Depends on how hard you throw it," said Slagar with a shrug.

"The fox chuckled, said 'Just like old times, eh?' and took out another bolas-"

"'Just like old times'? What's that supposed to mean?"

"I was going to handle that in a prequel, but I never got round to posting that before you dragged me here!" Fernflower protested.

"And when did I have two bolas?" Slagar glanced at the bolas slung from his belt. "Though actually that's not a bad idea. There is an inherent problem in a weapon you have to throw away and retrieve … never mind, carry on."

"-and swung it over his head again, and let it fly again to wrap around the hare's ankles."

"And again I don't try to dodge or make a run for it!" Basil rolled his eyes. "What am I, a target-practice dummy?"

"Basil fell to the ground, and gazed up at Slagar as the fox took out a large cloth and tied it around the hare's mouth."

"Tchah! If there's one thing I can't stand it's being gagged, wot!"

"Hm, actually Basil, I think it would suit you very nicely."

"Shut up, half-face!"

"Slagar then picked Basil up by the waist and slung him over his shoulder with a soft grunt."

"I completely detest the fact that I've made no fight against the blighter! Sure, if he had snuck up behind me an' knocked me out, that'd be realistic, but this-!"

"I'd tell you to stop complaining, but that's bothering me as well," Slagar said, shaking his head. "Where's the fun if they don't try to fight back?"

"'Since you're the only one who knows me,' the fox purred-"

"'Purred'? Alright, what with the being tied up and all, this is getting a tad worrying …"

"'-I can't have you ruining my plans. Its time to kiss you goody.'"

Basil dropped his pasty. "Wait, what?"

"Oops, that was a typo. It's supposed to be 'goodbye'." Fernflower blinked at her stunned or giggling classmates. "Why are you all looking at me like that?"

Suzi fell out of her chair, weeping with laughter. Thom held up a paw and spluttered "No more, no more! If I laugh any more I'll lose bladder control!" Fernflower reread the page and blushed very, very deeply. Slagar grinned broadly.

Basil took the printout and flicked through it. "So he ties me up, disturbing dialogue, blah blah ... hang on a mo, when he comes back I'm nowhere to be seen and nobeast on my side even seems worried about me! Where did I go?"

Fernflower blinked again. "Um ... oops. I knew I forgot something."

"Yes, you certainly did! You forgot I'm a seasoned warrior, there's no way I'd let the rotter just catch me like tha-"

Basil fell flat on his face as Slagar's bolas wrapped around his knees.

"You were saying?" Slagar said smugly, placing a footpaw on Basil's neck. Basil protested in a muffled voice. "Tsk, such language in front of the young impressionable students." Slagar plucked a pawkerchief from his pocket and stuffed it into Basil's mouth, then slung the hare over his shoulder and climbed out the open window. The students heard him yell "Dinnertime, boys!", followed by a loud splash, the hissing of Minis, and a muffled yell.

Aaron glanced out of the window. "Hope the resurrection process works on staff, too."

"It does, don't worry," said Ilex. "Remember when Pikkle accidentally ate my Assassination 101 homework? Still don't know why I got detention for that."

Maligant shrugged. "Yeah, he'll be fine. Wanna place bets on how soon he gets Slagar back?"

Fernflower refused to speak to Suzi or Thom for the rest of the week.

* * *

**[Miss Minty: Thanks to everyone who gave us fic ideas! Especially to Kelaiah, who actually wrote out that bit of Fernflower's and the canonicals' commens on it. Sorry if we didn't get yours in. If you have actually done anything mentioned, please don't take it personally, and remember there's always a worse fic out there. We're also sorry this took so long - I've had a tough year at uni, and after Mr Jacques' passing I just wasn't in the mood. This will be the last purely silly chapter, I warn you. We want to finish this eventually, so an actual plot is coming up. Stay tuned.]**


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